Hot Blooded: Shut Up, Tara! Eric’s Cute When Clueless.

Oooo, True Blood is gittin’ so good! Eric and Sookie are all over each other, Pam’s dropping c-bombs, and Jason, Jessica, AND HOYT are having dream sex together. Read on!

– J. Harvey

For the True Blood recap, Follow the JUMP:

Sookie N’ Eric: Are on FIYAH! Eric has a terrible nightmare in which his maker Godric (short dude who smoked himself, literally, in Dallas) makes him feed on “SOOKEH.” Like the overgrown blondie baby that he is due to his amnesia, he seeks comfort in Sookie. She strokes his hair and neglects to tell him that he’s a killing machine.

Tara shows up later, and girl, her annoyance level would be OFF THE CHART if she was getting her own entry today. Tara discusses her New Orleans ladyfriend, and Sookie urges her to open up to her about how she’s from Helltown. Unfortunately, the sun goes down and Eric comes up and Tara freaks and gets super-judgey on everyone. Tara, shut up. You know Sookie is trisexual, and in love with Bill, Eric, AND Alcide. Stranger things have happened. A fashionable woman who lived in a mansion had the entire town fucking on lawns and eating dirt a couple of years back. Come now. Sookie goes on a mind-reading mission and finds out from the waitress with the forehead (her name escapes me) where Magical Marnie hangs out. Sookie goes undercover for a reading, and her Grams possesses Marnie to let Sookie know that she shouldn’t fuck Eric, and that Marnie is bad news. Sookie, you in danger, girl!

Bill N’ Pam N’ Marnie: The horribly disfigured Pam wants Marnie deader than dead. She has the best line of the episode – ““Convene your sheriffs so we can kill this uppity Wiccan cunt… Your Majesty.” That comes on a t-shirt in the HBO store. Bill is still in charge of the “Vampires Are Cuddly” campaign and knows he can’t off a human. But he can have the “vampire police” arrest her ass. There’s vampire police? Ok. Marnie is pinched and shown to a cell. Bill attempts to interrogate her, but Marnie knows zero about how to reverse the spell on Pam’s mug. We DO learn that the evil bitch possessing her is named Antonia. Antonia is the witch who was burned in Marnie’s last vision. The gist of it is that she was burned as a witch, but not before mindfucking a whole bunch of vamps to die with her back in the day. She’s not a big fan of the vamps, as you’ve probably guessed. Marnie scares the shit out of me, by the way. Oh, and Pam accidentally lets Bill know that Eric’s alive, and over at “SOOKEH’S.” So he flies over there to kick some ass.

Jason N’ Jessica N’ Hoyt: Love triangle! Jessica and Hoyt are still not getting along, and bringing a wounded and exceptionally sexy young man to their home isn’t going to Dr. Phil their problems. Jason has a sex dream in which Jessica is riding his hog like she was a rodeo cowgirl, as Hoyt heckles him. Then Hoyt is the one he’s having sex with! This should have been an extended scene. Jessica could have gone to have a True Blood during it, too.

Sam N’ Tommy: When last we left Tommy, his step-dad from the crack shack was choke-chaining him. It doesn’t take, and Tommy kills Ichabod Crane from the swamps and accidentally kills his mom. Boo-hoo, she was no great shakes anyways. Like a true brother, Sam helps Tom-Tom dump the bodies. Everything is fine, until the vampire blood-fixated Sheriff Andy pulls em’ over. He comes close to discovering the stiffs, but Tommy shifts into an alligator and scares his ass away. That’s the first smart thing Tommy has done this entire series. Besides show us his hot ass.

As for the other characters: Arlene and Terry consult with Tara’s moms about their demon spawn. Do they know she’s an insane drunk? Portia Bellefleur tries to convince Bill that incest with her is best, and no, thank you.

And could it be? None of the characters (save Tara, of course) annoyed the shit out of me? It’s a day that will live in infamy! And there wasn’t really any nudity to speak of. So I’m going to have to go back to wanking to that season one episode where Jason dances in his tighty-whities.