It’s almost too painful to type this recap. They went and did it. They fucked with Pam. Whether this was Charlaine Harris’ doing (I’ve never read the Sookie books) or Alan Ball’s…someone will pay! Plot was strongly advanced this episode and we had some tantalizing semi-nudity. Keep reading for the recap and some brief glimpses of Bon Temps manflesh.

– J. Harvey

For the True Blood recap, Follow the JUMP:

Sookie – So Sookie’s totally falling in love with cuddly amnesiac Eric. Who wouldn’t? He’s hot in a polar icecap way, he’s got a cut bod, sexy bangs, and he’s head over heels in love with her whether he’s amnesiac or not. It’s going to be very interesting when he gets his memory back. Anyway, so Eric ate Sookie’s next-to-useless fairy godmom and her blood got him drunk. After goosing Sook a couple of times, he runs off. Refer back to last season, when we found out that fairy blood make a vampire immune to the sun’s deadly rays and can also get a vampire INTO Fairyland which isn’t exactly a good thing. Because that place looked like the set of some sort of HBO Real Sex 15 backdrop for unattractive naked people to practice hippie sex and examine each other’s buttholes. Sookie calls upon Alcide to use his wolfy powers to help her track Eric. And does Alice have body or what? Check it:

That’s right, we got us some Alcide buttcrack. Thank you to Superherofan for these awesome screencap. It’s nice to know there’s a ‘mo out there who will ignore his boner and take the time to share these with everyone. Alcide is so fucking hot. As you can see, Eric is all joyful and nude in a lake and he briefly argues with Sookie and Alcide until he realize that Claudine’s blood is wearing off and he’s starting to bake. Sookie gets him home where he’s all burny and damaged and the flirtin’ begins! Bill shows up, explains that they’ve search all of Eric’s haunts, and Sookie’s house is the last place they need to go through. For the first time in her relationship with him, Sookie lies and says Eric split, and has she ever lied to “BEEL” before? First time for everything!

Annoyance level – 3. Sookie is keeping her shirt on, and her mouth shut. There has been a distinct lack of whining on her part. Anna Paquin must have said “even I hate this bitch…” to Ball at the end of last season.

Bill – So Bill is fucking Sherrif Andy’s sister Portia, and she brings him to the family manse to meet her grandmother WHO IS MONA FROM WHO’S THE BOSS? You the boss, Mona, because you are rad! Man, Katherine Helmond is like 300, and still running things. Openly gay Danny Pintauro must be creaming his 2xists to see his TV Nana holding court on the gayest show on TV. While the Bellefleur family entertains southern gentleman Bill, they discover that he and Portia are related. Yeah, turns out he’s their grandfather x 6 or some shit. Here’s an “ew,” Bill, cause you’ve been fucking your great-great-great-great-great granddaughter. Also, you’re related to Sherrif Andy Bellefleur and he’s a yokel. Bill also has a confrontation with Nan Flanagan (who played Megan who died from Lupus on One Life To Live….which is tied with General Hospital for best soap ever) over Eric being missing, and she scoffs at the theory that it was the witches. Nan has the impression that these are just the hoes you say at reinassance fairs who are “blessed be” and patchouli. Wait til’ she gets her face rotted off (stay tuned).

Annoyance level -3. I enjoyed his repartee with Angela Bauer’s moms.

Jason – His storyline is making me ill. The poor guy is raped repeatedly by a whole bunch of drooling hillbilly chicks. He finally convinces the youngest slackjaw to free him, and makes a break for it. Prior to this, we are treated to some Jason Stackhouse sorta-nudity. But he’s covered in dirt and wounds and sort of dying from werepanther bites, so it’s sucking the hot right out of it. Jason is chased by his crazy bitch girlfriend’s incestuous half-brother in panther form, but he’s able to get shirtless and kill the bastard. Who had some shapely buttocks:

That’s a shame that a nice ass can’t save you on this show. Anyway, Jason stumbles about dying but is finally discovered by Hoyt and Jessica. Jessica has Jason feed on her to save his life. So he’s a newly christened were-panther with a reactivated V addiction? That’s going to be spectacular for everyone’s safety.

Annoyance level -2. Poor bastard. It’s a really skeevy storyline.

Lafayatte n’ Jesus n’ Tara n’ Marnie – Tasked by my beloved Pam to get Marnie to reverse Eric’s amnesia, the three of them confront her in the Wiccan clubhouse. Marnie doesn’t have clue one on how to get Eric his marbles back, and explains that the serious-looking Latina woman from last episode has been possessing her and casting spells that she knows nothing about. The trio try and help her find the spell, and Evil Spirit Woman finally calls their attention to a book containing it. They have to go form a circle in the moonlight and hop about or something. In the meantime, Marnie has an intense vision in which she’s present at Evil Spirit Woman’s death. She was burned as a witch in what looks like Spanish or Mexican conquistador times? Anyway, the Scooby Gang is looking to perfom their spell and have contacted Pam…and…oh it’s almost too much to type…

Annoyance level – 3. They’re not getting much to do besides be scared of Eric.

Pam – Granted, she’s not very helpful when it comes to the spell-casting. She stands there and basically insults everyone to death as they try to prepare the spell. When she rolls up on Marnie to terrorize her into fixing Eric, Evil Spirit Woman pops into Marnie for a visit and…casts a spell that makes Pam’s face start to rot off her skull. Awful. AWFUL. She is glamour! YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO GLAMOUR! Sad face.

Annoyance level -How can you even ask that?

Sam n’ his brother Tommy with the nice ass – Shapeshifter Luna has a kid. And a psycho werewolf ex-boyfriend. He really knows how to pick em’. Wasn’t he fucking a shapeshifter in Season 2 who was trying to kill him for Maryanne? Jeez, just go and get with Tara already. Oh, and his brother Tommy re-connects with his Mom. Who is still with that gross guy who wears the tighty-whities around. They promptly capture him and are going to force him to be their fight dog again. It was sort of realistic when they were strangling him with a chain. My own throat started to tingle and I kept thinking how it must hurt to be throttled with a chain.

Annoyance level – 4. Sam’s getting with another potentially deadly broad. Tommy gets a 3 despite being a dumb hillbilly. A nice ass can take you places in this recap.