Manhunt’s Picks For The Next Pope

As you might have heard, Pope Benedict XVI has tendered his resignation. He’s the first Vatican City stunt queen in a big, fabulous hat to quit in 600 years! Reportedly, the 85-year-0ld is frail and his doctors have recommended that he cash in his chips before he breaks hips. So long Benny, and thanks again for reinforcing the Catholic Church’s dictums of bigotry and oppression!

Now that the throne or whatever is up for grabs, we have some suggestions for who should replace him. Why don’t we go with someone a little more progressive? Someone who will work with the church to actually embrace the teachings of that Jesus guy and show some love and acceptance for your fellow man? This would be instead of trying to boss everyone’s lives and cherry-picking outdated principles from an ancient tome and misinterpreting the fuck out of it!

Here’s my picks:



Can you imagine a more loving, dignified, wise and wonderful Pope(stress)? “If you don’t love yourself, how in HELL are you gonna love anybody else? Can I get an amen?” AMEN, MAMA RU! RuPaul has long been a proponent of looking within for strength and abolishing the negativity in your life (unless you’re in the Interior Illusions lounge and need to read a bitch to filth, because that’s good TV). And the Pope’s garments would be SICKENING. Shit would be TURNED OUT. And she wouldn’t shuffle to that throne to say a Mass in Latin. She’d SISSY THAT WALK and set fire to Italy! (Sharon Needles was a runner-up choice, but the Vatican is blood-soaked enough already.)

The Dowager Maggie Smith

s2-maggie-smith-as-dowager-countess-of-grantham_FULLA born leader, not one to edit herself, and she’s already got the hat.

James Franco’s Hotter Younger Brother David


Dave Franco is photogenic, very gay-friendly seeing as all his videos are homoerotic and involve him dallying with other men, and he’s got the Franco charm without the annoying “I’m an artiste” pretentiousness. You’re probably saying “I still don’t get why he’d make a good Pope.” My answer is “because I want to fuck him.” The Pope is always in the news, and I’d rather look at Dave here than some wheezy old closet queen.

Former Purcell Marian High School assistant principal Mike Moroski


Mike Moroski is the only confirmed Catholic on our list, but he’s one of those cool Catholics who could give a fuck about what people are doing in bed and thinks same-sex marriage is a necessity. He said so in a blog post, and was fired from his position by the Cincinnati, OH school district when he refused to recant. He’s also a bear. Bears should be in more positions of power. They’re normally jolly, would focus on feeding everyone as opposed to lecturing bitches on their sex lives, and the Pope’s funny hat would be a lot more relatable if it was a baseball cap.

Sinead O’Conner


Sinead O’Conner has been gunnin’ for that job ever since she tore up the last dude’s pic on national television back in the day. She might not have the relevancy to carry her over the competition, however. But she does have the Rasta-approved fanny pack. That would be a new and fascinating accessory for the Popeship.

Who do you think should replace the Pope?


2,460 thoughts on “Manhunt’s Picks For The Next Pope

  1. I know she’s Jewish,but why not Barbra Streisand? She’s smart,gay friendly,looks good in jewel encrusted robes(gowns),and she’d sing the hell out of the Easter mass.

  2. Of these choices, I’d pick RuPaul or the Dowager Duchess as played by Maggie Smith… but… you are missing the obvious… Madonna. She has the crucifixes. She has the hats… she has proven she can hold her arms up on a balcony. She’s a Catholic who is not really a Catholic. She already hangs out with a bunch of gays and likes art and antiques. She’s also the most obvious person to whip this tired old relgion into the 21 Century… no really… have you seen her with a whip? She’d beat those bitches into submission super fast.

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