Gleek Out: The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

The return of Glee. It’s basically the Super Bowl for gays, so why not pair it with this past Sunday’s game? The second half of this season kicked off with some hilarious shenanigans, as Sue Sylvester chased new thrills within her coaching career.

Due to a series of carefully placed developments, the members of New Directions are forced to ally with their slushie tormentors. Could this lead to a change of heart for closeted jock, Dave Karofsky? You’ll have to wait and see! Or perhaps you’ve already seen it. Either way, check out our collected thoughts and contribute your own opinion in the comments section.

– Dewitt

To watch the episode, hear the songs and read more, follow the JUMP:

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FULL EPISODE:

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California Gurls (Katy Perry & The Cheerios): This was my favorite part of the episode for one very special reason. Ten seconds into the song, my boyfriend turned to me and asked, “Who sings this again? Justin Bieber?” And he was one-hundred percent serious about it.

Technically, there isn’t much to rate here. The cast didn’t do any singing, and it was essentially a bunch of hot chicks flailing around in blue wigs. Despite our general aversion to Ms. Russell Brand, we have to say this smelled better than Sue Sylvester’s 2PM “ninja poops”.  (3 Points)

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Need You Now (Lea Michele & Mark Salling): Never underestimate the poor judgment of Will Schuester. Rachel and Puck attempt to demonstrate the “coolness” of glee club by singing a song by Lady Antebellum. Because, you know, most meathead football jocks love listening to heartfelt country songs.

Thankfully, it’s not half bad. Lea Michele doesn’t overdo it on lead vocals, and Mark Salling compliments her pretty nicely. It almost makes you miss Puckleberry, eh? (3 Points)

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She’s Not There (Cory Monteith & Football Dudes): Schuester tells Karofsky that he’s actually pretty awesome at singing and dancing. Because all gay men, closeted or not, are talented in these aspects. Feeling inspired from the pep talk, the football bully approaches Finn to suggest a warm-up number.

We guess this is cute or something? It’s a total sausage fest, which we certainly approve of. Yet there’s still something missing! Maybe we would have liked it more if Karofsky got naked and juggled a few nine inch dildos. With his beefy butt. Ugh, are we the only ones who have a boner for this guy? (2.5 Points)

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Bills, Bills, Bills (Darren Criss & The Warblers): In yet another superfluous scene set at Kurt’s new school, the Warblers rehearse a tune for the upcoming show choir competition. Blaine does his best impression of Beyonce Knowles, making us wonder how it’s not possible that Darren Criss is a raging ‘mo.

Sure, we’ll give points for the technical aspects, but this isn’t any better than the version you’d hear on a Best of College Acappella compilation. We’ve heard this performed by all male groups, and we’ve heard it performed much better. Still, it’s better than most of what we’ve come to expect from this show… (3.5 Points)

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Thriller / Heads Will Roll (Full Cast): It seemed like the entire school was in this halftime show, so we’re not sure who was left in the stands to watch it. OMG, Karofsky sees the cheering crowd and realizes glee club can be cool! Mission accomplished, you sneaky educators…

I still don’t understand why the football jocks would resist this. Who doesn’t understand that dressing up like a zombie and dancing to thriller is always going to make you more popular? Perhaps they were hesitant about this awful arrangement, which somehow managed to ruin the Yeah Yeah Yeahs underrated track “Heads Will Roll”. If we never have to repeat the experience of hearing fake teen girls shriek “Off with your head”, we will die as happy men…

With that said, the performance was enhanced by the visual element, which could possibly rank as the best high school halftime show ever. Except for the fact that it wasn’t real. (3 Points)

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BREAKDOWN OF POINTS SYSTEM:

• 5 Points = Excellent or exceeding expectations in regards to vocal performance, choreography and arrangement. Fits well within the context of the episode, and potentially better than the original version.
• 4 Points = Not too shabby! May not be entirely on par with the original, but a fantastic effort by the actors and vocalists.
• 3 Points = Tolerable. Did not induce eye rolls or kept them to a minimum.
• 2 Points = Could be a variety of factors, including poor song choice or lackluster performance. Boring or uninspired. May be an insult to the original artist.
• 1 Point = Absolutely painful. Couldn’t wait for it to be over.