Dr. Queerlove:
My ex-boyfriend was everything I wanted in a guy: smart, hot, sweet, amazing in bed, loved to spend time with me, a family-minded guy. There was just one problem. He was out and I was in the closet. When we started dating he was okay with it. He told me, "I like you and I don't really care who knows about it." After about eight months, we moved in together as "roommates".
As time went on he became more insistent that I come out, which I told him I would when I was ready. I wasn't moving fast enough for him and he eventually started trying to force me out. For example, he sent a card to my mother congratulating her on raising a "courageous" son. Another time he sent a text telling me how much he loved me. He knew, however, that my friend was using my phone to check her email… because she asked to borrow my phone while he was standing next to me.
I broke up with him and eventually started coming out to people. He's heard through the grapevine that I have started coming out and he wants to start dating again. He’s been showing up at bars and clubs that I hang out at and he's been talking to my friends about me. I love him, but I don't know if I can ever really trust him.
Sincerely,
Worth a second chance?
For Dr. Queerlove's advice, follow the JUMP:
Honey, get rid of that jacka—Oh! Where did that come from? Sorry, force of habit.
Second Chance, I understand your trust issues, but this is something you can work through. I can’t justify X’s serious blunders. No one should ever be outed (unless they're a penis loving, homobashing closet case [Hey, Ted Haggard!]). Your ex committed a serious nay-nay when he tried to push you out, especially involving your family.
Let me use this opportunity to educate. Listen up people! Not everyone decides to burst into middle school wearing a feather boa. For some, coming out is a difficult, highly personal process that’s as much about self- acceptance as it is about trusting others. It must be on one’s own terms. Which is why you should never ask someone if they are gay. If they wanted you to know, they’d find a way to tell you. Sadly, some people may not come out till late in life (even if everyone else knows… Clay Aiken), but they must learn to accept who they are before they can start being themselves to others.
When dating someone in the closet—really, with any romantic situation—the only expectations you should have are the ones expressly agreed upon, and those implicitly allowed. We foolishly believe that people will change for us; and they never do. The deal was living with a “roommate.” To expect any different is like waiting for Jimmy Fallon to be funny.
But, as is Dr. Queerlove’s nature, let’s consider the other perspective. It's frustrating to date someone who hides, denies and even rejects your relationship. Once I broke it off with James Gandolfini, I swore I’d never let it happen again. What X did was stupid, but I think we can all empathize with someone who in desperation has their judgment clouded. And are we ever more clouded and desperate than when we’re in love?
Which, by the way—asking your friends about you, showing up where you go out… he seems to have a desperate kind of personality (which is a tangential issue he can write to me about). This guy is obviously into you. You claim to love him. Why else would you bother seeking advice if you wanted to be done with him?
Sometimes people mess up. We’ve all done stupid things when it comes to someone we love. He must prove to you that he is worth your trust. It will take some time for you to get there, but you have to allow yourself to and be vulnerable or the relationship won’t work. Give him a shot. Hopefully, you’re both wiser now.
Thanks for reading, kiddies. If you need help with you mo woes, email Queerlove@manhunt.net.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in women's studies with a focus on the history of combat. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
Oh god….I love how hes good enough to fuck but not good enough to be out for. If I had a nickel for every straight man blah blah snore….ps jimmy fallon is funny 🙂 love ya doc
I think the guy writing in should also realize that while coming out is a serious personal decision, he should also realize that committing to a relationship should be taken just as seriously. If he was only wanting a ‘part-time’ lover (I.e. when no one else was around), he should have been far clearer and not have had the relationship get so serious as to move in together, meeting family, etc. I know that after many years of denying who they were, many out gay men aren’t often willing to be forced back ‘into the closet’ or ‘into the spare’ room just to satisfy the needs of a partner who only wants to be a partner when no one else is watching.
I would urge the writer to really ask himself if he is ready to be a partner, both inside and outside of the bedroom before getting into a relationship with an out gay man.
Hey Worth: My first instinct is to say that the guy is a jackass… but I guess the question is whether he deceived you when he said he was O.K. with it, or whether he thought he really was until realizing how uncomfortable it made him. After a bit of thought, I am leaning towards the latter.
I am very up front about this stuff myself, I tell a guy that if he wants to date me he should not introduce me to anyone in his life until he is comfortable introducing me to that person as his “date” or his “boyfriend”. I make sure at the start that he intends to come out to the world eventually, at least, or I let him know right away that it will never work.
The reason for this is that I don’t like hiding who I am. Coming out was very liberating for me( although, to my frustration most people still think I am straight until I tell them I am not or otherwise indicate it in conversation) – honesty feels good. Hiding does not. If a guy really loves me, he shouldn’t ask me to pretend to be someone other than who I am.
Also, I notice that you liked that he was a family-minded guy – how exactly did you plan to have a family if you were having so much difficulty coming out? “Yeah, my straight roommate and I, good ol’ straight Worth, decided it would be a hoot to raise kids together. As friends. What? The rings? Oh, those are nothing, just a coincidence… please don’t look at our tax return.” It may be for the best that you had someone to push you, even if how he did was truly horrible.
Now, as the Doc says, this does not excuse what he did. But hopefully you can see where it came from. I guess the relevant question is, was this the whole issue, or a symptom of a larger one? If coming out was the whole issue, and you are out now, or well on your way, it should not be a problem in the future. On the other hand, if it was merely the most prominent of several controlling behaviors, that is unlikely to change without years of therapy.
If that was really the only problem, and all the other great things you say about him are true, you should definitely give it another try with this guy, although I would recommend you go to counseling as a couple from the (re)start, so that you can work through your hurt feelings, mistrust, and difficulty being vulnerable, and his neediness and controlling impulses.
Also, when you take him back, be very clear, explicitly telling him that if he tries to control your life or interfere with your other relationships again, you are gone. At the same time, you should promise him that you will finish coming out and pay more attention to issues that are important to him.
You BOTH need to make good on those obligations for anything long-term to work out between you.
Jimmy Fallon is a lot funnier than you are!
Jason,
You just don’t GET it! and never will, I am guessing. It doesn’t sound like the guy was only in it for the sex, but if he was not open when they got together and he explained that, the guy was flat out wrong. how many marriages (and relationships) have ended because one or the other of the folks involved entered into it with the idea “I can change him/her”? That is the worst possible reason for becoming involved with someone. If you can’t let the other person grow and mature at their own pace, then why are you together? Saying you love someone and then doing everything you can to “out” him is just nasty. NO ONE has the right to force anyone to be “out”- and each person has to come to terms with that in their own way, in their own time. He could have just said “this isn’t working”, and found some other man who was “out” enough for him.
of course, anyone who thinks that Jimmy Fallon is funny…
Listen Randy nice name….Hit a nerve did I? Im not saying texting his phone or sending cards to his family is right or playing any game for that matter. And Im also sure there are two sides to the story. Moving in with someone is huge and to be open enough to share a bed with someone and not open enough to be in public with someone is pretty fucked up in my opinion….how about not going there and growing before fucking someone because of your own selfish reasons.
What an asshole.
Coming out is a hugely personal decision, and one that is very difficult for most people. Consider the suicide statistics for LGBT youth, and you realize how hard dealing with sexuality can be, much less opening up about it to other people.
If this guy loved the writer, he should have been willing to wait. He should have been supportive, and let the writer make moves towards being out as he became comfortable with who he was. To try to force an out on him was incredibly selfish, end of story.
Even more terrible was that he involved the writer’s mother, who may for one reason or another not be prepared for the news herself. Many parents go through their own trauma over their child’s sexual identity, and sometimes it takes some effort to tell a parent while maintaining a relationship of trust and love. Think of all the damage that card could do. “My son doesn’t love me enough to tell me that he’s gay, and I have to hear it from a stranger instead? How can I ever trust him again?”
Again, what an asshole.
If the writer reads this, kick that guy to the curb. Find someone who loves you enough to support you when you need it, instead of betraying you when you need their strength the most. You deserve better.
jimmy fallon? omg, he’s so awful, you can hear the awkward silences roar after he tells some jokes in his show… >.>
Boro: No one is trying to claim that what the ex did was right, but don’t you think you are being a little too judgmental?
You make a primary statement saying “If this guy loved the writer, he should have been willing to wait.”, which one can easily counter with “If the writer loved the guy, he shouldn’t have made the guy hide who he is and their love.”. Mistakes were made, someone acted like a dick. If we tossed people out of our lives every time they were dicks, no one would have any friends at all. And with Worth coming out now, finally, this issue is essentially in the past. It’s the neediness and trust issues that need work now.