Hey Dr. Queerlove,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months (he’s 23 and I’m 19). Things were great at first, then we started arguing. He loves going out, which I usually don’t have a problem with it until recently. He’s been going out with people that I’ve never met and when he’s with them, he never answers his phone. Late one night, after coming home from going out and while he was showering, he received a text message from “John the bartender” saying “Last night was great” and that he was a “great fuck.” I was furious and stormed out of his apartment feeling angry and sad. He told me it was a joke played by one of his friends. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took him back. Now, before this whole text message incident, I caught him posting on craigslist several times. Additionally, for Valentine’s Day he accepted very expensive gifts from his “friend” who he knows is in love with him. He has told me he doesn’t have feelings for this friend, and that the craigslist ads were taken down.
Well this past 4th of July weekend, we were supposed to spend the weekend together. I got tickets for us to watch Blue Man Group. He told me he had to work all weekend and had to cancel. Then I see on his Facebook that he left for Fire Island (NY) the night before. Every time I called him his phone went straight to voicemail. He promised that he would spend the holiday with me.
Several people have told me to “kick the loser to the curb”. Those same people have told me that he frequently makes out with guys at clubs. To make matters worse, while searching online I found his X-tube page, including a video he recently created… in my underwear. Jerking off and spreading his hole for everyone to see.
When he got home from Fire Island he said he was sorry, that he just really wanted to spend the weekend with his friends. I really want to accept his apology, but am I being stupid? How many times must I forgive him? I love him, but I don’t know if I can trust him. My heart says give him another chance; maybe he will change. However, my head is telling me to dump him and move on with my life. I’m really torn. What should I do, doc?
Desperately in Love
For Doctor Queerlove's advice, follow the JUMP:
Self-respect is powerful and quintessentially important to living a good life. Because lack of self-respect can make you do some stupid, desperate, pathetic shit. You, DIL, have no self-respect. Anyone who would stick around after that text message (which happened after the Craigslist postings) is asking for it. I really try to be understanding of my readers’ and their situations, but you have got to be fucking kidding me here.
“What should I do?” You should look at yourself in the mirror and decide what you want to be. A wuss, with a boyfriend who repeatedly insults your intelligence and integrity (because you let him); your friends talking pitiably about you when you’re not there; that fantasy in your head of when he may someday change being the best it’ll ever get (which b-t-dubs, will never happen. He will leave you when he gets tired of you.). OR do you want to be a man? Take responsibility for the fact that you’ve allowed this festering turd of a relationship to skid mark your life and move on. Stand straight and decide that no one will ever again treat you like you’re stupid, with the self-esteem of a cum bucket.
You love this guy, yet failed to mention one single redeeming quality about him (except that he stood you up for Blue Man Group; no self-respecting person would actually watch that). Are you in love with him or afraid of being single. I find people often confuse the two.
I won’t justify the absurd and pitiful nature of your situation with an actual response on what you should do. You know what you should do. Sadly, I think we all know what you will do.
Need a smack-down of tough love? Doc’s got the gloves off. Bring it! Queerlove@manhunt.net Let’s get your shit straightened out.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in Jackson Family Genealogy. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
so harsh but so true…
Dude, you’re a moron. I would have got rid of the idiot a long time ago. DUH
That was a GREAT response from the doc! I couldnt have said it better myself and you are so right. EVERYONE, EVERYONE knows what the letter-writer is going to do!
GOD..idiots in LOVE!
im curious about the 19 year old that claims to be all innocent but clearly has a manhunt page and knows enough about it to know how to email doctor ql… sounds a bit fishy if you ask me…
What are you worth? That is the question that you need to answer DIL. If you can make that determination for yourself, then you can decide what to do with the BF.
Wow – – That could have been me at 19, same situation. Only took me 5 more years to wise up. Of course, now at 37, I’m described as “jaded” because I don’t put up with any of that shit anymore.
First David, you don’t have to have a manhunt account to read manhunt daily, I don’t have a manhunt account and I still read the blog. it’s two different websites. as for the situation; I was in the same type of relationship about a year ago. My ex was cheating on me, and I knew it deep down, but I was more afraid of being alone so I pretended I didnt know. Trust your gut instinct. It’s usually right. But, we all know you’re gonna take him back. this is something you have to learn the hard way, and no amount of advice from other people is going to truly help you. You’ll take him back, he’ll walk all over you again and then one day, it will click. It did for me. You’ll say to yourself, what the hell am I doing… why am I wasting my time. you’ll learn. Hopefully sooner than later, but you will learn. Good luck…
You are a fucking moron for staying with him period… u have no respect for yourself… I was you well not that stupid. He is going to keep fucking you over. People keep people like you around cause nobody else will put up with their shit.
Wow.. you are so right. I have been moping over my ex and I. He cheated on me twice after he moved to LA for a job, got me sick and I STILL took him back..Idiot. Then, when I fly out to see him, HE breaks up with me. For the past 4 months, I was devastated. I know I shouldn’t be for what he did. So this article really helps me SNAP THE F OUT OF IT! Thank you
This whole thing sounds really fake…
It’s real. I know the person who wrote it.
I had a deep deep love for a beautiful man, in mind, body – and a heart of a con. I just got into an amazing round of being conned conned and conned. I had no idea I was beaten downn so subtlely that I lost my personal judgement. It was a crappy, awful relationship. It was painful and I lost $8000 in the process little bit at a time.
$300 here, no rent 5 months in row there.
We are all vulnerable.
Even with strong self esteeem we are vulnerable to love being bad for us.
Honoring oneself is very difficult because we can fall in love SNAP. But to know if it is a positive love, or a self-damaging love -that is the greatest vulnereability ever.
Talk to a friend in trouble. Don’t beat him up for bad decisions and rationalizations – hold him up and tell him, trust me friend – because if you can’t trust yourself right now – you need a friend. Trust me to be there for you until you can be there for yourself! … Love your friends, take a part in their lives actively – but don’t be afraid to risk it all and say – your happiness is more important to me then your state of relationship. So him/ I don’t know enough. But I know you are miserable and that is my single greatest concern dear friend. . .
This is it, I’m finished. I wish a friend had taken me aside – but by the low depth of the bottom I had to hit before he beat me, threw me into a wall and cracked my head open destroying thousands in antiques where I fell – I got up and threw him out – and realized I’d pushed myself away, all my friends away – and this was the moment when I reclaimed my life.
Bankrupt, friendless, and devastated. At least I could start again. I did, and it’s been tough. And I have spent up to 3 years with one friend regaining his trust. It was not easy – it isn’t easy yet, and it’s okay that it will take more time. I took 6 years ignoring my friends. Now they are teaching me trusting takes time, and is earned. I’m earning it.
Been there
Done that
Read and wrote the book
Did the movie
And the mini-series on tv
and it was still lousy
BUT I picked myself up
dust myself off
and ready to start all over again.
It’s nasty – and it’s different for everyone.
No fool like an old fool.
Oh, he’s in jail for preach of parole with assault and battery. 3.5 years. I saw him at 300 pounds. He was bi – polar and beautiful — but when treated he was down to earth, easy going, fat – and I didn’t trust him a second. I didn’t relish his karma, I don’t dispice him, I just don’t want to be friends with him until he at least shows some remorse and repays me with a bottom line figure of $8000. He knows it. And it ain’t gonna happen. I’m safe now. I won’t let it happen again.
Cheers
amen, Saba.