That’s a real lazy title, Helix.

I’ve spent the last ten minutes or so trying to come up with some kind of metaphor about a high-flavor, low-nutrition food that I could compare Helix releases to. And I came up with candy and fast food and then those flavored popcorns that come in those big tins that lazy gift-givers produce around the holidays.

But probably the best thing to compare Helix releases like Soccer Hotties to is Snow Cones. They’re sweet, and summery, and entirely uncomplicated. Even when they involve more than one single flavor (cherry, grape, blue raspberry), by the third lick or bite, they’ve all merged together into one, ultra sugary, ice-cold corn syrup mess. It’s all the same, but it’s still delicious.

Logan Cross and Josh Brady (but really – does it matter?) don’t say a word to each other in this preview, and only hold up the soccer pretext for a few seconds before getting into an overly sports themed, borderline-child’s bedroom and getting to the penetration:

But somehow, because they’re fresh and sweet and summery, you watch it anyway. These two boys don’t have 20 pubes between them and they seem inexperienced and entirely disconnected from each other throughout, but there’s something relatable and familiar about that youthful using of someone else’s body to scratch your own itch. It’s different than watching somebody like Gabriel Cross, who manages to keep himself engaged, even when impaled on some of the biggest star-caliber dicks working today. But it’s not bad.

Helix isn’t my first stop in the wheel-of-porn when I’m looking to jack off. But I get it. I remember being this age and having sex like this: