Gleek Out: Hell-O

After leaving us stranded for four months, we finally got a chance to say "Hell-O" again to Fox's hit show Glee. Last night's episode featured five new recordings that included the words "hello" or "hell". Not to mention that it also delivered one of the best lines ever–"Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?" Oh, the eternal wisdom of Brittany!

Even though I know the hardcore fans are going to hate me for this, I wasn't too thrilled by any of the musical numbers in this episode. There were a few that were tolerable, but I expected a little more from the spring premiere. Of course, next week will mark the unveiling of the show's all-Madonna episode, and it will inevitably make up for every single one of the show's previous disasters. 

I mean, have you seen Jane Lynch's take on "Vogue"? It's one of the best things the producers of this show have ever done. Click through to watch it, along with the full episode and studio recordings from this week's songs!

– Dewitt

To watch the episode, read more and hear the songs, follow the JUMP:

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FULL EPISODE:

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Hello, I Love You (Cory Monteith): Finn's a total dope who doesn't ever really know what he wants. Rachel somehow lassoes him into a relationship, but he's still in love with a girl who had sex with his best friend, got pregnant and claimed he was the father. Despite his raging feelings for Quinn, his hormones take over when Cheerio squad members Santana and Brittany promise some girl-on-girl action with a threeway date. After that's a total bust, he comes running back to Rachel. Huh?

This song occurs somewhere towards the beginning of the episode, during a ridiculously forced scene in which Schuester encourages Finn to channel his inner rock star. He opts for doing his best Jim Morrison impression on The Doors' "Hello, I Love You". It's not a particularly good one, but at least it's better than half of the crap performances on American Idol. (2.5 Points)

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Gives You Hell (Lea Michele & Cast): After Finn breaks up with Rachel, she decides to get revenge by performing this song for Mr. Schuester and the entire glee club. Naturally, they all wind up joining in and dancing with her. Fuck yeah pop and lock solo by "Other Asian"!

In theory, this All-American Rejects cover should have been a raucous good time full of laughter and teen angst. But it wound up sounding like the lost tapes of a Kidz Bop recording session. Rachel's voice is too polished for something this vengeful, and it would have been handled better in the hands of Mercedes or another cast member. This was a nice idea that really backfired in practice. (1 Point)

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Hello (Jonathan Groff & Lea Michele): Rachel's melodramatic behavior has become so commonplace on this show that it's almost not worth commenting on. If she were a reasonable person, she'd realize that Finn a hot mess and move on to something else. She also wouldn't immediately fall into the star of a rival glee club within the course of three minutes. But when has Rachel ever done anything reasonable? She lives in a fantasy world where she could be swept off her feet at any moment, and when she finally wins the love of her prince… she assumes it'll always be "happily ever after". And then she gets a big slushie of reality thrown right in her face.

Vocal Adrenaline member Jesse St. James (who should not be confused with the 1980s female porn star Jessie St. James) woos Rachel with this Lionel Ritchie ballad, and you can tell he's bad news from the moment he appears on screen. Though both singers deliver a powerful performance, the song goes on a bit too long in the episode. Not to mention that it's kind of a totally bland song to begin with. Total snore! (2 Points)

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Highway To Hell (Jonathan Groff/Vocal Adrenaline): Since when did Will Schuester become such a mess? Things start getting heated with his new beau Emma, but they cool off when he discovers she's never been intimate with anyone. Later in the episode, she finds out the song they danced to was the same song from his Junior Prom with Terri, which somehow leads to her pulling away from him.

Of course, his sexual frustrations get the best of him when he encounters rival glee club director Shelby Corcoran (as played by the incredible Idina Menzel). They wind up swapping spit back at his place, during which she reveals, "Most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay." Will's feelings for Emma take over, and he pushes away. Then he has an insincere heart-to-heart conversation with Shelby, in which she really calls him out for sucking at life. She also hits on him some more, but that's to be expected from cutthroat bitches.

This song occurs shortly before the enthusiastic make-out session, when Will peeks in on a rehearsal by Vocal Adrenaline. Lead vocalist Jesse St. James adds a dash of rock authenticity with his wailing, but I'd still rather listen to AC/DC. (3 Points)

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Hello Goodbye (Cory Monteith, Lea Michele & Cast): Another cheesy finale song! This one fit well within the context of the episode, given all the break-ups and romantic drama. Points off for fucking with The Beatles, but at least it's better than that time they closed an episode with Avril Lavigne. Though staging could have been a little tighter, the cast still turned out a solid effort here, and I have to commend them for that. (3.5 Points)

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Vogue (Jane Lynch featuring Amber Riley & Chris Colfer): Did somebody say Sue Sylvester doing Madonna? When you take the best character from the show and place her into a total recreation of a pop legend's hit, it's obviously a recipe for Glee-tardation. This episode may have been lacking in regards to the musical numbers, but the next one is going to blow us away! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am… (5 Points)

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BREAKDOWN OF POINTS SYSTEM:

• 5 Points = Excellent or exceeding expectations in regards to vocal performance, choreography and arrangement. Fits well within the context of the episode, and potentially better than the original version.
• 4 Points = Not too shabby! May not be entirely on par with the original, but a fantastic effort by the actors and vocalists.
• 3 Points = Tolerable. Did not induce eye rolls or kept them to a minimum. 
• 2 Points = Could be a variety of factors, including poor song choice or lackluster performance. Boring or uninspired. May be an insult to the original artist.
• 1 Point = Absolutely painful. Couldn't wait for it to be over.