Dear Doctor QueerLove,
I recently turned 26 and started feeling a massive itch to settle down and think about marriage and children.
After a long stretch of drunken one nighters and having only one semi-long term relationship, I've now started seeing someone for whom I'm head over heels. I love everything about, and I'm picky! It’s only been about a month but I can feel myself already wanting to jump into my dream world.
I feel extremely vulnerable and afraid I might act in those crazy ways girls usually do, ultimately scaring him away. This is all new to me and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him!
Please help!
Sincerely,
A Boy In Love
For the Doc's advice, follow the JUMP:
ABIL, you know exactly what your problem is, and knowing is half the battle. Kudos to you, my love-struck friend! Being aware that any minute, if left unchecked, you may propose marriage should help you fight the urge to be one of those movie clichés. When you are really into someone, it’s hard to not get excited about the future possibilities. But, as I’m sure you know, you need to take a breath and let these things develop organically (pun, totally intended).
How do you do that? That’s the hard part. Avoid the urge to play the Tom Cruise to his Katie Holmes and control your emotions. I’m not advocating being fake or bottling them up. Just realize that regardless of what The Secret tells you, you cannot rush your relationship and I cannot will Anderson Cooper to show up at my door naked (though I keep trying). After one month dating there’s no way you could know everything about this guy, so take the time to get to know him. At 26 you really have no reason to obsess about marriage (I do not understand people who get married before they’re 30, but that’s for another post). You’ve found this great guy. Now stop and enjoy the moment. One of the great things about dating is developing a history and slowly learning more about each other’s pasts. Again, that takes time.
In the mean time, avoid being clingy. When you feel the urge to text him (for the seventh time) or to make plans (for the fourth time that week), stop yourself. Instead, 2 out of 5 times, decide to refocus that attention on a friend. Email some old college buddies to say hello. Make plans with your favorite fag hag for drinks. Call your mom. Whatever. This may not only save you from smothering him, but it will also ensure you maintain a healthy, balanced life. Way too often, people cut back on friend time when they have a man.
Also, to help express your overwhelming feelings for your Prince Charming, try keeping a Love Journal. Write down your thoughts and keep notes about milestones in your dating. Eventually, when you get further into the relationship, you can give it to him as a gift. Then he’ll see how crazy you are, but by then he’ll be in too deep. And if for some horrible reason he turns out to be an ass rot of a man who breaks your heart, you can burn the journal as an act of closure and/or voodoo—your choice.
As long as you are sensing that there is an even and equitable balance between who is giving whom attention, you should be ok. If you tend to notice you are usually the one calling him or setting up plans, then you might want to stop Facebook stalking him. Keep in mind those wise words from Diana Ross and her Kelly & Michelle: You Can’t Hurry Love.
Got a question for the doctor? Email Queerlove@manhunt.net for your prescribed dose of reality.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in Celebrity Thanatology. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
I usually enjoy these posts, but can we please declare a moratorium on phrases like “your favorite fag hag”? It’s a demeaning term, and it’s bizarre to hear a gay site use a term like “fag”, let alone label someone’s friend a “hag” because she counts you among her friends.
That’s a phrase that was old back in the 70s and just sounds ugly and dismissive now, in my opinion.
Thanks!
stop whining like a little fag, tommy marks.
Maybe I’m just cheesy, but I think the idea of giving your significant other this “love journal” is a totally adorable idea. If a guy did that for me I think I would melt on the spot, haha.
I did a thing sort of like a “love journal” once, but a little different. A long while into our relationship, I bought a deck of cards, some colored paper, and some other things and made a little book called “52 Things I Love About You.” He went crazy for it!
I personally like the term “fruit fly” over “fag hag”.
Ok well good cowboyjck, now personally say them to yourself so noone can hear, lol.
Dr QL,
That was a very mean and, BTW extremely funny reference to BEnonsence and her fag hags. Love your advice as usual, very pointed.