Dear Doctor Queerlove,
I have a very hard time cumming when I have sex. I get very excited and hard, have a great time, but just can’t seem to get over the top and cum. Yet afterwards, if I sit down and watch some porn video, I shoot like crazy. Can you help?
CC
For the doctor’s advice, follow the JUMP:
In situations like this I think it best we turn to an era where sage advice abounded: the 80’s. As those titans of wisdom once said, “Relax. Don’t do it. When you wanna cum.” Ok, so it doesn’t exactly apply since you actually want to cum – but the relaxing part is important. It is incredibly common for men to need of some sort of manual stimulation in order to ejaculate during sex. My guess is that you worry about being able to shoot your load, and that probably exacerbates the problem. So relax.
Try getting tied up and having a guy pleasure you (well, tying up isn’t necessary, but I enjoy it!). Pretend you’re Tyra Banks and make it all about you. Have him work over your erogenous zones. Try different techniques and toys. Just lie there and focus on the sensations, not on the jizz.
Also, men are visual creatures, which is why we love porn. I’ve noticed that when most guys are jacking their dick into oblivion trying to cum, they close their eyes. Are they visualizing or trying hard to concentrate on semen manifestation? Either way, I say open up! Have your partner masturbate for you, or watch yourself play with them (personally, I love playing with and staring at my boys recently fucked hole while I get myself to the edge).
Lastly, and I think this is the most importantly, we all need to move away from goal oriented sex. Is the purpose of sex to experience pleasure, or is it give head, fuck and reach orgasm? Now, don’t get me wrong – I love all that and having a good O, but there are many times when you’re fooling around with your boy and sexual play reaches a point of completion and satisfaction without ever achieving an orgasm (gasp!). Not only is that ok, that’s great! Start having pleasure centered sex, which is organic and progresses based on what feels good, and move away from goal oriented sex, which feels formulaic and leads to disappointment if certain things aren’t crossed off the sex list.
Take your time. Relax and enjoy the deep, thrilling pleasures of man on man lovin’. Orgasm will happen. Cumming is great; just don’t forget how awesome everything before it is.
Lost in the sheets? Email the doctor at Queerlove@manhunt.net for your prescribed dose of reality.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in Semenology. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
“Pleasure centered sex” is the best sex around!
The term is “exacerbates”.