Dear Doctor Queerlove,
I've been hanging out with this guy that I really, really like. It's obvious he wants to start something with me, but I've been hesitant. He cheated on his last boyfriend and I'm not convinced he won't cheat on me. I think that if you're the type of person to do it once, you'll do it again.
So I have two questions. Do you think it's realistic to believe things will be different with me than it was with his last boyfriend, especially since he isn't all that remorseful over what happened? And two, if we do start a relationship, would it be wrong for me to demand that he stop being friends with the guy he cheated on his last boyfriend with ("they're just friends now")? I would hate to do it but I'd really want to underscore how seriously I take this and seeing the two of them together would always make me wonder if something was going on.
Signed – can't think of something clever
For Dr. Q's advice, follow the JUMP:
My Dear Unclever,
Not too long ago someone was unfaithful to Dr. Q. Big mistake. He now works at TV Guide. So bubbie, I understand how seriously you take this.
Side bar lesson: To me, infidelity is absolutely avoidable. The solution: communication. When you’re not communicating there are deeper issues than a ho on the side (or on their back). So kiddies, the minute y’all feel seriously tempted to stray, tell your partner “Baby, I was about to stick my junk into Tommy across the street. I was going to do that because…” And if your hubby tells you this, don’t blow up on them. Realize they’re being responsible by coming to you to talk about the issue, instead of going to Tommy to talk about what time you leave for work.
Unclever, that being said—you didn’t give us the “because…” and though cheating is wrong, the reason why should at least be considered. Was his ex-boyfriend cold, making him feel alienated? Or did he pull a John Edwards, succumbing to a floozy’s entrancing spell of “You are so hot”? If it’s the former, you can try to sympathize and he can try to learn from his mistake. If it’s the latter… well… he’s a dog. And honestly, the fact that he feels no remorse makes me think you should invest in a leash.
Nonetheless, I still think you should give the Pumkin’ Eater a shot. I get your concern about dating someone with a blemished track record, but you’re not marrying the guy. You’re dating. Since when did dating become such a big deal? Take the time to get to know each other and gradually build trust, working towards a level where you can say he’s your boyfriend. See if he’s matured. Look for signs of infidelity: elaborate excuses, unexplained phone calls, a sudden increase in gifts or attention, an unwillingness to talk about relationship issues, closed doors when they go into a room, or any noticeable change in behavior. State early on that you are taking this slow, are concerned about him being unfaithful, and will not tolerate cheating.
Additionally, make sure you practice safe sex! Dr. Q does all safe sex all the time. Do the same, but especially when you’re first getting to know a person. I’d even suggest holding off on anal for a bit (which is not to say you can’t get STD’s through other orifices).
In regards to telling him he can’t be friends with the home wrecker: sorry honey, but that’s a nay-nay. No one has the right to tell someone else who they can and can’t be friends with, especially at the onset of dating. I would also be uncomfortable with my man hanging out with a former lover, but ultimatums like this never work out. He’ll lie or keep things from you, and may grow resentful. Tell him you don’t feel comfortable about it and see what he does. But if being friends with the “other woman” is a deal breaker, don’t date him.
Unclever, you are completely justified in your concerns. There is a chance he’ll bust out his inner skank again… but he might not. Go into this guardedly and slowly, with no long-term expectations, so you can walk away if you have to.
Hey boys? Bad boyfriend or bad booty got you down? Email the doctor at Queerlove@manhunt.net for prescribed dose of tough love.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in The Use of Fear and Propaganda in Neo-Conservative Movement. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
So glad that the Dr. would also be uncomfortable when your boyfriend wants to hang with a former lover. I thought I was the only gay guy who felt this way. This is a deal breaker for me. It’s annoying that most gay guys have no problem with their man hanging with a former lover. I am always made to feel like I am an insecure prude.