Doctor Q,
I've been seeing this guy on and off for two years. Right now we’re in our longest span together, and things were going great. Then last week I was using his computer and stumbled upon some photos of me… and then photos of naked women.
I freaked out and left his apartment. I couldn’t bring it up until last night. His response was that at some point "he did want to have a wife and kids, but not anymore.” That he was “just in love with me, and that’s all [he] needed." He says he only gets off to women if he is in the mood. But thinking about it, I realized he never bottoms or 'return favors' during sex. This made me emotional so I stopped talking to him.
Am I over-reacting? I've heard dating bisexual people is way more complicated and have vowed never to do it. I don't know what to do, what to say to him, or how to get past this. Please help.
Sincerely,
Feminine but not a female
For the Doctor's advice, follow the JUMP:
Femme NotFemalé, personally, I’m always dubious of anyone who gets turned on by pus ::gulp:: …pussy. Now, I have immense respect for the vagina. And don’t get me wrong, the young frat boy Queerlove made his way through the roast beef curtains multiple times. But as the adage goes: bi now, gay later.
You didn’t mention your age, but I wonder if you two are early-twenty-somethings. If so, I would safely stick Alec Baldwin’s cock up my ass and bet that your man’s need to bust nut to the bearded clam will eventually pass (which is not to say there aren’t a number of “women loving” cocksuckers Manhunting it up from suburbs [and retirement homes] across the nation).
Personally, I don’t believe in bisexuality. I think “bisexuality” as the gay man’s final attempt to hold on to “normalcy,” while at the same time exploring his “deviant” sexual desires. Eventually they reach a place of acceptance (at least one would hope). I could go further, but it would take more space than Andy (or your attention spans) will allow me. Many people will disagree with me. Some who actually have doctoral degrees. But this isn’t their advice column; it’s mine.
I wanted to include that point because I think it’s what your boyfriend is currently going through. That, however, was not your question. You want to know if you’re overreacting, and what to do next.
Femme NotFemalé, I think you need to get out of this situation. Not because he jacks off to women, nor even because he hid this from you; but because he doesn’t “return favors” in bed. No one should put up with a relationship—platonic, romantic or sexual—where there is a disparaging inequality. Anyone who wants the benefits of a relationship without wanting to inconvenience themselves (by giving you head. God forbid!) is not worth a self-respecting man’s time.
In addition to the skew of your sex life is the fact this it sounds like this person doesn’t yet know who he is, or what he wants. Mind you, I do think you’re overreacting. So your man jacks off to women. Is he fucking them behind your back? People have all sorts of fetishes. I don’t think it’s a huge deal, though I know I may be in the minority on this one. See, though I don’t believe in “bisexuality,” I do think some people comfortable in their sexuality can find different things attractive. And that’s ok! We have way too many hang-ups with sex in this country. That being said, I don’t think this is your boyfriend’s situation.
What gives me pause is that he felt the need to explain himself, as if he is trying to hide something from you. If his response had been “Femme, it’s just porn. I think you’re overreacting.” I would have been more inclined to take his side. But he didn’t do that. Add to this the aforementioned fact that he is only willing to act as the typically dominant gender-role during sex, and it sounds off one loud ass alarm! ::INSECURE HOMO::INSECURE HOMO::
Please evacuate the relationship through the nearest exit.
Got questions about things coming out? Maybe about things you want going in? Let the Doctor help with your ins & outs! Email Queerlove@manhunt.net with your mo woes.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in time travel. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
it sounds about right to me, DQL.
basically.
As a bi-sexual man, I must disagree with the Doc’s advice. I personally find men and women equally attractive in different ways. I could find myself happy with either sex. Its taken me many many years to come to the understanding and acceptance that yes, bi-sexuality does exist. I can’t really explain why I am bi-sexual, much in the same way you can’t explain why you are strictly gay. As a caveat, if I were dating you, I would ONLY date you. There would be no cheating on the side, but I don’t see an issue with a little pornography either. We all have to bring a little excitement every now and then into our lives and if your boyfriend feels that he needs to see naked women from time-to-time, wouldn’t you rather it be from porn rather than actually having sex with one?
The Dr’s thinking on the bi thing, I’m not sure about…I don’t like labels…its like if some dude who claims to be a top, takes one in the butt once in a while he can’t call himself a top anymore…
However, I do agree with the Dr, that the fact that your bi guy, is “trade” only…meaning he doesn’t reciprocate…wtf?
How can you call that a relationship…you may as well just post an ad for “straight guys only”, and just have some closet case married guys come over and do you and not have to make breakfast, or do their laundry…
Tell him to pony up, and suck your cock, and then look at the pussy porn together or show him the door and move on, pronto!
You’ve got to be effing kidding me! You call this advice?
As a 40 year old gay man who has never even considered venturing near a vag (I can’t decide whether one looks like an autopsy or roadkill), I fully believe that there are men and women who are fully bisexual and capable of being in a loving, committed relationship with either gender.
Beyond that, have you actually bothered to plug into the current generation of 18 – 25 year olds (both male & female) who are comfortable with their sexuality and have no need nor desire to qualify it or classify it based on society’s need for “normalcy.” One night they maybe be hooking up with their girl, and the next night with their bro — and their sexual proclivities do not define their being.
Quite frankly, I find your line of thinking quite antiquated, out of touch with our evolving acceptance of fluid sexuality (how the Europeans have viewed sexuality for a few hundred years), and nothing more than bi-phobia.
The gays can be just as judgmental & condemning at the straights when it comes to bisexuality.
It’s ridiculous and wrong.
Problematic attitude about bisexuality aside, it does strike me as a *huge* red flag if the sex is so one-sided.
I’m astounded at the arrogance of proclaiming the sheer closed-mindedness and ignorance about bisexuality that it doesn’t even deserve my dignifying with a proper response at this point. Why subject other people’s “different” orientation to the same ridicule that we have for many lifetimes now been ourselves struggling against?
The other thing that bothered me about this piece of “advice” that I’m sure nobody else is gonna address is the fact that there are indeed some guys who get turned on by dominant top guys (who’re many times bisexual) that do NOT reciprocate. In fact, they’d get turned off at the mere suggestion that they turn the tables around. There is no “inequality” if you both get off on each other’s role in completely opposite ways but in equal measure. Is that so shocking?!
I have often thought that a Bi-Sexual was just plain fucking greedy.
Why don’t you just settle this once and for all…
At the end of the day who would you rather be in bed with? Or spend the rest of your life with? AND you CAN’T have both.
Your choice determines your sexual preference.
Take it or leave it…
I think it is time for a new “Doctor” Queerlove!!
This post is criminal and offensive. We as a glBt community need to stick together and fight for all of our rights not bash each others sexual “preference”
I would expect this coming from some queer bashing republican but not a member of our own oppressed community.
I am in a very happy relationship with a bisexual man. And I from time to time (usually when I am drunk) like to play for the other team. By no means that makes me confused or wrong. I am comfortable in my own skin and find a attraction In the person not the label that society has placed on us.
You said:
“Many people will disagree with me. Some who actually have doctoral degrees. But this isn’t their advice column; it’s mine.”
I think it is time for a change and for manhunt to step up and put some one with brains in your role to HELP the GLBT community not disgrace it!!!!
Rather than placing another complaint on the blog, I would ask if anyone knows the most direct way to state grievances to the people at Manhunt.net? I would prefer that the gentleman who wrote this blog understand the effects of his statement from someone there rather than an easily dismissed response to a blog.
Once we find out, I would invite you all to do the same. There is no worth to advice given from ignorant exclusion.
SOme people dont get it. There is nothing wrong to be bisexual. There are alot of open bisexual outta there, and it is not a way to”hide” one’s gay affairs.No. It is just an hybrid lifestyle. If you like guys only that is who you are, and if if he likes both that is how he want it to be. There are no rules that say you only fuck men only or you are not one of us. It is fucking stupid to see that gay men working so hard to conform everyone to be just like them.
If a bisexual guy fucks both guys and girls, that is just him, deal with reality or move on. You can’t chance anyone to fit in your box. Get real people.
Melvis:
The only way to complain that I found is “support@manhunt.net”
I have now deleted my manhunt profile and will no longer support it or any companies that they advertise. I have forwarded the link to all of my GLBT friends and many are doing the same.
This is a good start. I think the best way to complain is hit them where it hurts… Their subscribers and there money. I urge you all to do the same!
as a brand that seems to pride itself on its investment in the gay community and its wellbeing, its appauling that such closed minded viewpoints are being put forward. Yes you’re a blog website, yes this is a personal advice column, but you’re hardly showing any form of responsibility or compassion by reinforcing the gay aversion to bisexuality, on whatever level.
I have to agree with the Doctor on this. The Bi guy in this story doesnt know who he is yet. I am sorry, but no one should be put on an emotional rollarcoaster while someone “finds” themself.
wtf happened to kinsey here?
i mean this guy sounds a bit weird since he didn’t bring it up for two years, but to deny bisexuality is just as bad as denying homosexuality. If you don’t believe it exists, then don’t, but remember that there are a lot of people out there who “believe” that there is no such thing as being gay. To me the DQL response is highly offensive, but the question itself is okay.
I get the entire not returning favors part, of course that is complete and utter selfishness and should be questioned, but to DENY a sexuality? I expected way more.
“DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor,” or even semi-educated. Dr. Queerlove has probably never read a recently (25 yrs) published book on anything regarding sexuality.
Is this what I can expect from this site from now on?
Dr. Nono at the rescue:
Dear Femme;
If he doesn’t treat you right, as I assume from the part where you said “on and off for two years” you should get rid of him.
Not because of the fact that he is bi, but the fact that it seems that he does not realize what lies before him; a person that gives selflessly in bed for two years without questioning the lack of return favors.
Give and take as you like, and love somebody for who they are, but if it conflicts with what you want and need, it is dumping time.
You deserve to be served.
I found the response from “Doctor Queerlove” offensive and very outdated. The Owners of the site should consider his future with their brand!
When you deny bisexuality exists, you’re effectively attacking an identity. An identity you imply is made up of insecurity and confusion: that may be through the lens of your own experience, but frankly to dismiss it so offhand is absurd. Your argument is no better than that of those who claim gay people are merely confused about their own sexuality. It’s not helpful and it’s not even well-thought out.
Of course the guy felt the need to explain himself. He was confronted by Femme NotFemale, who’d freaked out at finding the pictures. Hardly a calm situation in the first place. I think Femme should talk to him about things like reciprocation if they’re that big a deal. Not everyone enjoys bottoming, just as not everyone enjoys topping.
Dating anyone is complicated, but it seems like his attitude toward bisexual people is making his situation complicated in and of itself. Self-fulfilling much?
“See, though I don’t believe in “bisexuality,” I do think some people comfortable in their sexuality can find different things attractive. And that’s ok! We have way too many hang-ups with sex in this country.”
Kinda confusing.
If we’re going to demand rights for homosexual, transgendered, transexual, w/e, the bisexual identity needs to be there too. It’s part of the sliding scale of geneder-attraction and can’t just be dismissed ’cause you feel like it.