Coming Out In Small Town, USA

It’s been a pleasant surprise to skim through our inbox and see so many excellent contributions for Coming Out Month. We’ve gone through a range of emotions reading your stories, and we don’t ever want that feeling to stop! Head over here to find out how you can participate. It’s easier than you’d think.

Today’s entry comes from 26 year-old Manhunt member John. Growing up in a small conservative town where “everyone knows you and knows your business”, he wasn’t sure what reaction he’d get when he came out to his friends and family six months ago.

And how did it turn out? Keep on reading to find out!

– Dewitt

Photo credit: Jeff Brewster

Click through to read this member’s coming out story:

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“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

You would think that coming out, by the way everyone talks about it on places like It Gets Better or The Trevor Project, is some mystical, magical time. Mine, like probably a lot of other’s, wasn’t the easiest.

I live in small town USA where everyone knows you and knows your business. We don’t even have political commercials, because the analysts assume we’re a red state no matter what. I guarantee you, we’ll be the last state in the union to adopt gay rights.

Beyond that, I work in one of the most masculine professions ever, around hyper-masculine men who love to make gay jokes. Even though this was the case, I one day decided that I had finally had enough of lying, hiding who I am and lying about my boyfriend.

I started telling my friends about my newly-found relationship (Yes, we met on Manhunt) in November of 2011. It got easier with each person I told. The more people who knew and didn’t mind, the easier it became to realize no one really cared. They just wanted to see me happy.

Even though it was getting easier to tell people and I had a great support group, I was tired of living a double life. I was tired of being scared of my family’s reaction. It was time to man up and tell them who I am and let the pieces fall as they would.

I tried to do it in person the last time I was home, but fearing their intense reaction, I decided doing it in the comfort and safety of my own home was best. I texted my parents and said, “when you get home can you facetime me? we need to talk.”

It was Thursday, March 8th, 2012 at 7:32 pm, and what followed was a 48-minute conversation that, for the rest of my life, I will never forget.

The ever familiar Apple ringtone started going off in my bedroom. “FaceTime,” I thought to myself. “Great, so I get to see their faces and disappointment. Awesome.”

I answered, and there sat my dad with my mom standing behind him, both wondering what was so urgent that I needed to talk to them on a normal Thursday night in March.

”Hi guys, how are you?” I mumbled.

“Good… Wondering what’s going on.” they said. And rightfully so.

“Well, Mom, you asked me if I was seeing anyone and made me promise if there was someone important in my life, that I’d tell you. Well, there is. HIS name is Matt…”

Even at this point in my relationship, after months of counseling, I couldn’t muster the words: “I am gay.”

Dead silence, followed by a pit in my stomach, a feeling of throwing up, yet almost relaxation, because for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have to ever worry about mumbling those words again.

The minutes that followed were filled with tears, questions, some yelling and some pretty harsh words and difficult emotions. I don’t blame my parents for a single part of their reaction. As tough as it was for me to figure out and admit, it was equally as hard on them to hear it. Their feelings, like mine in the situation, were valid.

Even through her struggle, my Mom told me that she loved me and it would just take time to adjust. My Dad, later that evening, responded with an email letting me know that he still loves me.

After 48 tear-filled minutes, we ended the conversation and didn’t speak for three days. I was crushed, upset and lost. Everyone on blogs, websites and YouTube talks about COMING OUT. They don’t talk about the aftermath and how to pick up the pieces.

The complicated next 48 hours that followed were a mixture of phone calls from family members who found out through the grapevine, as well as “how are you doing?” texts from my sisters. I felt completely lost.

That Monday night, when my parents and I had another FaceTime conversation, I prepared for the worst. They actually just looked into the camera and said, “We’d rather have a son and learn to accept him for who he is than no son at all.”

Although to this day, almost six months later, my family’s still struggling with coming to terms with who I am, I am happy I did it. I just attended my first gay pride festival in Las Vegas and couldn’t have been happier that I didn’t have to hide.

My advice to anyone coming out is to just take it day by day. Realize that this is a HUGE moment in your life as an adult, and it takes a lot of time. It’s an ongoing process, a roller coaster of emotion, and sometimes, a whole lot of fun.

Maybe you will be lucky and have a family who handles it well, or maybe you’ll be faced with challenges like I have been. Regardless, you will have people come out of the woodwork and support you and love you for who you are.

The love in my life has quadrupled since coming out, and I am not even in a relationship at the moment. The biggest surprise is the amount of people who, regardless of who I am, still love me for who I am.

Don’t worry about the afterwards part. It’s a fun journey of trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be in this world as a newly-out gay man. You’ll figure it out in time, make some mistakes along the way, but if you keep your head up, you’ll be okay. I promise.

If I could leave you with one quote that really helped me get through all of this it would be:

”There’s a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of being happy. Your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.” – Oprah Winfrey.

It’s the truth. You alone, as you are, are enough. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently. Love yourself for who you are, where you are in your journey, in the closet or out of it.

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