I Went To The Hookies (And All I Got Were These Pictures Of Sexy Male Escorts)

“I could sell you on Rentboy,” a rather fabulous woman with brightly-colored hair told me near the red carpet at the Hookies—the male escort award show hosted at the OUT NYC hotel this past Friday. It was one of several surreal moments that made me wish I had taken a different career path in life, because man, every single nominee and winner I spoke with had nothing but great things to say about their job. Collectively, I’d say they managed to shatter the dumb, ignorant stereotypes people have about sex workers, often leaving me in awe with their warmth, intellect and humor.

The full list of nominees and winners, if you’re curious, can be viewed here. There were some surprises, as well as some predictable victories, and in the grand tradition of bloggers feeling like they’re important, I’d love to dish about everything in a post that’s so long, most of you won’t bother reading it!

To start off, let’s talk about Rocco Steele. The extremely well-endowed porn personality took home two of the five awards he was nominated for, including Best Cock (duh) and the coveted Mr. International Escort 2015. For someone who was pretty much a shoo-in for both categories, he was remarkably humble when we spoke before the ceremony. Here is a picture of us standing next to one another, in which I made a feeble attempt at looking attractive in his almighty presence:

I also made an attempt at humor by asking Rocco a hard-hitting question—“How many people in this room tonight have you been inside?” He laughed, and when I insisted that I was genuinely curious, he began to count and immediately lost track. A similar sentiment was echoed by regular fisting bottom and Best Kink/Fetish winner Brian Bonds, when someone turned the question around and inquired how people have been inside of him via Twitter.

Speaking of bottoms, I managed to touch a few butts throughout the night! Best Newcomer winner Patrick Michaels let me brush my hands against his luscious cheeks. Notably, his co-winner Viktor Belmont became the first FTM performer in the Hookies’ history to receive a nomination and take home an award. If I were drunker at the Black Party the following night, I probably would have touched his butt more than I did at the time. He is pretty fucking charming and easily became one of my new favorite people in the industry.

My Chicago redheaded dream team Seamus O’Reilly and Ted Byrns reigned as Best Twink and Best Bear/Cub, respectively. Shortly after Ted taught me a few things about cigar play, I flirted heavily with his co-winner Will Foster and learned more about his goals within the business. For those of you keeping score at home, I only managed to touch two out of those three butts, and sadly, it was over-the-pants action. I can confirm that Will’s butt is beefy and solid as all fuck.

If you had been following on Twitter, you may know that I spent most of Friday afternoon flipping out about what to wear, since I left Boston too soon to receive packages from International Jock and Jockstrap Central. Lucky for me, Boomer Banks was kind enough to chat with me on the phone, helping me avert this fashion crisis and complete my pervy gym teacher outfit. It’s no coincidence that he wound up winning the Best Dressed/Style award later that night. It’s also no coincidence that he yelled at me when I neglected to take some of his advice and wound up looking like this next to mr. Pam on the red carpet:

Shortly after this picture was taken, mr. Pam complimented my eyeballs, eeven though I had the audacity to invade her red carpet and pretend I’m important enough to be there in the first place. I kissed her on the shoulder and pranced off stage like a student my gym teacher character would refer to as a “sissy cocksucker”. It made me feel like heaven.

What else is there to say? Best Daddy winner Chris Roberts was quite friendly and the definition of a total DILF, thinking about my interactions with Eli Lewis makes my dick a little hard, and I regret not being more proactive to introduce myself to winners like Austin Wolf, Aleks Buldocek, Kurtis Wolfe, Tyson Tyler, Mike De Marko, Leo Sweetwood and Nick Sterling.

(I did, however, briefly meet Duncan Black before the event at a small pre-party with Rene Lopez, Neil the Erotic Hypnotist and Ryan from Manhattan Digest. We shook hands, and he showed me his incredible harness that I believe was custom-designed for him by FM Leather.)

The evening’s hostess Alaska Thunderfuck solidified her status as one of my favorite RuPaul’s Drag Race alumni, and her co-host Brad Loekle made it pretty clear that he’s a bottom who enjoys big penises (and comparing those aforementioned penises to Dora the Explorer in a way that inspired a combination of big laughs and questionable groans). The stage candy—Seth Fornea and a stunning escort named Ricky—kept the crowd very, very aroused.

I should take this opportunity to mention how much I enjoyed running into previous MAL 2015 comrades Jesse Jackman, Dirk Caber and my favorite awkward conversation partner, Bravo Delta. While Jesse was speaking with Colby Jansen, I rudely interrupted to apologize for my harsh words during Rapidgate 2015. Like the big teddy bear that he is, he smiled, shrugged it off and accepted the weird, uncomfortable hug I forced him to give me. His smile may or may not have made me want to drop my panties. Metaphorically speaking, but of course:

And, well, nothing else too scandalous happened! Gay porn Voldemort was there chatting it up with QUEER ME NOW‘s editor, and I somehow managed to avoid having him corner me and attempt to convince me that he’s a halfway decent human being who deserves respect. I have a theory that he was too disgusted by my average, normal body to consider approaching me.

All in all, I’m extraordinarily glad that I got to share the Hookies with the nominees, the non-nominees, Rentboy and the Manhunt family. While I’d say I have no regrets whatsoever, it’s pretty clear from this recap that I didn’t touch enough butts. There’s always next year, I suppose! Hell, maybe you’ll see me next year on stage presenting or accepting an award. You never know what could happen in this crazy, crazy world.

– Dewitt

Check out additional pictures we took at The Hookies below:

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