Google Gaydar!

Do this. Go to Google and type in “Is [celebrity name] gay?”. You may actually get an answer. Google seems to have (silently) rolled out a sexual orientation determinator. Give em’ a celeb, and it (sometimes) searches out anything mentioning that person’s sexual orientation, aggregates the data, and it “guesses” them a team. Why? Because Google knows humanity is ENDLESSLY fascinated with what famous people are up to in the sack.

The problem is that the ones we know are sucking dick don’t pop up! We tried Kevin Spacey, John Travolta (don’t even TRY and tell me that Travolta hasn’t had every willing dick in the steamroom in his butthole), Taylor Lautner (oh, come now), Cruise, etc. Those stars don’t appear, but out celebrities (Elton John), straights, and a smattering of semi-out celebs (Jodie Foster) do. What does this mean?

It means that it’s a massive conspiracy! Google OBVIOUSLY approached all of the closeted actors in Hollywood and threatened to add them to their Google Gaydar as “gay” unless they funded Google +. Because Google + doesn’t seem to have any actual function, amiright? So they couldn’t get any backers, and needed the cash!

Yes, the flaw in that theory (“the” flaw, you ask? There’s only one?) is that these guys aren’t appearing at all. Wouldn’t it be better for their closet case status if they came up as “straight” in this fun little tool?

There’s an obvious answer! It’s because Google knows their credibility would be blown if Anderson Cooper or Queen Latifah came up as hetero. Everyone would laugh and switch to Bing. Hell, if Will Smith came up as straight, we’d start using Yahoo.

(Ed. note – Google being a mega-conglomerate blackmailer is just me being jokey. But, Google + seriously doesn’t have any discernible  function)

– J. Harvey

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