You wouldn’t believe some of the questions that come into my inbox. Just because I happen to write about porn and sex for a living, people assume I’m this all-knowing authority who can dish out advice like the experts. Not the case! No matter how much dick I suck, I don’t know how to tell your boyfriend you want to piss on him…
But, um, that’s a topic for a whole other day! On this lovely Monday afternoon, I bring you yet another question that I can’t answer on my own. A reader wrote to us because he recently entered his first monogamous relationship, and he’s still not clear on a few of the boundaries. Namely, does it count as cheating if he logs on to Manhunt, chats with other guys and shows off on cam?
He clarifies, “I have no intention of ever sleeping with these men. More than half of them don’t live in the same state… Porn doesn’t really do it for me anymore. I crave the spontaneity of interacting with other people. The rush of stroking my dick for 20-50 horny viewers. It’s all about getting off and unleashing my true exhibitionist nature.”
The obvious answer to this issue? Talk to your partner. You never know what his reaction may be. On one hand, he might get upset that you didn’t bring this topic up before jizzing on camera for fifty other guys. But who knows? There’s a chance he may be relieved, since he’s been doing the the same thing. Or maybe you’ll open a whole new door in your relationship, and he’ll be excited at the prospect of playing on cam together.
While I relayed this advice to our troubled reader and stressed the big “communication” angle, he still expressed curiosity about what others thought about this issue. Personally, how would you feel if you found out your partner was camming behind your back? All in all, would you consider this cheating? Or is it just another method of blowing off some steam?
– Dewitt
Photo credit: You Love Jack
To check out Michael Shore jerking on cam, follow the JUMP:
It’s a “gateway action”…yes I coined it here. I’m with you, if that is a part of your relationship..no foul!
Its not “cheating” per se, but it is a betrayal of the unspoken agreement that your lover is capable of fulfilling all of your sexual needs. And the fact that the guy asked the question about cheating strongly suggests that he understands the betrayal involved.
Dewitt is right about the importance of communication here…. what I would do explain to your lover that you have an exhibitionist streak — that you’d live to have sex in public. From there, the idea of on cam masturbation as a form of foreplay can be broached. Cumming on camera is probably a bad idea, at least at first–it signals to your lover that you’d rather be with 20-50 other guys on camera than in bed with him.
In a closed, committed relationship, yes.
Clearly every relationship is different with unique boundaries etc., but basically, camming is tantamount to having sexual contact with another person and thus cheating.
mentally your having sex with the guy on the cam, so unless your partner is there sharing it, it’s a kinda of cheating
It is cheating…plain and simple. You can spin it anyway you’d like, but when push come to shove…it is cheating.
Well, I think it is cheating. I have had the same doubt and sometimes even wanted to do it (having a bf) Then I realized I wouldn’t feel that good knowing my bf does so. If you’re on a serious relationship, it means you have to be loyal to your partner physically, mentally and even virtually.
I get his point of getting all horny and wanting to jerk off, cause I love to do it too. Thank God we’ve got plenty of choices to do so, like porn…or even places with live cams which would be my suggestion (and what I do at times 😉
I enjoy watching other guys jerking off in real time and me telling them what to do and. This way I don’t have to show anything and there’s no sign of cheating.
cheating implies deceit. If it is denied, hidden or lied about yes. Its all about the relationship in question i think.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOE’S IT MAKE…YOU CAN FANTASIZE ABOUT SOMEONE, IS THAT CHEATING ? CAM IS NO DIFFERENT, YOU’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM…..IS STROKING TO A MAGAZINE CHEATING ?
It’s cheating if a discussion has been had where camming is considered cheating. 🙂
I think if you’re engaging in a sexual activity with another live person, even if they’re not in the room (i.e. On cam, via chat/text) it’s cheating if you’re in a monogamous relationship.
Who is the guy in the pics, he can cam for me and my partner anytime!!
If one luver could full fill all r needs sexually then we all stay with one person forever…but we dont do we…gay or str8…so if camming helps get ur rocks off like porn and u stay with ur luver/partner then the better…me?…i rather have LOTS of partners n fuck n fuck n fuck…next please
everything has it’s degrees and isn’t black and white, is it a form of “cheating”? yes. but is it even 1/100th as bad as actually having sex with someone else? no. It’s cheating in the same way that you might go on manhunt and e-mail some guys you think are hot, but never actually meet up with anyone. it’s not going to make your partner very happy, but hopefully they wouldn’t break up with you either since you didn’t actually have a real life encounter. obviously the best thing is to do neither, but c’mon, we’re gay men how many of us have never “cheated lightly” (go on MH or cam for instance). I think if it keeps you from really cheating it might be for the best actually.
cheating
Damn 🙂
There are two answers to this question and they are yes and no.
Would I consider it cheating if my boyfriend was camming with another guy? No, as long as it was only camming (or we had an understanding about other me [read: open relationship]). I could think of it as him screening guys for a potential 3 way with me (totally down for some hot spit roasting action).
Does my boyfriend consider me camming to be cheating? Maybe yes, if he thinks it’s cheating then it’s cheating, if he’s okay with it then I consider it to be just as tame as watching porn. Is watching porn cheating? I don’t think so, but when I’m dating someone I find my porn watching significantly decreases, maybe it’s because I’m getting some regular cock up my butt.
So there is no simple answer, it’s something that you have to discuss with your partner. If you’re doing it and he doesn’t know about it, then when he inevitably catches you he’ll probably be very hurt. Secrets are not something to build a relationship on, even if you think you’re protecting your partner from something, it will end up being hurtful to him or the relationship (in which case both). If you’re into camming try camming with your partner the two of you can put on a show for the other person, if you’re both exhibitionists. The bottom line for me is communication. If you can’t communicate then you can’t have a meaningful lasting relationship.
I am astounded that anyone believes that any two people can possibly be capable of fulfilling all each other’s sexual needs. They may agree to set aside desires not satisfied in their relationship (a fool’s errand, IMO), but it’s romantic idealism to think it’s perfect satisfaction of all needs.
I think that unless it is discussed between the partners, it is obviously cheating… the same with porn (though people rarely discuss that one)…..
as for one person being capable of fulfilling someone else’s every need and desire, of course the answer is no…. but here is what I can say to that:
a) not every need must be fulfilled…. relationships r about compromise to some extent
b) not every urge needs to be acted upon (adults can control them, u know)
c) if not having every need fulfilled is a requirement to u, be man enough to move the relationship to the friendship territory….
Yes it is. But most gays can come up with some reason why it is ok, and in their mind it is.
Ever notice the You Love Jack guys always jerk off with their t-shirts on? What’s up with that?
Perhaps he should ask himself this question how would he feel if it was his boyfriend doing the camming behind his back ? Personally I do not find it cheating ( direct sexual contact ) but it is a since of betrayal as well as ( like Dewitt already stated ) a lack of communications. The fact that he is camming behind his boyfriend back leave me 2 believe that he is struggling with the issue of trying to remain FAITHFULL !!
I don’t consider it cheating… it’s basically interactive porn. Like was said in the post, as long as there’s no intention of meeting and making anything physical, then it’s fine by me. It’s just a way to get off… nothing more, nothing less.
I would have to agree with Dewitt and the majority of the other men’s responses. First and foremost, discuss it with your spouse/partner. If you are both okay with it, then there is your answer. For me personally, I would consider it cheating. I put myself in those shoes and if I had found out that my partner was doing that without talking to me about it, I would feel hurt and betrayed. Maybe not to the point of having to end the relationship, but there would definitely have to be a serious conversation to be had.
For me the issue is honesty. Tell your partner that this is what you are into, and discuss it. “Betrayal” or “cheating” for me is if you lie about it or hide it …
Ultimately it doesn’t really matter what any of us think. This is definitely a question he needs to ask his partner and then they decide if it’s cheating or not. We all would come at the question with our own judgments and beliefs and so he’s gonna get “YES! Definitely cheating” “MAYBE” “SORTA” and “Of course not”…all of which lands him right back where he started. I’ll bet asking the partner might even lead to the two of them performing on cam for other guys or the partner saying “have fun but don’t ever take it beyond that”. We all have to make the rules (or lack thereof) that work for our own relationships. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, thinks or believes…it’s not their relationship.
My boyfriend chatted with guys before. It was fucking awful for me. He didn’t do anything with them, never hooked up or anything. But I was so offended by it. He hid it from me because he felt embarrassed, and I felt betrayed.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger or random. I don’t even had a Manhunt account. I just like the blog. He had one tho, but he’s deleted it since.
It felt like I was cheated on, although I really wasn’t. Camming is like interactive porn – and I don’t know if this sounds selfish or psychotic – but we both have FaceTime on our iPhones, and we both have webcams on our computers, and we practically live together. So if he wants to watch someone and get off, he could do either or, through FaceTime or Skype with me if we spend the night apart. Just the fact that he msg’d some random dude really hurt me.
It did feel like cheating. So I think I do consider it cheating.
hell yes its cheating there should not have to be a rule against it or any sexual interaction with other men if he loves you or even cares about you at all then morally he will already know what is okay and what is not because he will feel it cam is cheating if he feels wrong doing it and its cheating if it hurts you period. if on the other hand you dont care and it feels right to him then let her cam till her little pee pee falls off. in my experience dealing with other men in a relationship takes the love two men share and it changes it some may like the new place it takes the me personally i liked it but it hurt us and if he were alive today i would look him in the eye and tell him i was sorry for bringing other men into our bed it was wrong on so many levels even tho he took part as well be very careful what you do with your heart you may not know how bad you have fucked yourself up till its to late and you like the very thing that is destroying your relationship thats all i can do i could preach it to you all day but some one may try and publish my shit as a self help book
you are an idiot
Quite possibly, thank you. But why do *you* think so? If you want to refute what I’ve said, please do.