JAZZ UP YOUR JIZZ: My Complicated Adventures Taste-Testing A Cum Sweetener

When a man like me sees the words “Jazz up your jizz”, he finds them extremely difficult to resist. That’s how I discovered Sugar Cum. The ads were running right here on the pages of Manhunt Daily, and naturally, I became obsessed with them to an unnatural degree. It started with one tiny tweet, then led to me spinning around in my desk chair, doing jazz hands and singing the Sugar Cum jingle to my coworker Diego.

The thing is? There is no Sugar Cum jingle. This was a song I wrote myself. The lyrics were as follows: “Jazz! Up! Your! Jizz!” Each word was punctuated, one note higher than the other. It brought me so much satisfaction to sing these words loudly across Manhunt headquarters, but little did I know, there was even MORE SATISFACTION TO CUM.

(See what I did there? I spelled “come” as “cum”, because this is a story about semen!)

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 On a day not unlike today—except it wasn’t a Sunday, because it’d be gross if I went into the office on weekends—a colleague threw four packets of Sugar Cum onto my desk. He had been in touch with Things 4 Fun, and I guess since I’m a world renowned sex blogger and stuff, they read my single tweet and decided to send over a few free samples. (Haha, just kidding! This was a complete coincidence! I am a total hack who nobody cares about! Nervous laughter!)

My immediate instinct was to open a packet immediately and shove it in my mouth. This was a terrible idea, because it was approximately 11:56am at the time. Upon reading the directions, I realized you’re supposed to take Sugar Cum an hour before sexual activity, and I most certainly did not have plans to jizz in anyone’s mouth for lunch.

This is what I get for not reading the directions! One packet down, three to go.

The second packet suffered a similar fate, but for different reasons. I was en route to a wedding in South Carolina. When I realized I left some Sugar Cum in my bag, I became weirdly paranoid that a TSA agent would see it and judge me, so I frantically swallowed the two pills before going through security… And, well, it’s a shame there wasn’t a cute gay flight attendant on my plane, because I totally would have joined the mile high club and pumped my load down his throat in one of those tiny, tiny bathrooms.

Two packets down, two to go.

At some point in the process, I decided to stop fucking around with this shit. I pulled out my calendar and penciled in “JAZZ UP YOUR JIZZ” on a night I’d be home alone. I made plans to treat myself to dinner, pop my Sugar Cum pills and watch a few of my favorite Jimmy Fanz scenes on Raging Stallion. Then, approximately one hour into this process, I would head to the bedroom, positions my ankles over my head, aim for my mouth and shoot as much as possible right onto my tongue/beard.

This would have been a great idea! This would have been a great idea if a guy I met through Manhunt didn’t text me ten minutes into jerking off, asking if he could come over to ride my dick… Basically, if my jizz got jazzy that night, I wouldn’t have any clue if that were the case. It all flew down his throat, and he swallowed every last drop. (In retrospect, I should have asked if he’d be down for some snowballing, or at least interviewed him afterward about how my spunk tasted, on a scale from one to ten.)

Three packets down, one to go.

Yesterday was the day it finally happened. The day I jazzed up my jizz. I took Sugar Cum a few hours before lunch. In the interest of not repeating the last packet’s history, I decided to randomly go for a jog throughout my neighborhood. This lasted about 15-20 minutes before I realized I am not someone who regularly jogs, collapsed on my couch, drank a ton of water and ate approximately four pieces of celery. (Which is clearly something you needed to know!)

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Eventually, I got bored of sitting around and contemplating my lack of fitness, so I logged onto Manhunt to see what was going on. (Apparently, a lot!) I came dangerously close to inviting a hot daddy to come over, eat my ass and stretch open my fuzzy hole with his amazingly fat cock. Thankfully—and this might be the only time I say “thankfully” in this sort of situation—he had another commitment with friends that conflicted with my butthole’s needs.

Since he got me so worked up, I went upstairs and pulled out some thing I have that looks like this. Lube was applied, the tip was positioned, and I wound up taking it deeper than I’ve ever taken it before, rocking back and forth on that glorious prostate stimulator until I could feel myself getting ready to blow.

This is where things got tricky. I wanted to cum into my mouth, but I didn’t want to take the toy out of my ass. Before I could figure out whether I was acrobatic enough to do the deed and keep everything in place, a quick jet of cum hit my right shoulder, followed by a very thick puddle accumulating on my tummy.

Rather than consider this a failure on my part, I scooped up my load and carefully swirled it around in my mouth, as if I were tasting a fine wine. There was this weird fear in my mind that Sugar Cum would make my spunk taste like a Slurpee. Instead, it was a perfectly natural sweetness, and the more I tasted it, the more I wanted to go back in for another taste. I greedily slurped down every last drop, wishing I could lick my skin to see how it mixed with my own sweaty saltiness.

Were the differences so drastic that I’m planning on buying a year-long supply of Sugar Cum? Probably not, but I am curious what would happen if I took this on a regular basis. I’d like to think people would start whispering to one another on the streets, “You see that guy? I’ve heard he’s got the jazziest jizz on the block. It’s like a party in your mouth every time he ejaculates. His cum makes the world a better place.” You know! Stuff like that.

If you’re aware that your jizz has a reputation for being less than desirable—or even if you’re merely curious about the potential jazziness that awaits you—there’s really no harm (don’t quote me on that) in experimenting with Sugar Cum as directed. The ingredients are primarily natural with pineapple, papaya, acai and wheatgrass extract, and there are no harmful side effects that I’m currently aware of (though I’ll be sure to let you know if I grow a third testicle or anything unusual).

So, um, what are you waiting for? JAZZ! UP! YOUR! JIZZ!

– Dewitt

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