ITEM – Jake Gyllenhaal‘s a mess. First off, he obviously saw the trailer for The Dallas Buyers Club and realized that McConaughey‘s going to get an Oscar nomination. So he stopped eating for his next film role. That wasn’t enough, so he had to get all fired up and intense about his character. He beat the shit out of a mirror while filming the upcoming Nightcrawler.
The mirror won because they had to rush Jakey G. to the hospital and sew up his hand. Jake Gyllenhaal used to be blazin’, and now he’s walking around sweating from malnutrition, waxy, with a big bloody bandage on his hand. Why mess with your look? It’s not like the Oscar is going to up your asking price or get you more roles. I saw Cuba Gooding Jr. at Old Navy the other day.
And what is up with young Hollywood injuring themselves lately? Be careful out there, you closeted lovelies.
– J. Harvey
Photo credit: People
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ITEM – Jezebel‘s favorite feminist Robin Thicke has a secret past. Need a hint? Our guest contributor Gay Duncan once bought a pubic hair of hers off of EBay. That’s right – Robin Thicke reportedly fucked Britney Spears back in the day! “Back in the day” would mean when he had Jesus hair. In Touch reports:
“He was trying hard to develop a reputation as a hot, young singer, and Britney was the biggest thing in show business,” the source tells In Touch, sharing that the two met collaborating on a project (which was never released) and “started hooking up.”
Keep in mind that Robin’s been dating his now wife, actress Paula Patton, since high school. Also, keep in mind that this is In Touch we’re talking about. They’re not quite down at the “Cher Descended From Sasquatch” level, but they’re pretty close.
I’d still sorta do Robin Thicke. By sorta do, I mean “dry hump in a bar and maybe exchange oral in a car.” You?
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ITEM – Pillow-lipped beef stick Tom Hardy will be portraying fussy super queen Elton John in Elton’s biopic. Tom’s research includes wearing Elton’s old clothes (I would totally masturbate to Tom Hardy in a Donald Duck outfit). That’s the gist of this post. But you know Elton’s piggy little hands have been all over Tom’s denimed ass since he got the part. Elton wants to make sure Tom portrays him exactly, down to butt plug usage, pubic bush-scaping and oral techniques. Don’t worry about Tom, though. He’s been around.
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I predict that Tom Hardy will pull a reverse Gyllenhaal, and put on too much weight unnecessarily for the Elton role. I mean, just get a fat suit — no one wants to see Elton naked anyway, even when he was younger.
Jezebel is so horrible. It’s like that bitter, bitchy female cousin in her 30’s who’s never been married but has been a bridesmaid 20 times.
K, I’m just pissed cuz for a second I thought that a movie called Nightcrawler would be about the X-men character…and Kurt Wagner is my favorite. So now I’m bummed.
I hope Tom will portray Elton’s proclivity for getting fucked raw by giant monster cocks.
I may or may not have made that up.
The poor man is emaciated. He looks incredibly unhealthy. I hope he comes through this okay.
maybe, but odds are that Sir Elton likes his cocks raw, monster and giant but unfortunately will probably not be mentioned.
Jakey looks AIDSy. Dont fight the sexy, son. Just roll with it. You are a star because you are hot, not because youre a brilliant actor. Now eat a cheeseburger and get your cock out.