Dr. Queerlove,
Have you ever heard of a three-way relationship? Not just sex. More than a ménage à trois. Three people dating each other, possibly even living together, as boyfriends.
My partner of five years met this guy through work who we both adore. We have a great time hanging out together, but even more so we both feel that we have chemistry with him. About a month ago he came over for dinner and we finished the night with a threesome. The best part is that it wasn’t weird afterwards. We still hang out with him frequently and have repeated the threesome a number of times.
It feels like we’re dating him, so I’d like to make it official. I think he’d be into it, and my partner and I have jokingly mentioned it a few times. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Number Two
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Isn’t it warm? Isn’t it rosy? Side by side… by side. Well, not always. Hanging out and kinky sex is hot, but let’s consider the other side of the spectrum. You, number two, have faults. As we all do. I want you to imagine a discussion with your partner about how something you do is getting to him. You are both respectfully arguing your opposing points. Now… imagine your partner calling someone in for back-up. It might go something like this:
Number 1: Number two, you are so stinky.
Number 2: What?! No I’m not! I totally shower! …With Zest! I am totally Zestfully clean!!
Number 1: Number Three, could you come in here?
(Number Three walks in, hugs Number One and looks at you)
Number 1: Three, does Number Two smell sometimes?
Number 3: Oh, definitely. Especially when we’re all having sex. You can get musty, Number Two.
Not fun, right? The Doc’s humble and semi-to-non-professional opinion is that most people are not mature and selfless enough to handle something as demanding as a trouple (a three-way romantic relationship). Which isn’t to say that you are not; I just want to emphasize the inordinate amount of patience, compromise, communication and trust that will be required from all three partners.
Let me give you a less exaggerated and completely plausible example. You have to work late all week. Your partner and new boyfriend decide to go out; and they do—four nights of the week. Every night they come home and have sex on the couch downstairs so they don’t wake you up. Two, could you honestly tell me you wouldn’t feel a twinge of jealousy or exclusion? Personally, I’d die (and I consider myself to be a fairly rational person). Sexual three-ways are enough to send some relationships on a downward spiral. Emotional three-ways require constant evaluation and work.
Again, a long-term trouple could totally be successful. The right mix of personalities could achieve even the most unconventional of dynamics. You all seem to have mutual connections, which is a good start. If you all remain understanding, giving and rational you can make this work for you.
Now, we haven’t even talked about Number Three and how hard it’s going to be for him to walk into an established relationship. Hanging out and sex is fun, but a romantic relationship takes everything to a whole other level. Are you sure he’d be up for it? Here’s my gay-ass suggestion: during conversation with three bring up one of those Oprah specials on polygamy, and ask him what he thinks about alternative relationships. If he’s smart he’ll see right through it, but it’s a softer entry into the topic than “Do you want to date us?”, which may risk your friendship.
Have a long conversation with number one and see if you are both ready for this because it will inevitably take a toll on your relationship at some point in time. There are questions that need to be addressed. Do you tell your friends about this new arrangement? How do you explain it to your relatives? Are there boundaries? If this becomes serious, how would you handle finances, shared work-benefits, etc.? Don’t mean to be a boner killer, but you have a great deal to consider. On the plus side, the sex should (hopefully continue to) be hot and non-stop, so stock up on the lubes and condoms.
Summer’s comin’. Do you know how you’re going to handle that clingy boyfriend or his annoying pre-mature ejaculation habit? Email the doctor at Queerlove@manhunt.net for your prescribed dose of reality.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in How Incredibly Friggin’ Awesome Glee Is. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
Well, i do believe that it should be talked about. But i would completely support a threeway relationship. If everything was the way that you described and nobody had any objectifications than it seems like it would be a fun thing. The more love the merrier right?
Sorry doc i’d have to disagree with your “humble and semi-to-non-professional opinion”
I still love ya though and will ask you if i need some help.
I have to side with “Number Two” and tell you to go for it; but you really have to consider it with your partner seriously and talk about it with this guy. You need to make sure that everyone will be treated well and that there won’t be any jealous or feeling-left out feelings when you get into it.
I have 3 friends that have been in a 3way monogamous relationship for 14yrs now and they are the happiest couple I know but they also communicate a lot and are all equally invested in the relationship. I was the 3rd in one 3way relationship but left because I had to move away for school.
Anyway, I wish you good luck and hope it all works out for the best!
I know 3 lesbians who had a “trouple”. It worked for awhile, but eventually number 2 and number 3 would up as a couple and number one was left out. They all remained friends, however, and at the time of the “trouple” they were all fairly young (early to mid 20’s). Like any relationship, if the chemistry is right all the way around then it “could” work. It would definitely require a lot of talking and everyone would have to be very conscious about the possibility of jealousy.
Sorry… “wound” up as a couple. That was after about a year.
“Triads” have been around for sometime – this is news?
I agree with JH .. . they’ve been around for a while, so how is this “news”? I’ve known people in them. Was in one myself for a while . . . and yes, it does take alot of communication and work (just as any relationship should!) . . . but was worth it all the way.
BTW, “trouple”? WTF? Call it what it is, a “triad” . . . .
((dR ain’t that good’a one. haven’t ya’ll seen that yet, with all the effed up answers?))
i think it was a brilliant answer. good job, doc.
If I had been in a threesome for sex or whatever would end up feeling dirty and as someone with no dignity… What really bothers me is that, increasingly, someone like me, gay, no Virgin Queen but no promiscuous sex machine either, and who finds threesomes ugly, is becoming a “minority” these days. Don’t take me wrong though, if you’re all happy with the arrangement and nobody’s being hurt, why not?
i have been in a threesome relationship (trouple) for about 3 years now. we have plans for the future and we are all happy. however, it does take a lot of patience, rational, compromise, and communication. also, it is not all about sex!
I once met a couple who I’d consider being in a trouple with. Everything was really good except the sex though. The one guy would get jealous because two of us had crazy chemistry and then he overcompensated for feeling neglected by pushing the two of us into a really uncomfortable double penetration position. They were great to fuck (both versatile) but I don’t think I could be in a relationship with them if they got so jealous just in that case.