Dr. Queerlove,
I have been with my boyfriend for four years, living together for two, and I really love him. But our sex life isn't exactly hot. At first I thought he was taking it slow, but four years later it's starting to get to me. He doesn't like having anal sex; 95% of the time all we do is oral. In the rare occasion we do anal, he always has to top (he doesn't even like me fingering him). I'm starting to feel unfulfilled in our sex life. When I first brought it up he said I'm being a nympho and that our sex life was fine. Now he gets pissed when I mention it. To further complicate matters, I just became friends with someone who I think it flirting with me and I’m tempted. I’m feeling depressed and don’t know what to do.
Sincerely,
Feeling Blue 🙁
For Dr. Queerlove's advice, follow the JUMP:
Dear Mr. Blue
If you're feeling blue, I imagine your balls must be at a deep shade of indigo by now; though it seems your boyfriend might have chopped them off about 3 and 1/2 years ago. There are so many things going on here you could give Oprah a two-part special and Tyra a migraine headache, so let’s break this down.
- Barring any instances of infidelity, it seems you’ve been all but celibate for the last 4 yrs. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard (not counting big things like famine, genocide and being dumped for Angelina Jolie). If you’re unhappy in your sex life it’s likely you currently, or eventually will, have issues with appreciation, communication, equity and, most importantly, trust. Sex is one of the most highly correlated factors to relationship satisfaction. Sex matters! Which is why kinky evangelicals always stray from their Donna Reed wives into the arms of meth-addicted male escorts. You need a match. This issue alone would be enough for me to advise a serious re-evaluation of your relationship, but then there’s your boyfriend’s brush-off of your concern, made worse by belittlement, which leads me to my next point…
- Where is your self-respect? Just because he insists on topping doesn’t mean you should be getting screwed. Granted, your boyfriend may have sincere apprehensions about sex, though one would hope that after four years he’d be comfortable discussing this with you openly, but he is unjustified in trivializing your need to get past 3rd base. Don’t put up with someone who insults you.
- Though Dr. Queerlove is the first person to espouse the values of monogamously fluid relationships, that is something both partners have to walk into. If you’d be hurt knowing your boyfriend was unfaithful, then my suggestion is keep it in your pants. But you have to acknowledge what a huge sign this is. Let’s take work as an example. When everything is perfect at work you don’t job search. When someone pops up out of the blue with a job offer, you think to yourself “I’ve got it way too good here” and you stay put. Your relationship should work the same.
When something is wrong in your relationship you have to fix it, but your man doesn’t want to. He seems fine compromising your happiness and satisfaction. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want those things for you?
Want to ask Dr.Queerlove for advice? Email your questions to Queerlove@manhunt.net.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in botany. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
Monogamous closed relationship? WTF is that? I dont know any gay man who is into that. Its sad that men cant keep it in their pants & I always laugh at queens posting ads on manhunt, My bf and I looking for other hot guys… & bitch you want me to Vote Yes on gay marriage?! That’s silly to me. “Marriage” should be between 1 on 1 only, not the world in your bed. And yes those straight couples who swing with others should have their Marriage card taken away as well. That’s my vote =)
Seems like all of these suggestions involve bottling the emotions and not letting the significant other know of them. Kinda a bicci move if you ask me!
How about talking about these problems with him, emphasizing the fact that this is a very important matter, and that the relationship could hinge on how the two of you react? Make sure he knows that if he doesn’t want to lose you, then he better clean out his ears and prepare for a mature, two-sided discussion.
i can understand youre bf.
i don’t find anal for me fun at all.
sorry dudes,
but god made that part of the body
‘exit only’
that’s some good advice, if i was in the situation idk if i could stay in the relationship, I need sex and I need it often, and not oral all time
LOL, darius, exit only, I’m assuming your gay, and to make that statement, shame on you, only coseted straight men make that statment. draw your own conclusions
I might be in love with Dr. Queerlove, does that mean he will help me too??
I agree with two of the posts here. I’m gay and don’t understand why fags can’t accept domestic partnerships instead of marriage as a path to happiness.
Marriage? Anal sex? Are both truly necessary to be happy?
I too prefer oral to anal any day!
Yeah John, I’m gay but I didn’t write that comment. Plus, I’m a top so I totally understand anyway.
Not every gay man is versatile.
BARRING any instances of infidelity, not “Borrowing”.
What a crock!!! I cant beleive someone would ever beleive advice like this. Why not have a monogamous relationship and not have anal sex? What is wrong with that? BOth myself and my partner of 4 years are perfectly happy being both tops and monogamous. YES, sex is important to us, but so is the emotional connection that we have with each other.
Plus, how dare anyone compare this persons’ “Celibacy” to genocide. I am pretty sure that there are better things in life that people should be worrying about. If you are not happy, leave. If you think you can work it out, do it. TA DA. I guess I can call myself a doctor too.
“Borrowing any instances of infidelity”… did you mean “Barring”?
An advice columnist who can’t write hardly inspires confidence. Not surprised you’re not a doctor.
Still, your advice is pretty much on target, much more so that the dude this blog replaced. Blue needs to talk this out with his bf and then most likely break it off.
Darius, I don’t see what you mean. It sounds to me like Doc is advising communication and honestly, not the bottling of whatever.
oceanfit, that is all well and good – if you are honest and upfront about it at the beginning of a relationship. Blue’s bf obviously was NOT, which is not fair to Blue or anyone like him who DOES enjoy anal sex( honestly, it’s pretty awesome. I am inclined to think anyone who doesn’t like it either hasn’t given it a fair shot, or had bad partners causing a bad experience – in any case if you REALLY can’t deal with it, you owe it to guys to tell them BEFORE dating).
MakeShiftDoctor, he didn’t compare them. he said those things were in another league. And as for you and your bf, I am guessing you discussed about the issue early on, and decided you were O.K. with it. Blue was suckered into a relationship by a guy who didn’t own up to the problem and STILL won’t discuss it.
i would like a monogamous relationship… it just isn’t easy though.
This is such a recurring problem! why can’t guys just be open to try new things for the sake of the relationship!Rimming, nipples licking! So much you can try! Don’t refuse to try anal guys! you already like dick! whats the big deal!
I disagree with u “anal haters” anal is so hot fulfilling and delicious! of course it involves the cleaning part on behalf of the guy getting penetrated, but its all part of the fun!
Surprise your partner by trying something new and if ur not in a monogamous relationship be open to try new things w ur next “hookup buddy”! Using protection and being safe at all times of course!
KUDOS FOR ANAL LOL!
I had a boyfriend once who had no feeling in his penis due to a botched surgery when he was a teenager, but he could still get hard. He couldn’t feel orgasms, but he could ejaculate. It was really frustrating initially for me to not be able to make him feel good, and it was also frustrating for him that he couldn’t top me properly.
But despite that barrier, we worked together and communicated about what worked and what didn’t, and after a few months in we were both very satisfied with where we were in our bedroom.
A relationship is about relating to each other, not alienating each other.
E-man, The good doc never once suggests talking. He touches on the fact that the boyfriend doesn’t want to talk, and uses that as a reason for taking a step back and looking at the relationship, but never comes out and says ‘talk to him.’ He’s pretty much saying ‘well since he’s not gonna talk you might as well give up on that front.’
He’s already made his mind up on the boyfriend, painting him as an uncaring a**hole, without even trying to delve into the reasons why someone would act the way he has.
I guess we read it differently – I saw “don’t put up with that” as urging him to talk back insistently, not simply walk away.
It’s worth noting that Blue’s boyfriend is already dismissive of attempts to discuss it, though – so saying “talk to him about it” cannot be the whole of the advice given to someone in that situation.
And for my money, anyone who would refuse to talk honestly and openly about his reasons for putting limits on sex and his own vs. his partner’s needs IS an asshole, and if not uncaring then at least self-centered.
This is HORRIBLE advice. This guy should be banned from giving anyone any suggestions on their relationships!
A.C., if you think it’s such horrible advice, what would you suggest?
I think this is great advice, and I agree with E-man. According to Blue, he’s tried talking about it and boyfriend is being a jerk. He’s a total a-hole!
Not that he shouldn’t try talking again before he calls the whole thing quits, but it doesn’t seem likely to get better results now than before unless he makes it an ultimatum. So yes, communicate, ALWAYS communicate, be be prepared to accept that may not be enough.
Yes, you have a decision to make…please do not make the mistake of stepping out on him…you will regret it on many levels…and if you think you have communication problems now…wait until you stick your dick into someone else.
It never ceases to amaze me the amount of gay men who have anal hang ups…there are so many nerve endings in the rectal area and so much pleasure is available in that area I can’t imagine not taking advantage of it.
You have to decide if you love him enough to live with his selfish attitude about your sexual needs.
I would sit him down and explain to him exactly how important this type of sex is to you, try to find out what his hang ups are…does he find it dirty (teach him how to clean up thoroughly), is he afraid (assure him you will help him through the discomfort)…then be willing to give yourself freely to him…let him see the pleasure that you receive from anal attention and start with him very slowly. Realizing that rimming and a little fingering may have to be enough for a while (buy the tiniest dildo or buttplug you can find).
If that doesn’t get the ball rolling, then you do have to make the decision…is your relationship enough…the longer you wait the more difficult it is…but you are obviously going to have to be the understanding person in this situation.
Good luck… and keep it zipped!
Sounds like you’re not compatible sexually. You like anal, he doesn’t. There are people equally suited for each of you.
Move on…you’ll both be happier.