Don’t Do This: A Guide On How Not To Be An Asshole

56 thoughts on “Don’t Do This: A Guide On How Not To Be An Asshole”

1. I wrote a blog on this exact thing a few months back. It irked me that people hide their racism behind ‘Preference’

2. Omgsh I love this post… funny and so completely true.

3. Whenever someone writes “preference” followed by “sorry” it means racism…if not..why say sorry? How can you dismiss an entire group/nation/culture of people as not your type…without having seen them first.That is the definition of racism.

4. I actually appreciate when I know in advance that I am going to be rejected or excluded. Saves time sifting through the garbage!

5. The “no blacks or asians” nonsense makes me fucking want to scream. I and amazed at some of the things guys write in their profiles that make them sound like total assholes. If you only want someone who looks like who why not say “looking for similar.” Most of us would be able to figure what you are looking for and you dont sound like a total ass!

6. There is a difference between sexual preference and racism or other anti-social attitudes. Some people are just not turned on by certain looks, be it related to weight, muscle, body hair, age, tattoos, degree of masculinity, disability, or race. I shouldn’t have to apologize for having such preferences any more than I should be apologizing to women because I don’t find them sexually attractive. It is all the same – a matter of sexuality.

   That said, one’s delivery of such preferences is what can determine whether or not they are offensive. Obviously saying something like “No fats, fems, olds, and only white guys” is not cool, but I wouldn’t fault someone for being upfront and honest about their preferences in a polite way.

7. I’m going to have to call bullshit on that one.

   It’s being an asshole to let people know what you’re looking for? Seems to me that you’d be a bigger asshole if you waste people’s time by giving them the impression that you’re going to hook up with them when there’s no way it’s going to happen.

   You’re a racist if you don’t want to sleep with someone from “x” race? You’re not interested in twinks (preferring men old enough to have learned how to fuck), so you’re an ageist of some sort? You prefer men with good hygiene, so you’re swine-phobic? You don’t like to get fucked, so you obviously have some sort of hatred against tops. You prefer hard cock, so you suffer from the sin of being anti-impotent. You’re neg and want to stay that way….how dare you be anti-poz! Maybe I don’t want to fuck….that makes me anti-gay, since I’m not fucking anyone.

   Note the reductio ad absurdum.

8. There’s also a big difference between a statement of fact (“Sexually, I tend to be attracted mostly to masculine caucasian guys who are more muscular than average”) and proposing a bar to contact (“No blacks/fats/femmes”). The former makes it clear that’s your sexual type only – the latter suggests that anyone who’s black, overweight or not “butch” is someone you’d never even have contact with.

9. Call bullshit all you want. But deciding that someone is categorically unacceptable as a sex partner because of his race is pretty much the definition of racist.

   Your other levels in the reductio argument you make are by no means equivalent. All men age, meaning that someone who’s too young now might not be in a few years. Men who might sometimes smell from hard labor CAN take a shower. Top/bottom are about WHAT you do, not WHO you do, so that’s just a stupid comparison. Likewise the impotence issue: that’s about what someone can DO, not WHO he is. And while it’s certainly reasonable for an HIV-negative person to want to stay that way, there are polite ways to state and achieve that (“safer sex only, please”) and rude ones (“I’m clean, UB2”).

10. My personal favorites: “looking for ‘normal’ & “STR8 acting” Oh Mary please! WTF is “normal?” And if you’re acting straight what happens if you drop your guard? Do you just come undone and turn into a flaming drag queen?

    Guys… these profiles are really not about the other guy they are all about the guy who wrote them. Self-loathing, unaware, babies. For the rest… if you’re that damn specific just hire a hooker.

    Peace

11. Maybe being overtly racist is a ploy to appeal to other overtly racists because that’s their fetish….?

12. Ya killing me!! HAHA!! I always want to ask the “seeking STR*acting” folks how “straight” is sucking another dude’s dick? Bravo to your point of these types of profiles being self-loathing..very sad.

13. MY LORD I LOVE YOU FOR THIS POST!!

14. I can see both sides. I always say that a ___________ man won’t suffer from not having sex with me. But we should all think about where our “preferences” are coming from.

15. Good Post!!! For those who are saying these dating profiles are just pointing out their preferences, you are wrong.

    Rather than writing those hurtful stuff, you can block or filter the people that can message you.Some dating sites do have features where you do that. You know what would be something more sensitive thing to do, just dont accept those friend requests.

    You see, there are better and more sensitive way to act in this situation rather than writing racially discriminating stuff on your profile

16. First off this whole post bothers me. You can call someone racist if you want but there is such a thing as preference. It does exist. As others have pointed out, how you say it makes all the difference. However, I am sure several of you are going to go around saying even if you say it nicely, you are still being a racist. What blows my mind is the fact that on sites like Manhunt, which is statistically known as a hook up site no matter what it may or may not be used for, you will potentially be called a racist, agecist, etc etc. for stating what does and does not get your rocks off. I have never been attracted sexually to most black, latino or asian men. I have numerous Black, Latino and Asian friends though from various walks of life and have no apprehension about approaching and interacting with them. Am I still a racist even though I hang out with them and just don’t find them sexually appealing? You guys are basically jumping to conclusions by saying if someone has a sexual preference about what turns them on, it must automatically make them racist. Also, for the most part, everyone has an exception to their rules. People may write the “no _____, ______, or ______s” but at some point, one of them will probably catch that person’s eye and they may strike up a conversation and hit it off. I can say without a doubt all of you people who are telling everyone else their preferences are racism have turned down someone for a date or sexual encounter because they didn’t fit your type, which means for one reason or another you must be a -cist of some kind based on the logic you provide.

    Consider this, I doubt most people who are writing their preferences for all white, furry daddies or only black hood thugs would walk around in public shunning people or not talking to them. Its a hook up and dating site, preferences exist, not everyone is racist if they have a true preference. Not saying some of them aren’t but a blanket statement of anyone who marks down that they have a preference for whatever floats their boat is a -cist of some kind is about as ignorant as it gets.

17. Amen – I especially am offended by the “DDF, Clean, UB2ers.” It’s as if safe sex doesn’t exist. I think it may be why a lot of folks are not up front about their status. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that’s a good thing. I would never not be up front about my status, but it sure does limit my choices!

18. if I could like your post, I would.

19. Or nobody over 30 (when your 40)

20. Preach. I’m about as rude, blunt, and negative as they come but I always put what I’m looking for, not what I’m not looking for. No need to ostracize people.

21. Exactly. I have a preference to the type of guy I want to hook up with. I’m a little more open to the type of guy that I would date. Though I don’t list those that aren’t my type, I’ll reply to someone that messages me with “sorry, not my type.” If they want to make it a racial thing, then they can be the racists.

22. The (white) majority maintains its power through stereotyping/subjugating (racial) minorities. Individuality and agency are for the privileged. This racism works on the flip side – “blacks to the front of the line.” Stereotyping an entire racial group as sexual beings for YOUR consumption. I repeat, individuality for the privileged. Racism is not dead. It’s been institutionalized.

23. I would never turn down a black guy based just on the fact he’s black. It’s as with any other race. A person by person basis. For example, I think Usher, Taye Diggs, Blair Underwood, Bryan White, & Idris Elba are sexy black men. However, for me Jay Z, Lamar Odom, Shaq, & Sean Combs are not. It’s nothing to do with color of skin. However I have still been called a racist because I said a certain black guy wasn’t hot to me. Even though I have a list of ones that are. There are white guys I don’t find hot either. Does that mean I hate my own race? No, it’s just the old adage of you can’t please everyone. As for the fem thing. It’s a very small path with me. Almost every fem guy I’ve met I have almost nothing in common with. We have different taste in music, TV, books, movies, etc. Plus it’s always a drama fest. If I wanted drama I would hang around my family more. I think I’ve met one or two I get along with. It’s not the way they act, it’s compatibility that is almost never there.

24. What’s the significance of the top photo (the guy on the cell phone eating the burger)? How does it illustrate this post? Just curious.

25. I like white men, then I came to the US for holiday and the black and Latin men are so hot, totally hot!

26. after reading these posts it is clear that pretty much everyone in here has absolutely NO CLUE what the definition of racism is so I will post it:

    “a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.”
    So because someone is “not sexually” attracted to a particular race is hardly racist. And by posting that they are not attracted to a particular race on a SEX SITE is hardly racist. Why waste someone’s time by letting them now right from the start that it ain’t gonna happen? Because I don’t want to have sex with whites, blacks, Asian, fems, daddies, etc…DOES NOT imply I am better than them or wont be friends with them. I am not posting on findmeafriend.com… (again) I am posting on a sex hookup site.
    Its about as stupid as how people have taken the old saying “Clean bill of health” that a doctor always gave you and turned it into something perceived as negative. AT NO TIME does it imply the someone poz is “DIRTY”!!! Doctors have never said you have a “dirty bill of health” so get over it and stop playing the fck’n victim all the time.
    And at the end of the day – its the person that reads someone’s post that decides how to interpret it NOT the writer.

27. I have decided not to do anything sexualy with gay men…. it is a choice that works for me…. I laugh when I see everyone getting worked up over this issue of race. As a Black man I accepted the fact that 99% of gay men are not attracted to me. you can’t force someone to find you attracted. Keeping myself out of the gay sex bullshit has really open my eyes to the fact that people who have been discriminated against turn around and do the same thing to someone else. It is all bullshit
    P.S. Every Black person that I know who is very attracted male and female have had all
    races of people throwing themselves at them…One of my Black male friends simply told me one day i have been with every race and he seemed to be very happy.

28. I find the use of term “rice” rather offensive in general and it just comes off worse when listed in “No _, _, _.” Don’t define a race by a food product. Ugh.

29. It’s fine for someone to state their preference. However, just because you have the “right” to do something, doesn’t mean that it’s a wise move. Because it’s also fine for people to assume that that person is an opinionated, judgmental a-hole. Peppering your profile with an undercurrent of nastiness isn’t going to help land you a quality guy.

30. This post is such horse shit.

    1. It’s a dating site. You’re supposed to say what you’re looking for. God forbid people have their own tastes. If you don’t like a type, you’re gonna screen it out anyway, so why not save everyone some time and be honest?

    2. American culture is already too damn politically-sensitive, and one of the few upsides of being gay is that, since we’re already pariahs for the whole buttsex thing, we can make our own rules. Why in god’s name would you want to adopt one of the worst traits of mainstream culture?

    3. I respect a guy who has strong, clear preferences in his profile, even if they don’t fit me. It means he’s a man who knows he has the value to be selective, not some pussy terrified of offending someone’s over-sensitive feelings.

31. I somewhat agree. However, don’t you see a big difference between stating what you want, versus stating what you don’t want? Tact is something that’s useful around the globe, not just in America. Spot the difference between “looking for an athletic physique, fair skinned, clean cut…” versus the a-hole approach of “no fats, blacks or bears…”

    And sorry, I don’t agree that you can make your own rules just because you’re gay. Rude behavior makes you a jerk if you’re straight, and it makes you a jerk if you are gay. There are a lot of loud and embarrassing gays who think the same way you do.

32. I somewhat agree. However, don’t you see a big difference between stating what you want, versus stating what you don’t want? Tact is something that’s useful around the globe, not just in America. Spot the difference between “looking for an athletic physique, fair skinned, clean cut…” versus the a-hole approach of “no fats, blacks or bears…”

    And sorry, I don’t agree that you can make your own rules just because you’re gay. Rude behavior makes you a jerk if you’re straight, and it makes you a jerk if you are gay. There are a lot of loud and embarrassing gays who think the same way you do.

33. Was wondering that also.

34. amen dude

35. it looks like someone was stereotyping the racist asshole white guy who would have “no asians/blacks/latinos” on his profile… reverse racism is still racism

36. Fuck the bitter cunt who wrote this! WE all have types, what the fuck is wrong with that? These apps and sites are HOOKUP sites, not let’ssitdownandhaveteaandtalkaboutourmenopause sites! Ppl put that shit in their profiles to save time, not to hurt your delicate feelings! Sheesh!

37. well, you def make a good point.

38. Do you think that MH is tacitly encouraging racism by offering a choice of ethnicity when doing a search? It is like saying you shouldn’t be racist when your words are public, but it is okay when you choose 1 or more ethnicities and don’t choose others. It seems to me that MH is sort of saying, Look here, we provided a means for you to express your racism without anyone needing to know. I am sure there is another side to this, but I have to wonder.

39. Like another guy here mentioned, I talk about what I like, not what I don’t like. It’s like when you ask someone when’s a good time to meet. I’m not interested in all the times that are bad to meet — for any of us the vast majority of times aren’t convenient. It’s not helpful to talk about them. Say what you want and when you can meet, not what you don’t like and when you can’t meet.

40. Personally, I appreciate laundry lists of preferences. Easier to filter the less desirables from the potential hooks.

    The problem is gays are too delicate and fragile while suffering from illusions of grandeur about themselves. When they see “preferences” or the responses they get do not mirror back how great and wonderful the reader thinks he is, all of the sudden egos are destroyed, temper tantrums are thrown, and suddenly everyone is a bigot, racist, judgmental, shallow, etc. etc. etc.

    The doctor’s diagnosis is valid: You have a major case of being a bitch and need to be prescribed a massive dose of man the fuck up.

    After all, if you’re online, chances are very high you’re looking for sex, not someone who is husband material.

41. I’m ‘mixed’ half irish/indonesian and live in the mid-atlantic region, here I’ve never had an issue with my racial mix, I visited Phoenix twice for 5k’s, and the first question guys would ask was “what type of mix?” or “please don’t be taco mix” after responding to one guy he answered back “well too bad obviously you would’ve been a perfectly good potato unfortunately you came out a stir-fried awful mix” …. i did giggle at the absurdity of his response but also made me aware that my being mixed was an issue for other gays…

42. I love this post! Not only do people “hide” their racism. But, they act as if you have to choose a man or a woman. I like eating pussy and sucking cock! I just prefer vaginal sex and live a “straight” lifestyle. Isn’t it just as bad to make somebody feel like shit because they are bi as it is to down them for being gay? Almost everybody is bi to a certain extent. Stop being biased like all those “straight” people!

43. I thought nobody would write a comment like this, and I was about to write one myself. Like yourself, I don’t normally find black or Asian guys sexually attractive (Still, I had a big crush on a Japanese friend of mine). I don’t always find Hispanic guys attractive, even though I am Hispanic (Still, the first guy I kissed, as well as my current boyfriend are Latinos). I have a weak spot for white guys (probably dating back to when I was 8 and had my first boy crush on a cute white, blond guy from the neighborhood), but that does not mean that I find any white guy attractive, or that white guys are the only ones I am attracted to. I prefer guys who are around my age (still, one of the biggest crushes I’ve ever had, and the first guy I kissed were 13 and 10 years older than me respectively). I am more attracted to masculine guys (still, my boyfriend is slightly effeminate and could not hide the fact that he’s guy even if he wanted). I am 100% versatile and like well endowed guys (still, my boyfriend is a bottom and his dick is noticeably smaller than mine).

    I do have preferences, but if I lived up to those preferences I would still be a virgin who’d never kissed anyone, I would not know what it meas to have a crush on someone and I would not have a boyfriend right now. If all I am looking for were casual sex, why is it so bad to state what my preferences are? I do believe that one can state one’s preferences without being obnoxious and offensive. Saying things like “no blacks, fats, old or femms” is definitely unacceptable, but just because I prefer a certain type(s) of guys does not mean that I am racist or any other kind of ()-cist,

    … I guess in my attempt at a reply I ended up writing a full-length comment… lol

44. Not wanting to have sex with someone does not make you a racist……

45. Why does everyone believe that when a person politely says what their preference’s are is a bigot or racist. Why can’t it just be a way of saying don’t waste your time or mine, people today are way to sensative, time to butch up alittle and stop drinking the kool-aid the government and the media shoves down our throats. I mean really isn’t that why Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors and I phones now have mulitple colors.

46. i am black and i agree.

47. I have friends that are “out there-on fire gays” and I love them to death,we share everything but I would never have sex with them, not my type. They know it-I know it-its been that way for 15 yrs.but a normal, str8 acting guy who likes Led Zepplin and is not a Total queen and doesn’t want to “gay Marry”-that’s my type. Sorry guys, do I get thrown out of the club!!

48. And that’s fine that you have friends who you love, but aren’t attracted to because they’re not your type. Noone is saying there’s anything wrong with that. However, the post was about the rude and often racist way people say “you’re not my type” so there’s no “club” you’re being thrown out of…I do still stand by my assertion that the whole “normal, str8 acting guy” is a load of crap. It implies that those gays who don’t call themselves “str8 acting” are not “normal”..and lets not even go there with the word “normal”. There isn’t some master pattern maker that created the various label folks wish to put on themselves. I’m 44 and have been out since I was 17, and you’d be surprised how many “gay Marry” types love Led Zeppelin and how many “normal Str8s” can bust out with Judy Garland…

49. People would talk to me even though their profile says no “blacks” or” only into Latin and white” even though I am black and not Latin. I am half African- American and half Navajo but most people think I’m of Latin descent.

50. do you still hook up with the “no blacks”ers or the “white or latin(o) only”ers, mister hargrove?

51. Nope because It personally bothered me. People say I don’t look it but I am black. Was always privy to racist talk by Hispanics or other races that talked about black people because of how I looked. Sometimes I’ve even had white people call me racial slurs that pertain to Hispanics.

52. you find yourself in a strange limbo of sorts, i suppose.

    a position, simultaneously cursed and blessed, all based on your looks.

    i may propose that you write up something about your experiences … have you been following the activities of the readership manhunt daily for a while?
    or do you already happen to have an idea of how things generally go around these parts (in reference to the readership)?

53. so true… and i want to add to it in regards to the hyper masculinity obsession these days is that that desiring masculinity is a feminine trait … IMO!

54. i love daddies tho. they just get me off so quickly and so much more then say a guy my age

55. wow sorry to chime in on this so late but I am glad I found this
    people can like what they like i will ask how did you come to line of thinking whites or black only because to me on one hand it sound funny …ok more like a fetish and the person is not really valuing the person there with just as long the color is right …never mind the person could very well have bodies in the basement his color is the only thing that matters…its a funny kinda sad.
    Body types is a funny thing while I like one thing that does not its set in stone most times its the ego behind them that turn me off “I have chest hair” so you serve me…my reply even big men end up on the back of milk cartons
    twinks are no better “oh look at me I am so thin I can have anyone I want in this room”
    my reply “ok see ya”
    so at least for me its the person if they get wrap in one race is better than another then yeah I just gonna bounce I don’t need that in my life but its sad to see race played out here but we are all lol human so…no perfect but that does not mean I have to let other people short sightedness hamper my life

56. You should hear yourself. whining about what someone else is writing. For God’s sake, it’s not T-Ball, you don’t get a fucking trophy just for having a pulse. If you’re annoyed or offended close the profile. You’d be better off focusing on growing a pair and toughening up. Just because someone isn’t attracted to whatever attribute you might be doesn’t mean they’re racist. it means they’re not attracted.

    Those who through out the “racism” card and the biggest bunch of losers, if you don’t like tomatoes on your hamburger does that make you racist. If you don’t like black coffee does that – no it’s called a preference. stop trying to find how you’re a victim in everything and start living life. there’s assholes everywhere, and it’s not your purpose to change them. just move on.

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