Dr. Queerlove,
My boyfriend and I have a good, healthy sex life but he likes playing with toys. He's got a few dildos and butt plugs and wants to buy some new stuff. I don't like toys. I've never used them. I think it’s weird. Why would you want a dildo when you have a man to have sex with? I’ve also noticed that he uses them when he masturbates and I hate that. I don’t like that I’m being substituted by some piece of rubber. Thankfully he’s stopped trying to get me to use them when we mess around, but how do I get him to cut back on the toy play all together?
Tom Harry
For Dr. Queerlove's advice and some NSFW links, follow the JUMP:
I must be honest, Tom. I personally don’t get people who don’t enjoy playing with toys. Dr. Q is a Toys-Я-Hot man! But they’re not a substitution for sex. Heterosexuals constantly joke that men are being made obsolete by vibrators and artificial insemination; but that will never happen. No toy–no matter the number of 9-volt batteries–can replace the sensation of a man embracing you, his body writhing against yours, as he uses that most amazing of body organs to invade your tender orifices. Your boyfriend is using those toys because, as is the nature of a toy, they're fun! It is an added sensation. I think you should join him!
Music, candles, whipped cream… these are all enhancers to the sexual experience. Toys work exactly the same way. They just go somewhere whipped cream can't …or maybe it can, but I've never tried that. Talk with him about starting with a few simple toys and respecting your limits (which he seems to do). I guarantee that if you open your mind and give them a try you might enjoy the variety a toy can add to your sex life.
Toys are also a great tool for self-exploration. I believe everyone (gay men, trannies, straight women, etc.) should spend time getting to know their bodies; what does and doesn’t turn them on. Using toys during sex and masturbation is a great way to do this. Don’t assume those “deviant acts of kinkiness” won’t do it for you. Start small, be safe and give it a shot! You’re probably missing out on a lot of sexual pleasure by letting your inhibitions hold you back.
Listen up boys! Dr. Q prescribes that every gay man have an arsenal of at least two sex toys, which can spice up your sex life and your nights alone at home. These are my starter suggestions:
The Basics
A Cock Ring – Though it may not “do” much, a plain steel or leather band cock ring can make a huge difference in the sack; helping you maintain a strong, hard erection for longer. A simple cock ring can also be very sexy bling. If you’re starting out, avoid the more “unique” selections. You may want to work up to those.
A Dildo – I recommend a 6 to 10 incher, or a double-sided (you never know who may want to join you). Some will say "Dr. Queerlove, I'm a top. Why the hell would I want a dildo?" Firstly, because we all know you're not as exclusively top as you claim to be. Secondly, when using it on someone, a dildo allows greater control and can help get your bottom loosened up before you give them a good pounding. Lastly, I believe a man who is genuinely comfortable in their own body and sexuality should give anal pleasures a try. I’m not saying we should all be power bottoms; but some people have serious aversions to submissive anal play and they need to get over it. Say what you wish (and I know many of you will), these inhibitions are linked to mental blocks. Preferences are fine. “Exclusive” anythings have issues.
The Higher End
The Fleshlight – In the good doctor’s humble opinion, this is the best masturbator out there (FYI: a masturbator is a sleeve-like device you stick your junk in to get a tingly sensation when you jack it). The Fleshlight is surprisingly bulky and the sleeve feels a little weird when you first touch it, but once you lube up your boy (water-based lube only!) and start working it, none of that matters. I recommend the Vortex Sleeve with the Mouth opening.
The Rude Boy – Women have vibrators to hit that spot, why can’t men? The Rude-Boy, as well as The Bad-Boy & Naughty-Boy, is a Double P Spot stimulator, meaning it massages the prostate and the perineum. It’s common knowledge that the prostate is the male g-spot, but the perineum (the spot between your family jewels and your sphincter) is another highly sensitive area. Slip in this bad boy (no pun intended), turn it on and just sit there. Some people have claimed to reach orgasm without even touching themselves.
Thanks for reading, kiddies. If you need help with you mo woes, email Queerlove@manhunt.net.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in renaissance literature. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
Dr. Queerlove, I totally agree when you say “Exclusive” anythings have issues. Just like, here on manhunt, people who put several lines about how “masculine” they are in their profile. That to me just screams that you have issues with your sexuality and are still hung up on some preconceived notion of how a man “should” act like. I believe people who make a big deal about being top only face similar issues about themselves, and these issues are reflected in the poor ways they act in relationships.
Sorry, but I think a more appropriate piece of advice would be “You’re obviously not compatible with this guy; he needs to be with someone who likes toys and you need to be with someone who doesn’t. Life’s too short; DTMFA.”
Total tops or total bottoms are nuts. One hundred percent versatile dudes have the best sex. They obviously make the best tops due to their deep seeded (good, huh?) knowledge of what a bottom needs from a top. I was total top for my first 3 “gay years” and totally vers my last 3… I’d never go back to total anything
I hardly agree with this. Toys are not “added” sensation. That’s what the other guy is for! If, all of a sudden, my boyfriend decided: “oh hey, your dick is great, but this purple one feels better in me”, I’d be pretty offended.
Voice your feelings to your partner. Every feeling those toys give him, you can give him as well. Don’t let a dildo become your competition.
Doc: whipPED cream. Not “whip cream”. It is not cream made of, or exclusively for use on, whips. It is cream which has been whipped, in the culinary sense.
Also, Tom Harry, you are a dick( sorry, had to). Doc, while you have some valid points about trying things and losing inhibitions, you failed to adequately address the man’s relationship issue. Wayne, and Justin, your advice is just full of shit. And NECB/dave, you guys are sounding awfully judgmental for people advocating openness. Also, dave, your pun is nice but would be better spoken so that the seated/seeded replacement was less blatant.
To cut to the heart of the matter: TH needs to just get over it. How fucking insecure do you( and Justin) have to be if you feel replaced by a plastic or rubber accessory?
If he enjoys it, you have no good reason to have banned them from your play time together. If you really care about him and your sex life is as “healthy” as you claim, one would expect you to be more concerned with your partner’s pleasure than with the ego issues that make you view a manufactured artificial stimulator with no capacity for emotion as competition in your relationship. If you DON’t consider his pleasure a high(er) priority( than yours), you are a pretty selfish lover.
In any case you certainly shouldn’t be telling him how( not) to jerk off when he is playing on his own. Unless you want to join in, that is none of your damn business.
As much as I hate Wayne’s trite answer which encourages you to abandon your relationship rather than seek personal growth, your boyfriend definitely deserves a better boyfriend than you are being to him at this time. I suggest you try to be a better one instead of giving up on being one.
And you have a right to not be into certain things, but how can you say that when you admit you have never even TRIED them?
Doc, you need to accept that not every person is into every thing.( Also, while the specialty ones might be, I don’t think standard cock rings qualify as toys if used in a basic manner.) I fully agree that it is foolish not to be open to TRYING things and that as dave says vers guys have more fun and are ultimately better at both roles. But not everyone likes toys. They are interesting, I have at least tried them on several occasions; that said, I would much rather have a man or go without stimulation beyond my own hand(s). HAVING HAD A DECENT AMOUNT OF EXPERIENCE( see how I qualify it like that, TH?), I could gladly go the rest of my life without ever having plastic or rubber up my ass outside of a doctor’s examination. But I would never deny toys to my partner or complain about them unless our sex life with each other was in crisis( and since TH thinks his sex life with the bf is “healthy”, I doubt that is the case).
E-man:
Insecure? I think you miss my meaning.
Let me illustrate with an example:
Let’s say you are a white guy, E-man, but your boyfriend REALLY get’s off to Latino guys. From what you say, you should let your boyfriend go screw a latino because you care so much for his pleasure.
Is the counter intuitiveness apparent?
There is a line to trying new things with your partner. Sex with a dildo, isn’t JUST sex with a dildo. Break it down, you realize if you were as satisfying as you hoped in bed for your boyfriend he wouldn’t WANT a dildo.
So, how I interpret it, it’s a slap in the face.
But to each his own.
I’m only 19 so I guess I just have much to learn.
The joys of psychology and human sexuality, So in my opinion i agree with umm “Dr.” Queerlove (now will be referred to as QL) is correct. Toys are a great way to spice up the sex life. I havent had a lot of sex but it seems like it might get a little repetitive if its the same kinda sex all the time.
It should be like family guy, lots of role playing, toys, foods, and open-ness to each others likes and dislikes.
Now obviously there are gonna be some things that people dont like, but, correct me if im wrong, isnt that one of the joys of being in a relationship? Finding new ways to make your guy…maybe girl idk who reads this…moan in pleasure, having your own guy…again maybe girl…work his/her magic on you so that you transcend into a higher plane of sexual expierence? Or is that just my own sexual desires escapeing from its bottle?
personally, i love toys; but regardless, i think exploring different aspects of the gay experience let’s you grow as a sexual individual.
Love yourself. And if sometimes that means pulling out the china beads to do it, so be it.
Justin, a Latino guy and a dildo have nothing in common – except maybe length and girth. And as much as i love my collection, a sex toy will never replace my boyfriend.
For one thing, even the Fleshjack can’t swirl a tongue around my cock like my Beau can. And no jelly model vibrating cock (no matter how big) can whisper sweet nothings in your ear, or bring you chicken noodle soup when you’re sick, or surprise you with tickets to your favorite band’s concert.
Tom, if you feel your relationship is threatened by a dildo… maybe you should take a second look at E-man and Wayne’s responses.
Doc: good that you fixed the first instance of “whip cream” but there is still one more.
Justin, YOU are missing the point.
As you say, you have a lot to learn, and when you do, it will make you a much better partner to whomever you are with now and in the future. While I am certainly not an expert or a professional, I do have rather a lot of sexual and relationship experience under my belt.
So( even though I am sure I too still have more to learn) let me try to clarify MY meaning, with your example, and some of my own, and TH’s situation:
Leaving aside for the moment that fact that I am white AND Latino, a toy is not the same as another person. My boyfriend is not going to develop an intimate personal and emotional relationship with a toy. He is not going to go on dates with a toy and have long talks about various subjects. It won’t ask him how his day was and console or care for him when he needs it. He is not going to dream of one day marrying it and having a family. He is not going to get STDs from a toy and pass them on to me. And unless something is seriously wrong in our relationship, the time he spends with it is not going to cut into or diminish the time he spends with me.
Adjusting your example, let’s say he is into black guys. O.K.. As long as he doesn’t want to go out and bone a black guy instead of me, that is fine.
Now if he spends all his horny-time riding a dildo replica of a black cock and fucking a masturbator designed to emulate a black booty, instead of having sex with me, we have a problem.( But TH clearly said they have a healthy active sex life, so that is obviously not the case there.)
If, in ADDITION to me fucking him, my guy wants fucked with that dildo, by me( say, after I cum and am no longer hard but while we are still being intimate)? Sure, great, I love to see the pleasure on his face and I am flattered that he wants me to be the one to give him that pleasure, rather than going off and doing it alone to porn of some famous black porn star.
Regarding your earlier assertion that “Every feeling those toys give him, you can give him as well.”, I would have to be pretty damn arrogant or ignorant to believe that I could give my partner everything he wanted, all the time, especially without assistance( mechanical or advice). Relationships like that are exceedingly rare. To say that my body( cock, mouth, ass, the works) must be the exact fulfillment and limit of what my partner finds attractive and enjoys sexually is completely unrealistic in most couples.
To put it in your terms: break it down, you realize that to be as satisfying as you hoped in bed for your boyfriend, you may need to be open to more than just sticking your dick in his holes and letting him do the same.
As long as he can and does feel pleasure from my body and my dick( which is apparently the case with TH’s bf and TH’s dick), I have no problem using tools to give him MORE pleasure, particularly things that are a different shape from my natural equipment, or which have anatomically impossible features like ribbing and swirls and bumps and whatnot. Even unnaturally wide or long ones if he likes that sort of thing; I am a more-than-healthy size but no soda can or 15-inch monster here. If I felt that using such tools made me less of a man or less of a partner, that could ONLY come from selfish male ego issues and serious, potentially pathological, insecurity.
As for not wanting him to masturbate with toys when he is on his own, that’s a crock. I mean, that would be like expecting your boyfriend to either not jerk off or only fantasize about you when he does, right?
…
…you… you DON’T expect that from your boyfriend, do you? Because if you do, honey, I have some bad news. Sure, he will fantasize about you and some of the hot times you have had( and will have) together. But he is also going to fantasize about hot times with his ex(es), and what it would be like with this porn star, and that movie star, and the oh-so-yummy barista who serves him at Starbucks every morning. And that is a perfectly normal, healthy, human thing for most people. As long as he doesn’t ACT on the fantasies concerning other people, it is no cause for alarm.
So it’s not really a case of “your dick is great, but this purple one feels better in me”; and as long as it doesn’t lead to “I think I’m going to give up your dick and stick with the purple one”, it really should not be an issue.
Instead, it’s more like “Your dick feels great, hey, and so does this purple one – can you pleasure me with both? And later I will help YOU out using my dick and the purple one and my ass and the Fleshlight® or whatever else you would like to try.”. If you find that threatening or offensive, you have a MAJOR insecurity problem, as I was originally driving at, and you* should enter heavy therapy to work on your ego and self-esteem issues, and possibly couples therapy to try and root out the deep-seated mistrust that usually goes along with such insecurity in a relationship.( Same goes for feeling threatened by him fantasizing about others when he jerks off.)
* Not you Justin, you are young and still have plenty of time to mature and learn to be confident and comfortable with yourself and your partners.
Josh, you have more or less nailed the idea of what psychologically healthy sex with a loved and trusted partner is all about( although I would generally hesitate at using the Griffins as role models for anything). Maybe YOU should counsel TH and Justin on how to cope with their hang-ups.
raven, I mostly like what you have to say but I do have to object to you classifying using toys or being penetrated as part of “the gay experience”. Some gay men are perfectly happy leading rather vanilla sex live, and str8 people can certainly find enjoyment with these same toys and techniques, too.
Awww you make me blush thanx e-man
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