Hey Dr. Queerlove,
I'm a young guy, (22) recent graduate. I work out and have a nice body. Told I'm cute. So, why can't I find a guy?
When I was in school it was easy. Now I'm in a bigger city and it’s surprisingly hard. I can get a number, but if I call or text there is no response, or maybe some conversation then I never hear from the guy again. I'm told I can be a little aggressive but I feel if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to go up to guys in the first place.
How do I approach a guy and keep him interested beyond a one night stand? I know I'm only 22, but a lot of my straight college friends are getting married or have been in long term relationships. I'm tired of hook-ups. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Looking for Love in Detroit
For Doctor Queerlove's advice, follow the JUMP:
LLD,
When people actively look for a relationship, I have noticed that they rarely find what they seek. Primarily for two reasons. First, wanting a boyfriend so ardently clouds your judgment. People who obsess about romantic involvement (always wonder why they’re single, notice people who are not, ask what’s wrong with themselves, etc.) tend to either be too picky and end up missing a number of opportunities for good dating, or they aren’t discriminating enough and put up with a beeper salesman that lives with his mother because “there’s something about him.” Secondly, when people are on the hunt for an LTR, any sign of a relationship makes them jump three, five or thirty steps ahead. This, inevitably, will scare some guys away.
Unfortunately, the best way to get into a serious relationship is to not look for it, and let it happen organically (no pun intended). Your mental state is imperative. Don’t look for a long term relationship. Look for a few casual dates. And they are different. One is the cart, the other is the horse. When your mind is in relationship seeking mode you set expectations for the situation. You judge a date on whether you can see yourself with this guy, as opposed to if you want to catch a movie next week. Dating is casual and inconsequential; setting little to no expectation. “Can I sit through another meal with this guy?” “Is he interesting to talk to?” Not “Will my friends like him?” “I wonder where he wants to live in 5 years?”
Furthermore—and to me this is the biggest thing—when someone tells me they really want a long-term relationship, what I hear is “I am not happy with myself.” It has been my experience that people who seek a partner, versus those who get into relationships because they just happen, are looking for someone to love them. Which means they don’t love themselves enough (didn’t know the Doctor was so touchy-feely, did ya?). If you need a relationship to make you feel like your life is complete, then you are in need of something far more valuable than a boyfriend.
And, you’re only 22! I hear you acknowledge your youth and respect your mature desire for partnership, but—and listen to me on this—your twenties are not the time to bog yourself down in a long-term relationship. Your straight friends who are getting married are, unfortunately, incredibly likely to get divorced. That’s just a fact. And the heterosexual culture in the South and Mid-west fosters an outdated 1950’s sentiment that encourages marriage at an early age.
Without trying to be condescending, in your early twenties you have no idea who you will be (trust me! Lord knows I thought I did). You grow exponentially over the next 10 years. The person you are now will be nothing like the person you will be in 7, or even 3 years. You cannot say you want to spend the rest of your life with someone when neither of you really know what your life will be.
This will one day hit your married friends and they’ll realize they spent their youth playing house. I would rather marry the love of my life when I’m 40, than marry someone who I really think will be the love of my life when I’m 25, only to be single and start dating all over again when I’m 45. There’s nothing wrong with dating in your 40’s, but it is easier to date in your twenties. And, if you have found the love of your life at 25, then they’ll be there when you’re 35. Marry them then.
In regards to meeting good men, it’s not likely to happen at a bar or nightclub. You want men of substance, then do substantial things. Join a sports group, book club, volunteer organization, etc. Have friends introduce you to people. Say hello to someone at the bookstore or café. Not to say quality men don’t go to bars, but picking someone up at a bar has an intrinsic one-night-stand feel. It’s just the truth. And if you do meet someone at a bar, don’t go home with them!
Also, stop being aggressive. Be assertive. There’s a difference between being confident and casual and being overwhelming and tenacious. Know when to gracefully step away, and don’t let failed attempts get to you (which I know is easier said than done). The fact that you dote on men not calling you back tells me you invest too much too early.
To wrap up this dissertation, my advice to you is “be single.” Stop looking. For six months don’t date, hook up, grab drinks, phone sex, cuddle – whatever. You need to learn to be happy alone; which means not longing or desiring something, but reaching full contentment within yourself.
Once you get there, I’m willing to bet that men will come to you.
Got a question for the doc? Want to know what would be the most effective Canadian sex positions? Hit up the doctor for some sexy time: Queerlove@manhunt.net.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in Women's Studies. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
This is some of the best advice a person can give someone. And it’s been said time and time again whether it be Tyler Perry playing Madea, in song, or Dr. Queerlove. Just work on you and be single for a while it’ll all come in time.
good advice!!! I hate when people say I want a boyfriend… well is it for the sex? or to be with someone? be honest to urself. and if it to be with someone than u said right: ur not happy with urself! the only thing missing from this advice is to tell those people to hang themselves
Only two words need be said for this article … thank you.
LLD,
Dr Queerlove’s advice is crap. Its the same crap that everyone told me when I was 22. I guess being young and stupid I believed it too. Truthfully working on being happy single makes you less likely get LTR. If you seem to content with yourself guys will wonder what the hell you need them for? Keep switching your tactics to meet men. Be aloof, see how that works. Keep switching tactics till you find what works for you. And it is important that you figure this out in your twenties. If you don’t have a LTR in your twenties, It will only get worse in your 30’s. Gay men will really think something is wrong with you if you are thirty something and have not been in a serious relationship. I speak from experience. SO keep looking while you still have youth and beauty on your side.
Wow interesting views. I was one of those who wanted a relationship. I am still single and I wasnt looking I had a few dates and I am ok with it lol.
I keep an open mind and I enjoy talking to ppl lol
That was the best. I have to confess to been spending a lot of time on this site lately. Mostly because i took some time off; and i’ve been by myself for fifty something days. I think i just needed to get away from the city, and the life, and i could afford to take the days and just disappear, but i also wanted to love myself a little, cause i was in the same boat, I was just aggressively looking for love, and it is and was because there was something wrong with me. I think i have a nice perspective now. And i’m ready, but, it’s funny, normally i’m a chill cool dewd,29, i’m successful in my field, darn cute, but wow, that neediness we sometimes get, drives people away. Anyway, this was the best advice I’ve heard. Thank you.
Really though, the whole tone of the advice here is that there is something wrong with you for wanting to find love! And that just isn’t true! Partnering with another person is one of the most natural things you can do. Its perfectly natural to want to find another person to be with. But unfortunately, our culture brainwashes us into thinking that we’re supposed to be selfish, we’re supposed to work on material gain and having fun and all that so that we can settle down EVENTUALLY. So the problem here LLD is that you are the person thinking normally and everyone else in the world has been brainwashed into thinking that people looking for bfs are crazy. Its disgusting really, but hey, that’s modern times for you.
I’d say the best advice I could give you would be to actively try not to have sex with guys on the first date. If you’re seriously trying to get to know something, sex is the worst thing you can do. Trust me, even just waiting for the second date gives you more time to chat, and leaves both of you wanting more. And if you guys don’t have chemistry at all, then you can congratulate yourself on not being ashamed of sleeping with another jerk or loser!
Hi,
I’m a 43y/o gay male that likes to meet other guys online periodically. I mainly like to suck guys off, and I was wondering what the risks in terms of STD’s for me are. I make sure I have no sores in my mouth and that I don’t brush or floss before I meet up. I typically don’t swallow but some cum does get in my mouth sometimes. I typically meet only top guys that say they use condoms and are negative. Any advice is helpful because I’m always so stressed that I’m going to catch something.
I am 21 years old and also live in the Detroit area. I just got dumped by the love of my life and I am looking for love too. I think that just taking things casually is good advice, but i dont think looking for a boyfriend means you dont love yourself. I love myself, but i want to share that love with someone else too. And just because you are in your 20s doesnt mean you should be single and slutty, that is the reason no gay guys can commit. They never want to give up that lifestyle. If you want to settle down you should whenever you can, because a good gay guy or a good guy in general is very hard to find. Speaking of which if you read this Looking For Love, find me on manhunt. Maybe we could go on a “casual” date.
This was an awesome column. I think you hit it perfectly. Folks, he is not saying stop looking for love and just be a slut, but rather stop “looking for love” from being what you are all about. Get to know yourself more. How many times do they gotta tell ya its not the relationship that makes you happy, its a happy you that makes the relationship.
Plus, dudes, get off the slut thing. Stop judging people by who and how many people they are having sex with. My being a slut has nothing to do with you not finding a man. Worry about yourself and stop using sites like Manhunt then complain that everyone is looking for sex when they respond to your profile with your torso or butt pics and you talk about what you like and how you like to take it. Don’t you realize the mixed message. I’m going to give you all my business but don’t objectify me”. If you’re going to be a prude then be a real true prude. Own that shit.
Take things casually, but don’t get all negative about those who have found love and get married younger. A lot of people are still married many years later. Shame “Dr.”