10 Hot, Horny Ways To Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Fuck flowers, teddy bears and all that romantic shit! Valentine’s Day has become a heinous, overly commercialized beast, and the best way to rebel is to drench the holiday’s face with a hot load of jizz. It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, dating, married or in a polyamorous relationship. Nobody has any right to tell you how to feel on February 14. Except, well, I’m telling you that you should definitely cum on that day. Blow as many loads as possible, by yourself or with someone else.

I mean, sure! You could cry into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream while listening to sad music and feeling sorry for yourself, but why the fuck would you ever want to do that? You’ve got Manhunt, you’ve got porn, and you’ve got a bunch of useful (and often hilarious) items from adult novelty shop THINGS4FUN. Here’s a gift guide that has items to please yourself, your partner, your partner-to-be or your partner for one damn night.

– Dewitt

Check out ten fun, erotic ways to spend Valentine’s Day below:

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1. “NAIL POLISH REMOVER“:

It can be hard to find “nail polish remover” in certain areas—especially if you don’t have a sex shop anywhere near you—so surprise your partner with a gift that will turn you into ravenous sex beasts who can’t get enough dick! Keep in mind, however, that everyone has different reactions to “nail polish remover”, and they can be a major turn-off for some folks.

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2. A SEX MACHINE/ROBOT:

People are terrible! Assert your independence and reclaim Valentine’s Day as Singles Awareness Day. You don’t need a man (or woman) to keep you happy… Because you’ve got a 100% reliable sex robot to take care of all your needs. If the $500+ price range is too much for your budget, you can try out a simpler handheld model for much, much less.

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3. A NOVELTY PORN STAR DILDO:

So you want to get your man a threesome with his favorite porn star, but it’s unreasonable because—a) You would be too jealous watching him get fucked by another man, b) That porn star is no longer with us, or c) You don’t want to spend an arm and a leg hiring him as an escort. Well, good news! Most popular porn stars have molds of their dicks… And apparently Adam Champ‘s comes with lifelike foreskin? I didn’t even know uncut dildos existed! (Though I imagine they don’t taste as good as the real thing.)

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4. AN ANAL DESENSITIZING PRODUCT:

Let’s say you want to surprise your boyfriend or fuck buddy by bottoming for the first time, but you don’t want to come off as a whiny bitch like Topher DiMaggio. To start off, you should definitely practice with a dildo beforehand. The real world isn’t like gay porn. Most people need to get used to the sensation before truly learning to enjoy it.

Here’s a tip from my personal experience! When you’re all alone, turn on a porno with someone who really turns you on as a top. Place a towel on your chair, a dollop of lube on your hole and sit with the tip of the shaft just resting against your pucker. Rock back and forth and get used to the external stimulation. Once you’re feeling more ambitious, apply more lube, straddle the dildo and slowly ease your way down onto it. DO NOT SIT ALL THE WAY DOWN. You shouldn’t be pushing back unless it feels good.

Once you’ve sufficiently achieved orgasm with the dildo inside of you on multiple occasions, you might be ready for the big leagues. Even so, it can still help to use an anal desensitizing gel, cream or spray like the horribly-named one above. Try to do some research on these! You don’t want something that’s going to make you so numb that you can’t feel pain.

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5. A JOCKSTRAP:

Jockstraps are just plain sexy. We currently live in a world where less people are using them for their functional purpose, so you might as well just skip the frustrating trips to malls, department stores and sporting goods stores. Order one online. You’ll be able to choose between classic looks and modern updates, and when your man sees you sprawled out on the bed with your ass framed so nicely? The look on his face will be priceless.

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6. JUST-IN BEAVER BLOW UP LOVE DOLL:

With the pint-sized singer‘s mug shot dominating social media for all of last week, is there any better time to propose a Justin Bieber prison-sex tag-team? You can break out the handcuffs, invest in a faux-uniform and hate-fuck this awful little twat’s brains out… Because the true meaning of love is a shared distaste toward various pop culture figures!

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7. A CLONE-A-WILLY KIT:

Had a bad breakup recently? Send him one of these and tell him to go fuck himself! Wanna prevent your man from cheating while you’re away on business? Treat him to an exact replica of your cock! Or, hell, maybe you’re just a narcissist who realizes that learning to love yourself (with a mold of your own dick rubbing against your prostate) is, indeed, the greatest love of all.

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8. CHOKE THE CHICKEN THONG:

You call him up at work, and tell him to rush home for dinner. “It’s chicken,” you whisper sensually into the phone. When he gets to your place, you answer the door wearing this “Choke the Chicken Thong“. You shake your hips in a playful manner and ask him if he’s ready to eat. He tells you to take that ridiculous thing off your body, fucks your brains out, and then you order Chinese food… Because, um, you were too busy douching thoroughly to cook anything for this bastard.

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9. THE INCREDIBLE HULK DILDO:

Who needs a man when you could be pretending to have sex with Mark Ruffalo? Spend the night re-watching The Avengers, then retreat to the bedroom to let the Hulk “SMASH” your insides. Invite Spider-Man, Iron Man and Batman to the party for the superhero orgy of your dreams. (Because, unfortunately, none of these are real.)

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10. ANAL BLEACH:

To ensure that you’re not single next year, give your anus a makeover! Turn on your favorite pop song, record the whole process and edit it into a cheeky anal bleaching montage for YouTube. When you’re all done, you can bend over in front of the mirror and scream into your butthole, “YAAASSSSS! YAASS, ANUS, YOU LOOK SO GOOD!”

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