Zac Efron’s Jaw Has Been Wired Shut

His agent made him do that to stop him from sucking so much dick! One of those dick-owners might blab to the tabs! That’s what you were thinking. Don’t lie! If I were Zac Efron‘s secret boyfriend (*cough* Dave Franco*cough*), I’d be pissed. That’s it for holiday season suckjobs, nipple-chewing and salad tossin’ until the new year.

E! Online reports that Efron slipped in “a puddle of water” outside his home, fell and broke his jaw. Ouch. As someone who experienced something very similar this past summer, I actually feel a slight stirring of sympathy for this multi-millionaire, cokey closet case. Yes, it’s entirely possible karma is what tripped me and made me kiss pavement, due to typing sentences like that last one. Paragraphs like this next one could have had something to do with it, too.

I put the quotes on “puddle of water” because it was actually a “puddle of lube”, and it didn’t happen at the entrance to Zac’s LA home as reported, but right beside the sling in his fuck dungeon. And you better believe Dave Franco was bullshit when Zac knocked himself out because Dave was still HANDCUFFED IN THE SLING. Fortunately, their lucky pierre Christopher Mintz-Plasse minced in and freed Dave. But not before he took the extra large dildo out of Dave’s butt and inserted his flesh one. You may think Christopher Mintz-Plasse comes off as a gay nerd, but nerds tend to have HUGE COCKS. Dave Franco is still waddling from getting his asshole wrecked…

*pause*

Wow. Sorry. Yeah, so Zac’s fine. And he’s probably not really gay. And probably actually fell. He’s having a tough year, so I’ll cut him some slack. The important thing is that he’s going to have a full recovery. So his face will heal. That face. What would we do without that face (and body)?

– J. Harvey

Check out more pics of Zac Efron from his upcoming movie That Awkward Moment: