Wanna Be On Top?: ANTM Does Lori Goldstein

We always look forward to makeover week on America’s Next Top Model. There’s a sick part of us that secretly enjoys watching pretty people cry, as haircuts and bad extensions are forced upon them. It’s the same sick part that likes watching innocent twinks gagging on their first huge cock. Well, sort of.

Sadly, we didn’t get much satisfaction from last night’s makeover episode. A good portion of the “new” looks were incredibly tame. Straighter! Longer! Curlier! Where were the life-changing, tear-inducing transformations? Has Tyra Banks lost her lady balls? Our only sources of drama were a girl who wished for a weave, and a girl who wished they hadn’t given her a weave. Color us disappointed.

But on a brighter note? The photo shoot was pretty damn rad. Decked out in high-fashion couture, the eleven remaining contestants paired up and posed outdoors for photographer Pamela Hanson. Their mission was to stand out against their competitor, yet simultaneously come together for a cohesive shot. Who was able to make it work? Which girl caved under the pressure? Click through to find out!

– Dewitt

To check out this week’s pics and read more, follow the JUMP:

MONIQUE & ALEXANDRIA:

MIKAELA & SARA:

BRITTANI & HANNAH:

MIKAELA & SARA:

DALYA, JACLYN & DOMINIQUE:

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On to this week’s rankings…

1. ALEXANDRIA (LW -8): We can’t believe it’s taken us so long to notice Alexandria’s huge forehead. This may sound totally mean, but we swear it’s justified once you get to know her (or at least her reality television edit). Her bitchiness is almost entertaining. Mostly just annoying. We like when she says nonsensical things like, “If you’re in my way, you better keep up!” In what world does that even make sense?

On an entirely unrelated note, we don’t understand why the judges called her name first. We’re willing to admit when awful contestants do a good job, but we just don’t see the appeal of her photo with Monique. She looks distant and empty. And not in a gorgeous, unattainable model kind of way. Ten bucks says the producers just did this for the inevitable drama it’ll cause in the house.

2. MOLLY (LW – 10): What if Diana Ross were a blonde? Some questions are best left unanswered, as proven by Molly’s disastrous and utterly unbeweavable makeover. It’s a good thing she was able to overcome this atrocity, pull herself together and perform well in this shoot. While we’re not sure if we look at her and think “model”, she definitely photographs well.

3. BRITTANI (LW – 2): Initially, we expressed some skepticism over Brittani’s makeover. It reminded us of that heinous bob they gave Saleisha (aka one of the most boring ANTM winners ever). Of course, we changed our minds once we saw her in action! We’ve been wrong about these things before, but we think you’re looking at this cycle’s winner…

4. KASIA (LW – 5): It’s either hit or miss with Kasia, and we’d argue this week came off as one big-ass hit. Oh, gosh! When we said “big-ass”, we really didn’t mean that as a reference to her “fiercely real” plus-size status. Honestly, she was so damn regal in that couture gown, we hardly even thought about that.

5. JACLYN (LW – 9): When it all comes down to it, we’re much more interested in Jaclyn’s personality than her modeling. There was a point when she was talking about yelling at Alexandria, and we kept sitting in our seats chanting “Please yell! Please yell!” It’d be like Minnie Mouse having a shit-fit. Seriously, we’d do anything to see this happen.

6. HANNAH (LW – 1): What. The. Fuck? Without any doubt, Hannah had the best pose of all the girls. Why did it take so long for the judges to call her name? We know she wasn’t in danger of getting eliminated or anything, but she at least deserved a good, hard pat on the back!

7. MONIQUE (LW – 3): Even though Monique looked completely out of place in this week’s photo shoot, we still think there’s something really intriguing about her face. In other words? She looks like she’s made of plastic. But in a totally “fashion” sort of way.

8. DALYA (LW – 11): If Dalya doesn’t live up to her potential, we are going to track her down and pull that weave off her head. There is no fucking excuse. When you look this stunning, you should be taking better pictures. Sidebar: We’re really pissed off about that giant orange light on her face.

9. MIKAELA (LW – 4): Open your eyes, Mikaela! Then you’ll be able to see that your bone structure alone is enough to win this competition. Fuck it! Why don’t you already have a modeling contract? Is it because you close your eyes in pictures where your eyes should obviously not be closed? That’s our only guess.

10. SARA (LW – 7): In this episode, Sara managed to both reference Lord of the Rings and mention she was shaking like “a house-broken chihuaha”. We’re more concerned about the last one. Basically, she just said she was shaking like a dog that knows it’s supposed to pee outside. Um? We’re willing to forgive her, as long as she starts owning her hot new makeover. Seriously, gurl! You look hot. We’d totally do you if we were a bit more into vaginas.

ELIMINATED: DOMINIQUE (LW – 6): You know that clown that looks like it was photoshopped into Dalya and Jaclyn’s picture? That was actually Dominique. We know this may come as a surprise to some of you, but we swear it’s entirely true. It’s time to say goodbye to Ms. Freckle-Face.