An Open Letter To Kyle Bornheimer

Dear Kyle Bornheimer,

We need to sit down and have a talk. You are an adorable man who makes me excited in the pants-zone, and I would very much like to stick my penis in your mouth and wiggle it around a little bit. You know that already. What you might not know is that you are poison to network television, and it makes zero sense that you keep getting cast as the lead male character on various programs.

The tagline of your longest-running series Worst Week, “Good Guy. Bad Luck.”, could very well ring true for your entire professional career. Your most recent effort Family Tools was given the boot after only three episodes aired, and before that, we lost Perfect Couples after eleven and Romantically Challenged after four. This isn’t a good sign! As you progress, your track record is getting even worse.

Here’s the thing, though! I find you embarrassingly charming, to the point that I actually watched Family Tools and giggled every time the opening credits said “Jack (Me)”. I would silently think to myself, “Okay! If you insist”, then go upstairs afterward and jerk off to scantily-clad screen-caps from Worst Week. You give me serious erections, dude.

Now, I know you’re still getting hired and doing bit parts in movies, but I’d like to make an offer that you can’t, or at least shouldn’t, refuse. Why don’t you quit while you’re behind, stop trying to be on TV shows and come be my personal dick slut? I will pay you handsomely (with hot loads of jizz down your throat), and there is a particularly impressive benefits package (which includes my shaft poking your prostate ’til you cum).

Think about it! I haven’t.

– Dewitt

Look at your own face, Kyle, below and imagine how good it’d look with my semen on it: