Gay Ass Gossip: The Top 10 Celebrities Who Should Come Out Of The Closet

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I fully invite all of you

(Dewitt made me post this)

to have at me in the comments about how wrong I am for posting

(Dewitt told me if I didn’t post about closet cases in Hollywood, he wouldn’t let me e-mail with Colby Jansen anymore)

a list of celebrities everyone knows are totally into dudes. It’s part of my fall tour – J. Harvey: That Vapid Whore Blogger With Bad Grammar That You Love To Hate. Please don’t forget to stop by the merchandise stand in the lobby.

There’s a bunch of celebrities that every time they pop up on your media screen of choice with a woman, you’re like “ugh, queen – stop. You’re gay.” Don’t even look at the grid above and try and type at me that I am so out of line and they are the very essence of heterosexuality. It’s not true. Why demand they come out? I’m not. They can stay closeted as long as they like. I’m just sayin’ – their lives would be a lot easier and people would stop speculating and running their mouth about their personal business if they were uncaring about people knowing they like dick.

Plus…your visibility as a homosexual tends to help all of us. Which is why Anderson Cooper and Zachary Quinto came out. And both of them kinda kicked the shit out of the whole “my career will suffer if people know I suck cock” didn’t they?

Let us know if we’ve forgotten anyone in the comments.

– J. Harvey

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1) Tom Cruise

Oh, Tommy. Girl, switch up those elevator lifts for a pair of vividly colored Jeremy Scott high-tops and let it go. One of the many downsides of Scientology is that they consider homos to be “degraded” individuals, so practitioners tend to reveal in their “auditing” sessions that they have gay feelings and are told that Xenu will take them away. Meanwhile, the poor Scientologist is getting so hard up for body that he’s getting a little too handsy with the masseur (see #2). Oh, and because everything you say in your auditing is recorded for posterity, the gay celebrity is basically blackmailed into staying in the closet lest he be revealed. Plus, Tom is a millionaire movie star. He doesn’t want to eff with his box office, right? When you are AUDITIONING girlfriends and future wives, something is wrong. Do you know how much more comfortable society would be with you if you were like “ya know what? I’m gay. I have a daughter, and I’m gay. I’m a gay Dad. I’m through faking this shit. I want to date a Randy Blue model and have a fucking beer at MJs. Fuck you, Xenu.” You’d be more comfortable, too.

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2) John Travolta

Travolta has let his closet situation render him creepy as fuck. The damage might already have been done. Notice the clenched perma-grin on Kelly Preston’s face. This is a FUCKED-UP situation. Johnny Trav is so obviously a fag-o-tron that it’s rendered him psychotic. You don’t have that many massage professionals claiming you were winking at them with your anal ring and trying to grab up on their packages without at least a grain of truth to these stories. This poor bastard might be a lost cause. Damage control would have to consist of “I lived a weird-ass life for awhile. I did some shitty things to people cuz’ I was so horny and unhappy. Kelly deserves a straight husband. I’m gay. And I’m getting rid of this wig. Tom Cruise and I are burning our e-meters.”

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3) Taylor Lautner

Click here. And unless he was mocking homosexuals, he totally is one. Sorry, ladies. You’re welcome, gay guys.

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4) Chace Crawford

Chace is rumored to be very comfortable getting sessy in the steamrooms of NYC gyms. Also, he looks like a gay sex angel. That last part doesn’t mean dick, but if you’re waggling your pin at guys from under your towel at Equinox – chances are…

He also lived with his co-star (#5) and there were delicious rumors that they were sharing each other’s bodies as well as the rent.I hope they were the stupid kind of celeb who taped their goings-on.

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5) Ed Westwick

He looks like that and he’s British. NEXT!

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6) Tyler Perry

Hallelujer, I’m gay! There is no way in hell the dude wearing Madea’s fake titties isn’t gay. I’m not saying he’s gay cuz’ he gives us flawless sass realness in drag. I’ve just seen him try to play heterosexuals on film and he’s not good enough of an actor to pull it off. Gay.

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7) Vin Diesel

Who? He was in some action movies in the early 2000s, and briefly caused a stir cuz’ he’s a big slab of sex meat. He’s sort of faded into obscurity in the last couple of years, so he should be thrilled someone is writing about his gay ass. Yes. “gay ass.”

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8) Will Smith

It’s like Will and his wife are having a bearded marriage contest with Travolta and his wife. Will is soooooo very gay. He’s gayer than Eddie Murphy who wasn’t popular enough to make it onto this list (Vin Diesel was hotter).  You know how you can tell if a celebrity is gay? He makes a big deal about playing and he’s married to a lesbian. Six Degrees of Separation and Jade Pinkett-Smith. “What are two clues that Will Smith likes it in the booty hole?”

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9) Jake Gyllenhaal

How dare you say this is just wishful thinking! For many years, Jake was known as “Toothy Tile” in former E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca’s column. Casablanca often wrote about his gay exploits. Unless it was some sort of erotic celebrity slash fiction on Ted’s part, the “G” in “Jakey G” stands for….well, you know.

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10) Ryan Seacrest

I know, I know. He brought us the Kardashians and is responsible for everything shitty in our culture right now. I wish he was straight, too.