Gay Ass Gossip: Christopher Meloni Is Breaking Our Hearts

ITEM – Christopher Meloni is a HOT PIECE OF ASS. And Law & Order: Special Victims Unit is one of my all-time favorite television shows. It’s on SVU that I get to learn about the disgusting, murderous, perverted things people do to each other in the name of evil while watching Det. Elliot Stabler get all outraged and flexy in his tight dress shirt. And he tends to get injured a lot, so he’s usually taking that shirt off. He’s thick and muscley, with intensity to spare and I want him to cavity search me. I’m sure that’s a very appetizing notion for him. And can I just remind you that he was 1/2 of the hottest gay couple ever – Beecher and Keller on OZ? Sure, he played a psychotic serial killer who tried to kill his boyfriend as much as he fucked him, but damn, did they have some chemistry.

So I was floored this week when it was announced that Meloni wasn’t going to play Stabler anymore! Oh, and get this – Olivia is leaving halfway through the next season and they might replace her ass with a new detective played by Jennifer Fucking Love Fucking Hewitt?

SVU is one of the few undiluted joys in my life, and Meloni just ruined it. Yeah, yeah, 12 years is a long time to play the same dude. But now they’re going to get someone crappy like…. John Stamos or someone. Ugh. What will I do without Stabler being all conservative and Olivia being all liberal and then Ice-T walks by with some gun powder reside evidence and they discover a website for people who like to dress as birthday cakes and murder Gypsies? God, I love that show.

– J. Harvey

For more Gay Ass Gossip (and for more hot pics of Christopher Meloni), Follow the JUMP:

Yes, that’s Christopher Meloni’s asshole

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ITEM – Kris Humphries is the pro-NBA player who recently asked ferret-faced (I can’t STAND the Kardashian whores) Kim Kardashian to marry him. With a reportedly $2,000,000 ring. Now, NBA players make a mountains of cash, but Humphries isn’t exactly one of the more visible players. So could he really afford such a pricey bauble to put on Kim’s meerkat claw? Well, if E! was helping pay the tab. E! airs the hugely popular Keeping Up With Kardashians and its myriad of vapid spin-offs and word on the famewhore street is that they brokered a deal for Humphries with the jewelers. So he would ask her to marry him for a new plotline for the show. If you had any doubts that reality shows are highly fictional, there’s your proof. Keep in mind that Kim’s Sasquatchian sister Khloe‘s wedding was completely written and staged by E!’s producers. This is basically all just a movie for television. A really bad movie for television with no trace of Valerie Bertinelli or the mother from Family Ties.

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ITEM – Jersey Shore is filming their next season in Florence, Italy. Florence was always near the top of my Must Visit Before I Die cities list, but now it’s tainted with fake tanner and boozy vomit. No thanks. Anyway, Ronnie and The Situation got into it, and Ronnie is said to have passed out a beatdown. The Sitch was spotted with a busted face (bruises and redness, not his usual busted face) and Ronnie was photographed with bloody knuckles. These people are the dregs, but they still have nice bodies. I hope they fucked and made up. As for the Situation getting injured, it can’t be as painful as what happened to him here.