Dolly Parton: A Celebrity Drag Queen Who Can’t Win A Drag Queen Contest Playing Herself

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Let me stress that I find Dolly Parton tremendous. But doesn’t she define “drag queen”? Nothing on her is real. It’s all drag. And then we find out she came in last in a celebrity drag queen contest. What did the judges want from her? Did they want her to bleed rhinestones and pull a banjo out from under her coat of many colors? Dolly had a sit-down with Nightline and told a little tale about how she lost a celebrity drag queen competition that she had stealthily entered. Other Dollys defeated her ass. How?!?

“They had a bunch of Chers and Dollys that year, so I just over-exaggerated — made my beauty mark bigger, the eyes bigger, the hair bigger, everything. All these beautiful drag queens had worked for weeks and months getting their clothes. So I just got in the line and I just walked across, and they just thought I was some little short gay guy.. but I got the least applause.”

That must have been some big hair, big beauty mark, and big eyes. Those evil queen judges. And what a blow to Dolly’s ego. But Dolly don’t care! She just goes on being a sweet natured, national treasure. Who insists she is not patting the pastry of her “best friend” Judy. Wig, please!

– J. Harvey (via Towleroad)

For Dolly’s thoughts on whether or not she’s gay (she drags Oprah Winfrey into it), Follow the JUMP:

“Like Gayle [King], her friend, Judy, my friend, they just think that you just can’t be that close to somebody,” Parton said. “Judy and I have been best friends since we were like in the third and fourth grade… We still just have a great friendship and relationship and I love her as much as I love anybody in the whole world, but we’re not romantically involved.”

LIES! You are strumming each other’s lady banjos and it’s fine by us. You’re not the only national treasure who ever preferred the same gender when it came to sexy times. Oprah’s gay, too! And so’s Ronald McDonald. And you know Betty White is lappin’ labia. It’s cool. No worries.