Yesterday I saw Rupert Everett in the role of Oscar Wilde in The Judas Kiss, a play that focuses on the pivotal decisions Wilde made, first in 1895, not to flee England and avoid trial for gross indecency (aka loving men) and second in 1897 to reunite with his lover after serving a two year prison term, though the price was rejection from all his friends and family.
As soon as I left the theatre I received a message from a friend in the US to let me know that Wilfried Knight had taken his life, overwhelmed with grief over the suicide of his husband, Jerry Enriquez, a couple of weeks ago.
On March 3rd 2013, Wilfried published on his blog an account of the events that led to Jerry hanging himself. Apparently Jerry’s being bullied at and then fired from a soulless organisation was enough to drive him to attempt suicide, but what sealed his fate was the loss of his Canadian visa, which meant that he and Wilfried were thrown back into a situation where no country would accept both of them as residents – basically because they were two men in love and not a man and a woman.
Inevitably, some will look at Wilfried’s death in the light of the recent untimely deaths of a horribly long list of men who have performed in porn, but when it comes to the manner of their passing, porn is merely coincidental. What our lost brothers really have in common, and they have this in common with every member of our community who dies long before they should, is that they, or those around them, felt they were beyond help.
This can be a hard concept to grasp without knowing more about some of the beautiful people we have lost recently, and this is where porn may be partly responsible. Who would expect a person who looks so gorgeous, is a minor celebrity in the community, gets to have hot sex all over world with stunning men and if you read his Twitter feed seems to be thrilled several times a day about it, to have felt so low and so beyond help? The fairly obvious answer is that behind every porn persona is a real person with real problems and, at times, real pain.
For that matter, being able to see despair when looking at anyone in the world can be very difficult. Many of us hide our pain well. And why wouldn’t we? Sometimes it’s just that we know our friends are dealing with enough of their own problems, and we don’t want to be a burden. Other times, nothing is so unhelpful as a person who appears to seize upon our pain like a meal to feed their own sense of usefulness. So instead of answering the question, ‘How are you?’ with ‘Pretty shit really’, we often say, ‘Fine, thanks’.
At the same time, we all know someone who may be doing their best to hide their pain, but who is clearly a hot mess, and we either don’t know where to begin with them or we’ve tried and nearly or actually given up trying to find a successful approach. Believe me, I know.
As in all things, doing nothing is the easiest thing to do, but if we do nothing then nothing is going to change, and it won’t be long before we’re either reading about the loss of another beautiful soul or, worse, hearing about a friend who just gave up.
We need to learn to be better at being there for each other. We need to learn to be better at helping brothers and sisters who are in pain, whether they are simply grieving or are deeply fucked up by this crazy world, and we need to learn how to shine a light to guide them out of the dark.
Above all, we need to dispose of our own concept of ‘beyond help’ and not give up doing whatever we can to be there for those who are hurting – to the last.
I admit, this is easier said than done. Aside from how complex and widespread are the hardest problems, like mental health and drug addiction, and how few effective resources are available to help with them, I know that finding the right balance between imposing on someone and supporting them is very tricky. But to be honest, before we’re even confronted with any of those problems, I think most of us get stuck on the question ‘What can I do?’
The thing is, if you’re just asking yourself that question, you’re asking the wrong person. Ask that question of that person who you think might need your help. They might tell you there is nothing you can do, but just knowing someone cares could make all the difference to them.
No-one who did not contribute to their pain should feel responsible for a decision someone else makes to take their own life, and I respect the prerogative of anyone who makes that decision, but no-one should be lost because they do not have the support that could have held them through dark times to much better ones.
I don’t know it would have made the critical difference if I had been aware of Wilfried’s bereavement and offered him my support, but from the short time I spent with him in October last year, he struck me as a man who embraced life and had ambitions for the future. I’m sure that his closest friends did all they could to support him, but it appears he needed more to see him through his grief.
It goes without saying we should do everything we can to not leave anyone in our community that way. What needs to be said, though I can’t speak for everyone, is that when it comes to other people’s pain, I think most of us could do more. Too many people I know in London are living far too close to the edge without a safety line. I think it’s a safe bet the same is true in many more cities around the world.
From the sound of it, even if Wilfried and Jerry hadn’t lost their visas to live in Canada, they still would have needed a lot of support to get through a very tough time, but there’s a good chance that neither of them would have felt so helpless if same-sex couples had had the same rights and respect as straight couples.
Over 100 years have passed since Oscar Wilde’s life was destroyed by a community that would not give him the freedom to be with the person he loved. Sadly, I doubt Wilfried will be the last beautiful man who dies as a result of the inequalities gay men and women face, but losing him doesn’t have to be a total waste if the strength of his love inspires us to fight harder to end the INSANITY of laws everywhere in the world that prevent same-sex lovers from living together in either one of their home countries.
You aren’t the only ones who need to do this but, my American brothers, please make more noise and FIGHT! Share these links:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-YCdcnf_P8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LiLNVYjOAI
Support the campaign:
http://www.respectformarriage.org
And have that uncomfortable argument with your straight friends and relatives. Let Wilfried inspire you to fight harder to change the world, then remember him and celebrate in his memory when we win. I think I knew him well enough to say he would like that.
You may also like to help prevent teen suicides by donating to:
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
And finally, believe me and try to remember, whether it’s for yourself or someone who you know is in a bad way, now or in the future. There is no such thing as beyond help.
– Dolan Wolf
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Dolan Wolf is, amongst other things, a bad-boy, good-guy, porn actor, writer, kinkster, sci-fi geek and activist from London, and when he remembers to, he can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of his stupid little life.
I agree with you on this. About 3 years ago I was hospitalized with PCV. I was so distraught that I thought about just giving up.I had lost my job driving trucks and felt like such a failure. I let the anger and distraughtness of my situation. My mother and Aunt were there and they didn’t know my sero-status and had to admit that.I really just wanted to give up and just say f#%k it I had even entertained the possibility of the choice Mr Knight chose.The thing is I didn’t want that to be the final chapter of my life . I know that life in all its expanse can be not the most favorable, I also realize that You allow it to win when you submit to to misery completely forgetting all the joy and happiness that is also part of the experience.The thing is every situation is different, I also believe that you need not allow the
Demons dominate your life . Your life is more than misery your mired in the moment. Never allow the hurt to control.Be encouraged and trust that it will get better. The reality is it up to decide whether or not you deserve it . I only wish Mr Knight could have realized he did also
People need to ask for help, want help or indicate they need it we can not all be mind readers.
But your right no one is beyond help!
I agree with attempting to help anyone in your life in need of help on any level but some will simply choose to refuse you and your assistance. I recently had a friend that threatened suicide and I did everything I could think of in my grasp to reach out to her and relieve her pain. She simply refused any attempt I made to talk about it or even suggestions for her to seek help. In the end people will make their own decisions and the best you can do is to help them make the right ones.
True. It’s so sad that things like this happen…and it’s so easy to think nothing could be done. But it you don’t even try to help or at least make the offer, then nothing WILL be done.
Well said gentlemen
Until now I just thought of you, Dolan Wolf, as hot a guy with a nice hairy bum (not that there is anything wrong with that!) , but you are also a fine writer. Very well put. I do agree that anti-gay bigotry played a big part in this tragedy. Let’s work to get laws in place that treat all people equally.
Incredibly well-spoken, Mr. Wolf.
It’ a sad culture that we live in, where the external is given so much more weight than what’s on the inside / in the heart . . . . where appearances are valued more than anything else . . . and where people are afraid to ask even those closest friends, “are you ok?”
Until people start caring again, there will be more out there who will feel all alone, as if there is no hope, as if they are beyond help. And the but for the grace of God go any of us . . . . all it can take is a few wrong turns in our lives, where perhaps our jobs are lost, a relationship ends, or we lose someone we love.
And to all of us, if you know someone who’s facing some tough challenges in their life: keep your eyes and your ears open. Talk with them — and more importantly, listen. And if things are seeming that dark for them, shine some light their direction — even if they fight you on it. Put it this way: I’d rather be disowned as a friend because i went and got help for someone who needed it, and they stayed with us in the land of the living . . . than to have said nothing and only be able to visit their grave.
Mr. Wolf do you really know the inside story on these men’s lives? Porn acting no matter what is said cannot be a spiritually edifying work or life style. One’s worth is based on looks and cock size. I don’t see how a person can be fulfilled by this career. Maybe get a kick but not a deep fulfillment.Depression and suicide are sometime easiy dissimulated by people.Whatever these men had they did not have the strength to struggle . What was their relationship with drugs. And yes we ought to extend our concern and care to someone in deep states of despair.But it seems as though more was at play with these two men.
On the topic of Oscar Wilde….he played his hand at the terrible game of social acceptance. Whether ego or his sense of injustice were at play or both he knew the odds infront of him and chose to throw his life away. It was his choice. He was not a victim. He knew how the system worked.And his popularity had waned while this matter spunoout of control. As much as a pitiable situation Wilde walked into his demise with eyes wide open.
This is very well written, however I didn’t like how it seemed to place more of the brunt on straight people. I understand the author’s frustration & concern. But most straight people I know don’t want to contribute to anyone’s misery or cause to take their life. So I don’t think its fair to point the finger at them either.
I am very outraged and sad about this terrible loss of 2 men of worth in the world.
It is incredible to see such heart come from someone in the adult entertainment industry. It is an industry, like any other. I have had the opportunity to work with some gents at fundraising events – they use their talents, as I do mine, to work toward the betterment of a cause in which they believe.
The generoosity they show reveeals someone with a pulse behind the image they portray in whatever version of entertainment they are in. I have had ample opportunity to find men (to date, no women, but not ruling it out) who are a) tired of corporate life and want to do something more interesting and b) have home lives with their extended families and partners, with equal caring for humanity. And regrettably, as we have seen in this story, the hurts for those in the media are as real as for those of us in less aggrandized jobs.
Well written – it lends credence to those in the entertainment world that they too, are subject to the same human frailties.
Thank you.
Sad news, RIP Wilfried
i hate that suicide even exists
i know someone who seems in danger of falling off the edge, himself
i’m going to renew my efforts to talk to him about his depression, and telling him that i know that the solution to his problems will not simply come from me telling him to “cheer up” or “supress your demons” — because that’s not how overcoming depression works, whatsoever
i’ll also remind him that, no matter what he goes through, i don’t want him to kill himself (at all) — that i personally will attempt to step in if he ever thinks he has no other options left
Believe me Bro, there are times when having just one person who thinks as you do, draws the line between a person and a horrible decision.
i can only hope that i’ll have the same luxury available to me, should i ever find myself in a similar position, KiLe
even if that person has to beat me up to keep me from pulling the trigger, to show me how much i mean to them. . . . .
I’m the same way in theory. If someone is willing to slap you do keep you safe, then that’s good. To be cared about to exclusion of all else, even just for a moment when you need it most, is a wonderful thing.
that’s real love fer ya, eh?