Can I make a confession? I really don’t like Halloween. Not that I don’t like candy or parties (I do!), but because I don’t really like getting dressed up in costumes.
I stress out for weeks trying to come up with something that’s clever but also not too impractical—something that looks good, which I can also sit down in and maybe even dance in—and then, at the last minute, I’m totally scrambling. The best idea I ever had was the year that I went as a Pleasure Victim. Inspired by the Berlin album, I wore my roommate’s Victoria’s Secret underwear and not much else besides some gold paint and a lot of mascara. People graffitied me with lipstick and wrote things like COCKSUCKER and WHORE on the insides of my legs. I looked pretty hot, I must say. Sadly, I ended up not getting laid that night, and also, I lost my driver’s license somewhere because no pants also means no pockets. Stupid Halloween!
Most of the costumes I see around me at parties are pretty lame, too. The Santa suit is the worst. Try harder! Dudes in t-shirts that are bad joke “costumes” drive me nuts, too. I saw one that had a stuffed red heart attached to it that said “I have a heart on”. If you made that up yourself, it might be clever. But on a store-bought costume? No way.
(Also, note to gay men: just dressing as any woman does not count as a Halloween costume. That is called drag, and many of your brethren are doing it better than you could, every single day.)
Girls have it easy; you can be a Slutty Anything and get away with it. But for guys, it’s a lot of bad jokes and foamy superhero outfits. There’s a few that can be attractive and also functional: the Robin Hoods and the Captain Kirks, the cops and astronauts. Basically, the men in uniforms that don’t require too much padding and which are easy to get out of in case anyone vants to suck your cock.
This year for once I’m actually kind of excited, though, because I got invited to a theme party that requires all guests to dress up as a character from a song. So I could be a father figure, a fine girl named Brandy, a wayward youth named Jeremy, or a little old lady from Pasadena. Or Rasputin. The possibilities are endless, really. (Meaning I still haven’t decided. Advice, please?!)
Anyway, enough about me. What are your costume plans?
Click through for more tacky/slutty man-costumes:
“Sexy” Police Officer (Note the strategically-placed zipper!):
Woody (Just for the obvious penis jokes):