Want the Essence of Justin Bieber in a Bottle? Well, Here. It. Is.

Justin Bieber has a new fragrance out (his third), and it’s called “The Key”. Here’s the ad:

SO, what we’re getting here – aside from a preview of his new single “Heartbreaker” – is that the “The Key”, itself, is what; his hotel room key? Is it the key that he’s using to come to YOUR hotel room (because, are YOU the mystery girl who sleeps, dreaming of the Bieb?) so he may give you a massive cake and maybe then make sweet love to you, thereby taking away all your lonely, adolescent girl-sadness?

No, really, I’m asking. I can’t make sense of it. I mean, what am I getting – image and mythology wise – if I buy this bottle of insistently over-produced, hyped-up, fake whale vomit and lavender/patchouli that has The Biebs all over it? Because that’s what these celeb fragrances are meant to be. They’re meant to be a mythic distillation of the subject in a bottle of scent. Am I getting the perpetual, soul-quenching promise of Justin Bieber’s sweet man love when I buy this fragrance? Is that what I’m getting?

 Justin Bieber shirtless

Because let’s just think, for a moment, about what it would be like to have Justin Bieber make love to you in a hotel room. He’d strut around the room in his dumb ass trucker hat with the spikes on it and then, when he’d finally stopped doing those smirking “Hey…you’re hot” nods to himself in the mirror on the wall behind the back of the bed, he’d fuck like an energizer bunny on super speed for like twenty seconds before it would all be over and he’d lay back and think about how great he definitely was at sexing other people (because he’s good at everything – that’s what Kirstie, his publicist always says, anyway) and then he’d call his mom and demand that she bring up some Burger King, and when she’d tell him he’d already had Burger King that day he’d almost cry and would then scream into the phone that she was a fucking whore and then he’d hang up and quickly giggle a bit but he wouldn’t look at you. In fact, he’d never actually have looked at you at all the entire time he was in the room. He’d then pretend that the whole altercation had never happened by quickly playing his PS3 during which time his slackened mouth would hang open in between cheering at his own progress – and he’d definitely refer to himself as “rad”.

Awesome. I’m getting a bottle of that. Anything to keep him going. Financially.

Charley Flynn.

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9 thoughts on “Want the Essence of Justin Bieber in a Bottle? Well, Here. It. Is.

  1. Oh- Oh- Here’s what it must smell like… 1 part hair product, 1 part exotic car interior and 1 part ASSHOLE.

  2. If I put it on, will I become a little white boy wanting to be, a wanna be thug….. I’ll pass thank you

  3. add to that 1 part piss, 1 part cumrag, minus 1 part exotic car change for 1 part tour bus & there it is………NA$TY 4 U, the NEW Bieber fragrance, guaranteed to make NO ONE talk to you, and you smell like a BAD dirty teenagers WELL used GYM sock

  4. Did they bottle that mop water he pissed in to make his new fragrance? Or was it the cleaner he sprayed on Bill Clinton’s picture before saying fuck you Bill Clinton. Can we please deport him already?

  5. I just know that if I was totally famous at 10, given the millions of dollars, and a bunch of people to do whatever I said- I’m guessing I’d still be totally immature too! hes still 10 mentally- so yes- his pretty entitled & acting a fool. But that said- I’m not sure Id be any better if someone gave me fame and millions and said do whatever you want as a kid. 🙂 why grow up at all? I just cant spend time hating on him though I have better things to do- and cant say Id buy his cologne either…. but if I was 10 I would:)

  6. Just imagining how this stuff reeks of artificial sweetener and Axe body spray makes me want to take a bath in acid despite knowing full well that you could never erase the scent from your memory.

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