I spent my Thursday night at a bear bar, consoling a straight friend after the the New York Jets lost to the Denver Broncos. This wasn’t the sexy sort of consoling like “Let’s head to the bathroom, and I’ll blow you in the stall” (Nor would I ever want it to be, because that’d ruin a perfectly good bromance.) This was the sort of consoling where we had to leave the bar, because he stopped functioning and felt physically ill.
Needless to say, I still haven’t forgiven Tim Tebow for this drunken debacle. The worst part is that he makes it so hard to hate him—even with all the, well, you know—because he’s just so goddamn attractive. He’s the ultimate Secret Sex! And I can’t look at him without thinking about butt sex.
That said, I thought it’d be fun to feature Tebow in our Top or Bottom column. Ignore the fact that he’s straight and saving himself for Jesus. If he were hypothetically to get down with another dude, do you think he’d play the role of a cock-hungry wide receiver or clench his cheeks and be a “defensive end”? Let us know!
Hopefully, this week’s results will be more interesting than the last round. Nearly sixty-seven percent of you pegged Glee actor Chris Colfer as a total bottom. We actually have this weird feeling that he’s versatile, but we’ll never know unless he casually drops his preference in an interview. Could you imagine? “Thanks for inviting me to the show, Conan! Apologies if I’m a little out of it. I was up all night sandwich fucking with Harry Shum Jr. and Matthew Morrison.” And we end this post with that visual. You’re welcome?
To see some disgustingly hot pictures of Tim Tebow and cast your vote, follow the JUMP: