The Locker Room: Weekend NHL Roundup

Those of you who are avid readers of Manhunt Daily might have picked up on the fact that there is literally nothing in the world that I want more than to get passed around the locker room by a horned up hockey team. Tough guys, big muscles, a general disrespect for personal space. Could anything be better than having your body crushed by the weight of some bearded beast who’s like 6’7″?

(Okay, you might not agree, but I just literally popped a boner typing that last sentence.)

Hockey season’s drawing to a close soon. There are five teams left with their eye on the Stanley Cup, and I thought I’d profile the dudes I most want to offer my sexual services to.

Lawrence

Take a good look at the full list of players below:

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5. Corey Perry, Anaheim Ducks:

San Jose Sharks v Anaheim Ducks

The Ducks aren’t my team… I have an aversion to all things Anaheim and even though Disney hasn’t owned the team since like 2005, I still can’t really get behind the fact that the Ducks were basically created to cash in on a kids movie. You know what I would get behind, though, is Corey Perry, if you know what I”m saying.

San Jose Sharks v Anaheim Ducks

Despite his somewhat twinkish looks, Corey Perry is 6’3″ and 212 lbs. Which means we’re almost exactly the same size! Except that he’s all muscle and I have the body of a professional blogger. I’m sensing that he might be a great flip-fucker.

San Jose Sharks v Anaheim Ducks

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4. Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks:

Jonathan Toews of the Chicago Blackhawks.

I don’t like the Ducks, and I don’t like the Blackhawks, either. Nothing against Chicago—I really liked it the one time I was there, actually—but I prefer rooting for teams whose identities aren’t based on Native American stereotypes! (I know, I know. You are not here for that kind of talk.)

Jonathan Toews of the Chicago Blackhawks.

Luckily the Hawks’ dreamiest player, Captain Jonathan Toews, looks better with his shirt off than he does with the cartoony Tommy Hawk on his jersey. Something about Toews, though… Is it just me or does he have the aura of a really, really greedy bottom? The kind that does all the work for you and then begs for your big load? It’s not typical hockey fantasy behavior, but then again, I wouldn’t say “no” if I met him in the showers.

Jonathan Toews of the Chicago Blackhawks.

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3. Marián Gáborik, Los Angeles Kings:

Marián Gáborik of the Los Angeles Kings

Frequently traded and more frequently injured, the Slovak right wing has been playing in the NHL since 2000 and man oh man do I ever want him to jump my bones.

Marián Gáborik of the Los Angeles Kings

The 32-year old has a handsome face with the kind of half-sweet, half-sinister bad boy smile that makes me think a romp in the hay with him would not soon be forgotten.

Marián Gáborik of the Los Angeles Kings

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2. Max Pacioretty, Montreal Canadiens:

Max Pacioretty of the Montreal Canadiens

During the last game of the Bruins-Canadiens series, Boston’s massive Zdeno Chara got into a little altercation with the Canadiens’ absurdly hot Max Pacioretty, and if this isn’t the stuff of porny fan fiction, then I don’t know what is. Seriously.

That game aside, Pacioretty’s one of my favorite players right now for a lot of reasons: Those thick-set eyebrows. That conservative politician hairdo. That ass. That ability to push 1,135 pounds of weights like it’s no big deal. The tendency of fans to Photoshop his face onto pictures of Wolverine:

Max Pacioretty of the Montreal Canadiens

Unlike submissive Toews and he-man Gáborik, I’m pretty sure Pacioretty likes sex in no matter what position he’s in. He’d put his legs in the air and let you plow his hole before abruptly flipping you over and showing you how things are REALLY done. He’s also got stamina. Something tells me he’s one of those guys that will unleash a massive load, then lay back with your dick in his throat until he’s ready for round two.

Max Pacioretty of the Montreal Canadiens

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1. Martin St. Louis, New York Rangers:

Martin St. Louis of the New York Rangers

Those legs! That face! Those legs! Oh man, those legs. 38-year old Martin St. Louis is the rare hockey player who’s equally hot both with and without his playoff beard.

Martin St. Louis of the New York Rangers

But it’s hard to think about his face once you get a peek at his awesome, awesomely huge legs. I’d love to feel those thighs crushing the sides of my face while I went to town on his dick.

Martin St. Louis of the New York Rangers

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4 thoughts on “The Locker Room: Weekend NHL Roundup

  1. Read NHL in the headline and popped a boner. Definitely some of the finest athletes around. Five very nice choices, but a pic of only Marty St. Louis shirtless? Surely you could offer us a bit more . . . I do have this boner I need to take care of.

  2. the thighs on hockey players are so amazing……also to watch them pay is i cant even stand in skates let alone play hockey hehe

  3. The Blackhawks name and logo are based on Chief Blackhawk, an actual Native American, rather than some generic term like Indians, Redskins, Braves. He was born in what is now Illinois, and the Blackhawks are a tribute to the Native American history of Illinois. In Chicago, we don’t go to games and do tomahawk chops, and we don’t have some clown jumping around in “traditional” Native American dress calling himself a mascot. I’m of the opinion that the Chicago Blackhawks might be the least offensive use of Native American imagery in professional sports.

    Also, Jonathan Toews is hot as fuck.

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