Morning Wood: The Untold Story

photo

This probably falls into the category of “more than enough information about you, J. Harvey!” but morning wood is my fiercest enemy in the morning.

Like most of you – I have to pee in the morning. Stumbling bleary-eyed to the bathroom, I go to pull it out and I HAVE A HUGE FUCKING ERECT THROBBING ROD. This does not help in peeing. On the contrary, it makes it almost impossible. Unfortunately,  I don’t have a toilet the size of an Olympic swimming pool. I refuse to stand on my head to piss. And I have rejected the advice of friends to just “go in the shower.” GROSS.

So I have to stand there and think about grandmothers, women’s field hockey, and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named until my boner goes bye-bye and I can seek urinary relief. This has been a lifelong problem. ASAP Science hasn’t provided a better solution, but at least I know why it’s happening now.

– J. Harvey