Josiah Hawley Should Never Open His Mouth Unless He’s Catching A Hot Load of Jism

Josiah Hawley is quite possibly the worst contestant in the history of The Voice. The former male model was selected for Team Usher, and somehow, he’s made it to the Quarterfinals of the reality singing competition. He is extremely pretty, sure! But am I totally missing something about his vocals? I mean, I don’t want to sound like an evil scrotum or anything, but there isn’t one single thing that’s interesting about the way he sings. Also? The way he curls his lips up when he performs makes him look perpetually constipated.

Maybe I’m just mad because he decimated my favorite Muse song, but I really wish this kid would have just stuck to his day job. Even better, I wish he would make a crossover to gay porn and take Colby Jansen‘s dick so far down his throat that he can’t mutter a single note. That would be a much more suitable way for him to demonstrate his “talent” with the world.

– Dewitt

Check out a few shots from Josiah Hawley’s modeling portfolio:

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

Josiah Hawley, a male model and contestant on The Voice, shirtless and in his underwear.

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19 thoughts on “Josiah Hawley Should Never Open His Mouth Unless He’s Catching A Hot Load of Jism

  1. His voice is not too bad but he is off key in the singing is the big issue and his timing seems to be off with the music.

    But I can understand how his looks and smile can carry him into the finals because lets face it in America that often counts more than actual talent.

  2. OK, my two cents – cause you asked…
    If we were dating, he could sing to me anytime! Nothing sexier than a man who would perform for me. hahah Yeah, that too, but I mean, play the piano, the guitar, sing for me – sing TO me. “That’s all I have to say about tha’at.”

  3. he is a cute guy….would date him if he would say yes…hehehehe…and he sings well too…

  4. Good-looking guy, handsome face, nice lean body, TOTALLY my type! I would take him home to meet mommy and then let him fuck my brains out in my childhood bed.
    That said, I wasn’t impressed with his singing either. The problem with these shows is that the music is so overproduced–between the overpowering band, the turned up mic echo, and the other sound mixing, anybody with a half-way decent singing voice (which is a lot of people) is going to sound MTV/VH-1/Disney Channel-ready.

  5. I think he’s aiming for a Chris Isaac (or even an Adam Levine) vibe, but he doesn’t have the talent, or the humility, to make fun of his good looks and go for camp. He is sooo clearly a model at every stage of his time on stage, whether singing or not… he’s posing for the camera at all times, and trust me, dude KNOWS where the camera is at all times. That, for me, is a total boner killer.

  6. Dewitt, I’m shocked at your lack of imagination. Did you ever consider he blew & rimmed Usher to make it this far? That’s a much hotter scenario than he just lucked his may this far.

  7. Don’t think he’s the worst singer, he’s just pretty beige. Very, very pretty … beige.

  8. As a model he looks great, but as a singer needs a little work and a better hair do he’s not Justin Beber.

  9. I like your theory. That would explain why Usher saved him last night, even though America was like “nuh-uh, I don’t want that”.

  10. Agreed…he should totally stick to modeling where he clearly excels. Plus if he needs to sing, he should consider never singing that tragic song. I think it would be bad no matter who sang it?

  11. Alright, I don’t watch this show or idol. I listened to his cover. I just scrolled down so I wasn’t watching the video.

    He sounds fine. Don’t believe me, pop open a tab, search Muse: Starlight, Live and switch back and forth. The sound of the band on the Voice is less full/lush. But vocally, the songs a good match for him. And he sounds quite similar.

    If he’s a douche are unlikeable on the show, it is coloring the reception of his performance, because he CAN sing. He can.

    I hate these shows for one main reason and several interelated smaller ones. Main reason: they turn a whole bunch of people who often know nothing about music or performance into ‘experts’ who get to critique, dismiss, and diminish other people’s talent. Which sucks.

    Then again, he’s playing the game so he’s asked for the criticism.

  12. The only good judge who is making wise, fair decisions this year is Adam. Shaki and Usher are fun, but they have weak teams and are making bad song choices and bad decisions on who to keep. Josiah and Garrett suck large, and even though CĆ thia and Karina had bad nights they are both stronger singers and shouldn’t have been cut.

    Blake’s behaviour this year is either bafflingly stupid or extremely calculated. First he picked non-country singers to use as cannon fodder for his rootin, tootin tobacco chewin foot stompin all-country finalists. Now it looks like he’s taking out stronger country artists like to have less competition for Danielle, who is clearly his favourite. There is NO way the Swon Bros are better than Justin… it was a joke of a decision.

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