This post is part of a new sex-ed series by Woody Miller, sex advice columnist and author of the best-selling book, How to Bottom Like a Pornstar.  This post was originally published on Good Hot Stuff. 

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So imagine your crush surprises you at your job and picks you up for lunch.
 

You’re really happy to see him but nervous at the same time because he gives you butterflies. He’s DAD AF. ?

He’s driving you to your favorite lunch spot and and suddenly he unzips.

He pulls over.

“Get in the back I want to fuck the shit out of you”

Oh shit.

You’re not clean down there.

Certainly he does not literally want to fuck the shit out of you.

You’ve had stomach problems the past few days. But how do you tell him?

Are you ready for what’s about to happen?

Not really. But you don’t want to disappoint him.

Should you go for it anyway?

If something goes wrong he’ll probably understand but still.. 

These situations suck.

Spontaneous sex is too fun to let something sticky get in the way.

So I consulted some porn stars and experts to find out how they prepare for anal sex. 

Obviously they are not having spontaneous sex but they still do have tips for reducing prep time and makes you more comfortable and confident.

Alright let’s go.

First things first… if you want to win an oscar for best supporting bottom you better learn how your butt works.

Lesson #1: Learn about butts

In can get complicated so we’ll spare you the details and instead we’ll tell you what you need to know.

If you’re super interested in all of the anatomy, check out the book where this information came from, How to Bottom Like a Pornstar.

For now let’s focus on two things: the rectum and sigmoid colon. *see butt diagram below.

 

Wait wait wait.

What does all this have to do with bottoming?

A lot. First of all, confidence is an aspect of sex we have to address.

Understanding how this works will reassure you and make you feel more confident in bed.

Sex is much better when you can both relax and have fun.

Okay back to talking about butts.

The most important thing to know is that the rectum (where his penis goes) does not store feces. 

The feces is stored in the sigmoid colon until you are ready to go. So you aren’t going to shit on him during sex.

Now, I know what you’re thinking..

“So how come the condom gets so dirty after sex?”

Good question: and the short answer is your rectum is not clean. You have to improve your diet.

That sounds like a pain in the ass! But we’ll make it easy.

Just wait for it.

Lesson #2: Improve your diet

You need more fiber in your diet.

Fiber acts like a sponge that cleans your rectum.

And if it’s clean you can catch a dick whenever you want. 

According to the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, men are not getting enough fiber.

The suggested intake is 38g per day.

Guys are getting around 16g.

Rule of thumb: If you have to wipe more than three times then you should increase your fiber intake.

How can you fix that?

Short answer is to increase two things at the same time: soluble fiber and insoluble fiber.

Soluble fiber: oatmeal, nuts, beans, apples, and blueberries

Insoluble fiber: all-bran (like Kellog’s), dates, granola, dried figs, lentils

Here’s a chart with more soluble and insoluble fiber foods.

So just remember to eat at least 38g per day.

And you’ll be ready when he puts you on your back.

That’s refreshing.

Lesson #3 So what’s the easy way out? 

Yes, there is something you can buy to make it easier.

Yes, a bunch of bottoms got together and created fiber pills you can take so you can bottom whenever you want.

Yes. It’s a thing. That exists. Specifically for bottoms.

And it’s got hundreds of 5 star reviews on Amazon.

It’s called Pure for Men – a proprietary fiber supplement that you take once or twice per day.

Fortunately, it comes in pill form, which is good because I know how much you like to swallow.

The pills are 100% vegan blend of psyllium husk, chia and flaxseed.

They say it’s not glorified Metamucil because Metamucil only contains psyllium husk and doesn’t have the same amount of fiber per serving. Not the same thing.

Pure for Men works like a sponge going through your body so that when you go.. YOU GO. This of course reduces prep time and makes you more comfortable and confident.

And confidence is sexy.

And since most of us don’t get enough fiber in our diets this can make a difference in your overall health too.

Lesson #4: How to take fiber

Porn star bottoms say that what they eat affects everything.

And by the looks of it they can take anything.

Spontaneous sex before work on the bathroom sink anyone?

Watch the full video

There is remarkable agreement among those in the porn industry that what you eat—and when—has a dramatic effect on the clean factor. Here’s what a famous (or rather infamous porn star bottom) told us: 

“The majority of [my] diet is lean meats and fibers, no carbohydrates. I drink water and teas, and stay away from carbonated sodas because they would also – the last thing you want to do before a scene is eat or drink anything that would make you gassy.”

Besides the obvious like staying away from sodas and chalupas, nothing affects your ability to bottom on-the-go than fiber intake.

But how you take fiber is just as important.

Start with one pill per day and work yourself up. S-L-O-W-L-Y. Too much fiber at one time can make you bloat, pass gas and create unenviable digestive issues. 

So if you are planning on trying Pure for Men, here are a few things you should know about taking fiber supplements.

Spread it out.

Not your legs. Your fiber intake.

Spread it out throughout the day and don’t take the full dose only at night. Spread it evenly throughout the morning, afternoon and bedtime.

Take medications at least one hour before fiber supplements or two hours after. Fiber is known to absorb certain medicines, diverting them from your body.

Lastly, drink lots of water. Did I say a lot? Because I meant A LOT. Taking fiber without water is like bottoming without lube. It’s going to hurt like hell. Drink at least eight ounces of water with every dosage.

Okay enough about fiber. Let’s talk about douches!

Lesson #5: Go behind enema lines

So you’re making out and he’s ready to go.

And suddenly you remember you forgot to douche!

Not so fast.

Medical experts agree: Enemas and douches are harmful. Pushing water or a mixture of water and chemicals up your butt creates a powerful reaction (accompanied by bloating and cramping) that “evacuates” everything in your lower intestinal tract.

Do enemas work? Yes, you’ll never be cleaner in there (or up there, as the case may be).

Should you do it? Absolutely not. Never, ever put chemicals up your butt without medical supervision.

Do porn stars do it?

Of course they do. And it’s not a good idea.

I can recommend something even better than you’ve probably never heard of. 

If your rectum is so dirty that you have to hose it out, the answer isn’t a fire hydrant connection; it’s a better diet.

But how can I clean out down there?

Lesson #6 The best way to clean yourself

If enemas and douches pose too great a risk (and embarrassment) for frequent use…

Then how do you do a quick clean before your big moment?

I’d like to introduce you to a device that will flush out fecal residue without the dangers of an enema or a douche:

The ear syringe.

Ear syringes hold about one ounce of water—enough to get the job done but far too little to remove rectal mucus or cause peristalsis and its consequent “douche dependency.”

To find out more about the ear syringe, including how to use it, check out the book where this information came from, How to Bottom Like a Pornstar.

Before we finish…

Let’s review.

The best way to get yourself clean is to eat a high-fiber diet.

If you’re still uncomfortable with the tiny residue that might remain (you clean freak!), you can use an ear syringe with warm water to flush out your inner tiles. That leaves you virtually spotless. I now pronounce you ready to bottom without stains.

Now you’re ready. Just go ahead and sit on it.

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