Hot Blooded: Eric’s Sorry

Sorry for the late recap, your recapper was on vacay!

True Blood is gittin’ good! One of my favorite parts of the show is that almost every scene gives you that feeling when watching a horror movie and you know something’s going to jump out at someone and it’s nerve-wracking! Sometimes I watch while peeking through my fingers, it’s true. Whenever Sookie walks into a dark room, you know she’s about to get attacked. Or fucked by a vampire.

Oh, and by the by – why would you care about saving money on your electric bill when you live in Bon Temps and supernatural creatures are constantly attacking your ass? Put some lights on, girl!

– J. Harvey

For the True Blood recap, Follow the JUMP:

Sookie – After convincing Eric not to feed on her for her sweet-smellin’ fairy blood, she realized that he has total amnesia. Amnesia which seems to have rendered him into a cuddly puppy. A puppy  that can still move at superspeed and rip your throat out, but will at least sheepishly apologize for it afterwards. He also calls her “Snooki,” which she angrily corrects. If that was a dig at Jersey Shore, Alan Ball is aces. Sookie is a good person (and she’s totally wet for Eric but it’s going unadmitted), she decides she will provide shelter for the amnesiac Eric. This is backed up when Pam swings by for a visit, and begs Sookie to hide him because she thinks that Bill sent Eric to Marnie and her Up With Witches group so they would kill him. If Pam’s beggin’, it must be dire. Sookie shows that she has some form of brains, as she pays new Shreveport resident and hot mofo werewolf Alcide a visit to ask him to take Eric. I wouldn’t want that bloody vampire battle magnet in my crib, either! Alcide is all sorts of  “yes” to Sookie.  As my tongue slowly lolls out of my mouth from extreme Alcide hotness, Sookie realizes she can’t leave Eric there. Because one of my favorite characters from last season, Alcide’s psychotic junkie werewoman ex-girlfriend Debbie Pelt, is living there! Deb has apparently found Jesus, and is doing a lot of baking. She’s also off the V, and wants Sookie’s forgiveness for trying to kill her in that awesome bitch brawl from last season. Uh, sure, no problem, you smashed my head into my boudoir mirror – let’s definitely be besties. Sookie reasons that leaving a vampire with a recovering V junkie would be a negative so she splits. Alcide looks after her wistfully, so expect a Debbie Pelt back on the sauce in 3, 2, 1. After getting the lowdown from Tara that Eric’s brainwipe was Wiccan-induced, she returns home to a visit from her fairy godmomma Claudine. Claudine explains that Sookie needs to return to Fairyland (please don’t, that’s a ridiculous place) and it’s not a request. Oh yeah? Well Eric is going to eat your ass! Not literally, but he sucks her til’ she’s fairy dust. Get it? Ugh. “Sorry,” he says guiltily. No problem, she was a ridiculous character anyway.

Annoyance level – 3. Sook kept her wits about her in this episode, and wasn’t taking shit off of anyone. Good for her.

Bill – Bill reviews a rather amusing YouTube vid of one of his subjects getting entrapped into attacking a human. Bill’s on his “vampires are totally cuddly, everyone!” kick (he should check out Eric lately), and sentences his subject to die the True Death for his transgression. Hi, Judge Judy. Jessica comes by for some Advil and relationship advice, and Bill counsels her that she needs to tell Hoyt she put her fangs in someone else’s neck last episode. Remember that lawyer lady Portia from the premiere? She’s direct and all up in Bill’s pants business. He’s fine with poking and biting her, but warns that he will never love her. They do it, and he chows down on her jugular. Apparently, it’s ok for a vampire to drink tons of hemoglobin if the subject is willing. It’s a fine distinction.

Annoyance level – 3. His speech to Portia about how he is too old to give his heart to her was bullshit, but nicely done. What he meant was “because it belongs to Sookie.” *swoon* (God, I’m so gay.)

Eric – I was planning to DESPISE this amnesia bit, but they’ve managed to make it really amusing. “Innocent” Eric keeps wanting to indulge his vampire instincts to stalk, pounce, and kill. He still feels bad about it, though and offers a truly sincere “sorry” afterwards. It was a funny gag.

Annoyance level – 5. It’s amusing and gives Alexander Skarsgard room to grow acting-wise, but I already miss lethal n’ frosty Eric.

Jason – definitely has the creepiest storyline going this season. His goon girlfriend Crystal from last season is fully nutty, and she’s been feeding on Jason along with her incestuous brother. Jason is all torn up and we’re not sure if he’s dying or becoming one of them. The plan is for Jason to become a were-panther like them so she can RAPE HIM and sire his cubs. And he’s not expected to just get HER pregnant. In a really sick scene, Crystal gives Jason Viagra, rapes him, and then the camera pans to the other backwoods Deliverance panther women (some of them WAY underage) watching the whole thing. It’s inferred that they’re next in line, if you know what I’m typin’. Heavy stuff. By the way, Crystal’s V-induced insanity is symbolized by her hair half in curlers, half sticking out of her head as if shellacked. If someone in your life has that hair-don’t, don’t go anywhere near their freezer. Just sayin’.

Annoyance level – 0. His situation is pretty stomach-turning. He and Tara will have a lot in common after this storyline.

Lafayette N’ Jesus – They’re running scared (and have dragged Tara into it) because they are at first unaware Eric has amnesia due to Mystical Marnie’s spell-casting. Lafayette still has PTSD from when Eric had him in the dungeon, and he’s the main boogeyman in the sassy fry cook’s life. He decides that they must go to Eric and apologize. By the way, the actor who plays Jesus is hot but a dowdy nurse’s uniform can render anyone sexless it seems. Luckily Tara accompanies them to Fangtasia with her wooden bullets- loaded gun (about time she began arming herself, you can only be feasted on and raped so many times), and they strike a deal with Pam to find the witch who hexed her boss.

Annoyance level – 6. Remember when Lafayette beat the shit out of the homophobes in season 1? Where’s that queen? We need her. And I already talked about Jesus’ uniform.

Pam – has the best line of the evening when she tells the three of them that if they don’t grab Marnie to reverse the spell, she will “personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you.” Pam doesn’t play. She also has the hottest outfits in Bon Temps. Ziggy Stardust-red sequin dresses and a jean jacket with spikes? Werk.

Annoyance level – Impossible. Negative every number ever. What?

Sam – Sam is beset by his usual array of hot probs. His brother Tommy (who, btw, has a DELIGHTFUL ASS) is trying to scam Hoyt’s Mom. Sherrif Andy’s high on V and almost blows his head off after an argument. And he’s still kinda hot for Tara. By the way, Sam and Tara have REALLY good chemistry. The scene in which they reconnect on his porch, and engage in some heavy flirting was pretty magical. Hopefully the endgame is for these two to end up together. Even if Tara is munching box right now.

Annoyance level – 3. Sam lightened up this ep, despite being faced with a lot of drama. Good on him.

As for the others, Jessica and Hoyt are still having problems. After she admits she fangfucked someone else, Hoyt tries to leave her. SO SHE GLAMOURS HIM. Amnesia all-around and up in this bitch! I love writing like Lafayette. Anyway, Jessica is killing my love for her. Why? WHY? But it wouldn’t be drama without…drama. Oh, and there’s this creepy doll that keeps getting thrown away and then popping back up in their house. Is that causing the turmoil? So Jessica offloads it on Arlene’s demon baby. Which is hilarious because it’s dirty (it’s been in the trash and at the bottom of a lake), so she obviously has no regard for children. But the baby’s supposedly evil, so playing with cursed dolls is probably something they’re supposed to do.

True Blood Nudity Watch – Dewitt used to do this, so let’s bring it back. Very little nudity unfortunately. Eric was shirtless. Jason was tied up and shirtless, but was mutilated and being raped so it was sort of unsexy.