I refuse to call that hyperbole.

This is gonna be hardcore fangirl, so check out now if you can’t hang.

Gabriel Cross is it, you guys. He is it. He is bordering on physical perfection, in that Angelina Jolie “not quite human looking” beauty. He’s shaped absolutely perfectly, and he’s got those big, round eyes that make him look like a cross between an anime drawing of a naughty schoolgirl and Puss in Boots

He’s muscled and fit, with a monster uncut dick, a perfect round ass that can fit OTHER monster dicks inside of it, and that seems to be the thing that pleases him most. I don’t know what else to tell you except that when he speaks, with his OH-MY-GOD-HOW-CAN-YOU-BE-SO-ENGLISH accent, it makes me want to remove my underwear. Instantly. It’s like stage hypnosis or something. I can’t help myself. He talks and my brain goes “weeelllll… better go ahead and get theeeeese off…” It’s kind of incredible.

Last week, Next Door World (who’s really been putting out some great, well cast, well shot stuff lately) released a scene where Gabriel catches his step-brother and friend jacking off, is smarmy and English about it, and then joins them in a fucking that makes me want to high-five all of these guys and then write them checks. Here’s the (very generous) preview and then immediately below are my live reactions to it:

:08 Absolutely try to make this happen if your friends ever suggest ‘watching a movie.’ Even if Gabriel Cross doesn’t pop out and sit on your cock, it’s still worth it.

:15 I like River Elliot more here than I did in this last scene. Those long legs spread open make his dick look even bigger and his ‘aww shucks’ face is appealing to me for some reason.

:20 I already cant stand it! I just wanna rip that little shirt off of him! Look how fucking fit he is!

:28 Stop looking directly into the camera, porn lady! Is this your first day?? It’s weird.

:32 The kick that River does to flip his pants back up is LULZ-city.

:41 FUCK YEAH, Harry Potter! Tell them how it is! Fuckin’ muggles with their porn up too loud…

:50 Fun Fact: that ‘refusal to shake the jack off hand’ is a much bigger diss in the UK than the US.

1:06 I know I just referenced Schmitts Gay last week, but this 100% feels like a modern day Schmitts Gay commercial and like Tom Faulk and River are about to do an 80s style “NO WAAYYYYY!” high-five here.

1:18 I would DIE. I’d be dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

1:27 Fuck yeah you get your dick back out, dummy! Look how much hotter than you that dude in the middle is! This is your lucky fucking day!

1:28-2:34 *Can’t type – jacking off*